[Two Pronged] Husband won’t go down on me

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’ve been an avid fan since high school. I’ve been married for 15 years now and until now, my husband never went down [on me]. So many promises and excuses.

I’m trying my best to understand. Lately, no action at all in bed. I’m 46 and I don’t know what to do any more.

Pls help.

Ana

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Dear Ana,

Thank you for your message, which was commendable for its clarity and succinctness. Sometimes, however, revealing merely the bare bones of a problem is not the best way to get the most useful answer but you have chosen to be parsimonious with the details and that is certainly your privilege.

Discussion of oral sex has traditionally been taboo in many parts of the world but the public insistence of President Clinton during his impeachment trial that fellatio was not sex certainly gave a boost to those who felt it deserved to come out of the shadows.

Print and social media now give it coverage, even if it is mainly to highlight celebrity indiscretions and sensationalized statistics from otherwise learned studies. The internet is replete with academic papers on oral sex and one of the more recent Filipino contributions has been an unpublished 2017 research paper titled “To Give or to Receive? A Study on Oral Sexual Activities and Sexual Satisfaction of Filipino Men and Women” by Rica Cruz and Kristin A. Militante of Ateneo de Manila University.

Clearly discussion of oral sex is not taboo in your household but it is not at all clear why after all your efforts your husband is not only unwilling to perform but even give the real reason for his refusal. You do not share any of his excuses, spurious or otherwise, so we cannot know if he has concerns that originate in religion, his views on spousal roles (e.g. domination/submission) in marriage, past (bad) experience etc.

However, what can be said is that having tried so long and so unsuccessfully to change his behavior the odds on you succeeding are lengthening by the minute. It might, therefore, be opportune to remember the immortal words of Albert Einstein “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” In other words, if anyone is to change it will have to be you and fortunately that is indeed something far more easily achievable than changing someone else.

Now your situation has deteriorated since you began your campaign for oral sex, to the point where you now have no marital sex of any kind. Your husband seems to be employing a totally passive strategy – first no oral, now no sex at all -– so perhaps you need to consider being more proactive while avoiding Einstein’s insanity.

We have no knowledge of your financial and other background details but obvious choices available to you could include: 1) living with the present situation (a choice much advocated by conservative men who believe in the submission of women); 2) co-existing within the same house but free to live your life as you see fit; 3) leaving him altogether and moving on. Best of luck,

JAF Baer 

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Dear Ana,

Thank you very much for your letter.  Others may find the options Mr Baer presented to you in the last paragraph of his letter a bit extreme, but I, for one, feel they are spot on.

That is because your husband seems to have no interest in your well being so why stick around with a man like that?

Oral sex is not really what you are fighting about. In fact, it is less about sex, and more about respect for one’s partner and wanting to do right by her.

You have let him know that cunnilingus is something you would enjoy with him and yet he has not done it. Cunnilingus is not an involuntary action that just happens automatically, whether you want it to or not. To have it happen a person must decide to do it and then command his tongue and mouth to actually do it. In other words, it is under his complete control, so to not even try to do it after all these years seems purposely cruel and even contemptuous.

John Gottman is an award-winning speaker, author, and a professor emeritus in psychology. After years of researching divorce between couples, Dr. Gottman has found that contemptuous behavior is the number one predictor of divorce. 

True, it is difficult to separate with the pandemic going on, but separation need not be physical and/or cost huge amounts of money at the moment. However, emotional distancing, where your self concept and well-being do not depend on his good will or behavior is a goal to be worked towards.

If you find this to be too drastic, you might consider “warning” him that his continued refusal might result in a separation; however, in the light of his behavior thus far, I feel it will do no good.

I am so, so sorry if our individual takes on your situation lead to what some might consider a bad outcome.  In my clinical experience, however, painful choices courageously made are sometimes the best way to living a full and blessed life. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.