Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I really need professional help, but I can’t afford it. I’m really hoping you could help me with this:

I am 19 years old. I’ve been in two serious relationships already, both with broken/damaged men. 

I want to understand why I keep liking men more when they start to share their scars, even though I already know they are walking red flags.

My first relationship happened online. He said he’d been living alone since he was 13, had father issues, and that his mom already had another family. I didn’t get to see him in person but I took our relationship seriously. He couldn’t respect my “no’s.” As a gullible, naïve 16-year old, I would send him private pictures and videos. I knew it was harmful to send stuff like that but every time he would tell me sad stories, I would soften up and just send him anything he asked for.

Almost a year later, my second relationship is as messed up as the first. He is an introvert, the laughingstock of his friends. His life’s story is almost the same as the first. We are in a long-distance relationship as well, and he fails to communicate with me most of the time. He can’t express himself well; the very opposite of what I prefer in a partner. My love language is words of affirmation; I need constant assurance, but I am forcing myself to live without it because he obviously can’t offer it to me.

Both of these relationships are on-and-off. I am breaking up with them, but if they try to come back, I would welcome them with open arms, even if there are men around me who are way better.

Sometimes, I think it’s because I am incapable of differentiating love from pity, or maybe I am trying to “heal” them because I know what it feels like when you have no one but yourself. Or maybe, I think I deserve them because I am broken myself.

Gaby

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Dear Gaby,

My initial reaction to reading your message was that at 19, you are possibly too young to have a clear appreciation of your situation, but your analysis at the end reveals that you already have considerable insight.

You suggest that your choice of men is based on a) confusion between love and pity and/or b) a desire to heal them and/or 3) the notion that broken deserves broken. Each of these seems distinctly plausible.

As your partner selection has so far led to unfulfilling relationships, perhaps your self-analysis should be broadened to consider such matters as: why you choose long distance relationships, why you favor an equally broken partner rather than resolving your own issues, etc.

Remember the family therapy mantras: the only person you can reasonably expect to change is yourself, and as you change, so your relationship with others will change as well in order to maintain homeostasis.

You may wish to use a couple of techniques to jump-start your analysis. Both 5lovelanguages.com and attachment theory shed light on how one approaches interpersonal relationships. These raise questions which will hopefully assist you in understanding more about yourself and how you choose your partners.

All the best,
JAF Baer

Dear Gaby:

Thank you so much for your letter and for your analysis of your problems, as enumerated by Mr. Baer above, thus making it easier for us to answer. Your letter has given us the content many other letter writers have done. Your analysis has shown us your capacity to, well, analyze 😊, but more importantly, your willingness to look at yourself objectively and accept and/or explore what you discover.  

One of the tools Mr. Baer suggested to help you was attachment theory.  

Formulated by Dr. John Bowlby in the 1950’s, attachment theory says that infants have an innate need to form bonds with their primary caregivers (usually their mothers), because children who were able to keep close to their mothers and maintain a strong relationship to an attachment figure were more likely to receive comfort and protection, and therefore more likely to survive to adulthood.  

In the 1970s, Dr Ainsworth tested the theory through her “strange situation study,” which studied how infants behaved 1) when separated from their mothers, and 2) when their mothers came back. Dr. Ainsworth provided one of the first empirical demonstrations of how attachment behavior is patterned after the kind of relationships infants had with their caregivers: those who are secure in their relationship with their parents, those who are anxious, and those who are anxious-avoidant. 

She also demonstrated that these individual differences were correlated with infant-parent interactions in the home during the first year of life.

In the late 1980s, researchers began to explore 1) if there were the same kind of attachment styles in romantic relationships, and 2) if the attachment styles of romantic partners were related to their infant attachment styles. Countless research seems to confirm that yes, people seem to have a dominant attachment style. The jury is still out on how adult attachment styles are related to their own infant attachment style.

Gaby, your partners didn’t respect your boundaries and/or didn’t care enough to give you what you needed/wanted. They insisted you do things you didn’t feel safe doing; many times you were unhappy with how they treated you and yet you are unable to definitely break up with them.

Adult attachment theorists would describe you as having an anxious attachment style, because you are so anxious when you are alone/without a relationship that you tend to accept anything a partner does just to keep him.  

Dearest Gaby, if any of this resonates at all, please write to us again? Your first sentence was: “I really need professional help, but I can’t afford it. I’m really hoping you could help me with this.” And you’re right. A column cannot help as much as therapy would. BUT if you write us again, I am certain we can help you understand how your past attachment style (which is more a function of how your primary caregiver responded to you, rather than vice versa) might relate to your present.

I hope greater understanding of this connection will help you discover steps to make sure your future romances/relationships will be healthier, because your attachment style will change from more anxious to being more secure. 

Ever hopeful,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.