[Two Pronged] Toxic even after the relationship

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am writing about a situation that has been bothering me for days as of this writing.

I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year at the start of the pandemic as an attempt to save my sanity from the toxic relationship.

She is 40; I am 27. The age gap wasn’t much of an issue, although a major factor for my decision to leave was her dark, convoluted past. Among many other poor life decisions, she used to be a mistress for 7 years to a married man who she described as a psycho and narcissist. The guy threatened to release their sex tape when she was leaving him.

Four months after our split up, I was streaming some porn when I chanced upon a thumbnail with a familiar face. Out of impulse and curiosity, I opened the video and, boy was I so startled, it was her! I was shaking and panicking. My world collapsed.

The video has become an intrusive thought. The mental picture of the scene has been keeping me sleepless and unable to function properly. Full disclosure: I’ve been treated for Bipolar Disorder II before. I haven’t seen my doctor in years.

I really don’t know how to handle this situation. I can’t seek help from my usual support system; they know my ex. I’ve been dealing with everything on my own. The obsessive thinking has sent me to a downward spiral and I’m afraid that it will result to unprocessed trauma.

Shall I confront her on this? Shall I seek for medical help already?

I am in dire need of advice. Please, please help. 

Tom

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Dear Tom,

Thank you for your email.

So you have successfully exited from a relationship with an older woman (let’s call her Cleo), which gradually became toxic because of all her baggage, her dark past, and her history of being a psycho’s mistress for 7 years, blackmail and sex tapes included. No doubt you were happy with this outcome and ready to get on with the rest of your life.

Four months later, the past caught up with you. You discovered a sex video of Cleo on the internet and you say your world collapsed, the mental pictures keeps you from sleeping and functioning properly, you are in a downward spiral and worried about unprocessed trauma. Oh, and in addition, you have bipolar 2 and appear to be proud of not consulting your doctor for years.

Finally, you have no one to turn to for support because all your usual candidates know Cleo.

I have to confess that I am more than puzzled by this account of your travails. Firstly, if you were so happy to finish with Cleo, why is a sex clip of hers of the slightest interest to you, except to confirm how right you were to leave her? Secondly, even conceding that you are troubled by it, why are your usual support group unable to assist you? You say it is because they know Cleo, but that should be an advantage, unless of course they were encouraging you to stay with her in which case they should be your ex-support group. 

Given that you chose to mention your bipolar disorder and unprocessed trauma, perhaps you should consider that your response to the video is such that an appointment with your doctor is overdue. He/she may be able to help you regain perspective.

Best wishes,

JAF Baer

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Dear Tom,

Thank you very much for your letter.  I am very sorry that you saw your ex girlfriend in an porno clip a mere 4 months after you broke up with her. 

While cognitively, you can pat yourself on the back for your prescience in breaking up with her, confirming that you had dodged a bullet by doing so before you saw this video, gut levelly, it is probably much more difficult to be as relaxed (or even grateful) about it.

Your response is perfectly understandable, and yet, the reason/s for it are not. While some therapists would encourage you to try and move on from there without searching for the reasons (a laudable goal), others, like myself, feel that knowing the reasons would help — at least in preventing you from feeling the same in case a situation closely related to this could come up in the future. 

Most likely, your reactions will have many causes, but even if you discover 1, 2 or 3 of them, that will help keep you on an even keel.

Having bipolar 2 myself, I shudder at how quickly people with our disorder can spiral into depression, or, oftentimes worse for our professional (if not also our personal) life/lives, mania.

I urge you to please see a psychiatrist. This is not because you are clueless, but because you are bright enough to note how badly this is affecting you  and humble enough to get appropriate help.  In my opinion, a psychiatrist would be most helpful because in our country only a psychiatrist can prescribe psychotropics. And while some people argue that bipolar disorder can be managed without medication, the most current research on this disorder and my own clinical experience strongly suggest this is unlikely.

So please, please Tom, go see a psychiatrist. Because you are right: even if your friends (or family) didn’t know Cleo, they would not know enough to help you. They could definitely support you, but sometimes, we need more than emotional support. 

If we had more information, perhaps we could be wiser and even more supportive. However, you have told us enough so that I hope we have been helpful, if only a little bit, in giving you something more to think about. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.