[Two Pronged] Guilty because my partner left his ex-partner for me

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am writing to you with a broken heart. 

I am currently in a relationship with the man I have always dreamed of having. We met online and decided to meet in person.

Before anything, I asked him if he was in a relationship. I did not want to be involved with someone committed. He said he’d been single for a year. We clicked, went out often. We have been together for months. I’ve never been happier.

He says he loves me, tries his best to be with me, traveling more than 50 kilometers whenever opportunities arise.

He is the one I want to achieve my dreams with; he feels the same. 

Two days ago I found out he was in a relationship when we started talking. He broke up with her when he started to have feelings for me. 

I feel guilty that I am one of the factors he decided to end his 2- year relationship. I was unaware he was dating someone else since he made sure that he wasn’t when we met.

But my conscience is still killing me. Whenever I look at him now, I get reminded of what he did. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I found out about it. 

Is it alright that I feel guilty for what happened to their relationship? Should I leave him? Should I let our relationship flourish and continue even though we are a product of his infidelity without my knowledge? 

I feel guilty but I love him very much. I feel like I ruined their relationship. I want to apologize to his ex-girlfriend for ruining it, but it would be so hypocritical of me to do that if I choose to be with him still. 

What should I do? 

Haley

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Dear Haley,

Most people form a series of relationships before finally identifying the person with whom they hope to spend the rest of their lives.

Some of these are more serious than others, some longer lasting than others, but it is a process of elimination that most of us go through. The extent to which there is overlap depends on the seriousness of the relationship – generally stretching from one night stands to consecutive
committed monogamy – and the moral stance of the partners.

Of course, it should be recognized that the partners in any relationship do not necessarily share the same views as to the nature of their commitment,
whether overtly or covertly.

Thus, it is clear that there will be plenty of scope for overlapping relationships. To suggest just two possibilities: a potentially ideal partner may well only cease to be quite so ideal if an improved version comes into sight or maybe the relationship has not progressed as far as monogamy.

So, Haley, you are the improved version for whom your boyfriend left his previous girlfriend. You have absolutely no responsibility towards her since you were ignorant of her very existence until long after she was history. You have no cause for guilt.

However, this is not necessarily the case for your boyfriend. Depending
on the nature of their commitment, he may be guilty of infidelity or misleading her as to the direction of their relationship.

Whatever the truth, his possible shortcomings towards her do not fall on your shoulders.

I would suggest that the real issue you need to address is your boyfriend’s conduct. Find out what happened between the time you first met him to the time he dumped his previous girlfriend to be with you and decide if his behavior warrants continuing to see him. He may think that he acted honorably, but it is for you to judge whether he meets your criteria for a future together.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Haley,

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree 100% with Mr Baer’s conclusion: you have no cause for guilt. I agree because of the reasons he gave, but I am aware that reasons per se are not always persuasive, especially when the emotions are involved.

There is a relatively new concept in psychology that might help you — self compassion. Dr Neff realized how so many people blame themselves needlessly when there is no reason for all this self blame.

They needlessly blame themselves for their behavior — just as you have, for believing your boyfriend behaved dishonorably… and he may well have.

Self compassion involves treating oneself with the same level of care with which one treats loved ones. Somehow, I cannot believe a woman as scrupulous and fair as you, would judge someone as evil/bad simply because she allowed love to take its natural course.

I am hoping that, in time, you might be able to simply revel in this beautiful relationship with a man equally in love with you.

What a gift this is, especially during these difficult times!

Please, please, don’t spoil this miracle by leaving him for no other reason than thinking you ruined his relationship with his previous girlfriend.

For one thing, please remember that you have no proof that he was unfaithful to her. Even if he left her after he met you, this doesn’t mean he was unfaithful, for who can stop oneself from liking one person over another?

One can only blame oneself for what one does, because actions are within our control.

More importantly, remind yourself that you have no power over his other relationships. The only one you have power over is your relationship with him, whom you love and who loves you.

Should you feel guilty? I think not, but no one can tell you to stop feeling guilty except yourself. If you were narcissistic, simply looking for an excuse to find yourself blameless but behind the scenes you orchestrated his break up with a girl, perhaps you could feel guilt “with reason.”

But you behaved with no malice aforethought, and with the best of intentions.

Dearest Haley, if, after reading the two articles I’ve shared links with, you have concerns and questions about the concept or practice of self compassion, please let me know?

Together we can explore this wonderful concept further!

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.