[Two Pronged] He ghosted me. How do I move on?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am a 26 years old professional. This is my first boy problem.

I went on a dating app in December 2020. Early on, I met a guy with who I instantly connected. We discovered so much about each other: had the same likes, both frustrated writers.

What drew me most was he knew what PR meant. Guys my age rarely understand Public Relations.

Our first encounter, though wholesome, was full of sexual tension.We both felt it. The next dates were a mix of wholesome and naughty.

He was the first guy I was with; he was well-aware of that.

After a few encounters, I had a terrible pregnancy scare. He was by my side and apologized for being irresponsible, though it was a consensual decision. We continued to see each other after that scare. 

Come Valentine’s week, he confirmed our date on Sunday. (We meet every Sunday.)

I knew he was a Marxist. When I teased him for asking me out on Valentine’s Day, he backed out, saying he didn’t realize it was February 14. He does not want to celebrate that day.

He said he was too busy to text after the Valentine’s thing, but we still talked over the phone thrice that week. His last message was a week later saying good morning and thanking me for the info I sent over. He has not been replying to my messages and calls since. He has no social media, so I have no other way to contact him.

We have assured each other several times that we liked each other and that what we had was more than sex. We were friends beyond all the sex. 

I think I have been ghosted. I have been wondering what I said or did wrong for him to stop talking to me. Is it wrong to be too attached to someone even though our relationship has no label?

He would get irritated before when I jokingly told him he would ghost me, but now it is happening. 

How do I move on from my first heartbreak?

Mimi

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Dear Mimi,

It is a fact of life that we have to learn many of its lessons by experience and many of these experiences can be painful, like learning to ride a bicycle and falling off endlessly before finally mastering the art. Not all, but most of us have to go through this process with relationships, which have an ‘irritating’ habit of starting with great promise only to fail miserably as the other party’s feet of clay are revealed (and maybe our own feet of clay are also revealed!).

When you live in the only country in the world (with a population over 1000) where divorce is unavailable, it seems sensible to make as sure as possible that one’s chosen partner for life is, as the lawyers like to say, fit for purpose. That means that just as much as you should happy with your partner, so equally they should be happy with you since after all an ill balanced relationship is not likely to be a long term and happy one.

In this case, your ex was obviously dissatisfied with the way the relationship was developing, hence the ghosting. 

The best, though not necessarily the easiest, way to deal with this is to get on with your life. There is no point in dwelling on the past, but every point in replacing him with a newer model boyfriend, whether via app or more traditional methods. 

It helps to remember that finding yourself bound to someone who doesn’t reciprocate the love, respect and consideration that you feel for them is likely to lead to considerable long term unhappiness.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Mimi,

Thank you very much for your letter. Your letter asked some poignant questions: 

1. “I have been wondering what I said or did wrong…” You did not necessarily do anything wrong. Your anguish is perfectly understandable, especially since you were ghosted not after a mere date, but after months of being intimate (physically and emotionally) with each other.
2. Is it wrong to be too attached to someone even though our relationship has no label? “Too attached” by whose standards, Mimi? Both of you behaved as if equally attached to each other. So, definitely not wrong.
3. How do I move on from my first heartbreak? With great difficulty but, with every sign of success after some time.

How? By repeating this mantra: “Being ghosted is not about me.”

Why can you say this with any degree of certainty?

Because research and my own clinical experience confirm this mantra.

A person who can ghost someone despite having a real connection between them usually has some unresolved issue that has to do with the way he was brought up and his relationship with his primary care giver.

Ghosting is one of the most cruel things to do to someone.

One cannot help asking, as I’m sure you have: “How can anyone whom I instantly clicked with so spontaneously, cared for me enough to stand by me when i had my pregnancy scare, do something like that?!!? Is he some kind of monster?

No, not a monster. Perhaps someone who feels guilty about hurting you (and he definitely knows you’re hurting) but NOT guilty enough to go beyond his comfort zone to let you know what’s going on. 

Again, please remember, Mimi, this is not about you. Yes, this will result in some behavior (and even attitude) changes towards the next guys you meet. You may find yourself less open and more cautious at the start; but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It is not only natural (but very smart) that we try and protect ourselves from going through the same pain once more.

I hope this mantra – ghosting is so not about you! – will carry you through, especially now, when you are still raw from this experience.

All my best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.