[Two Pronged] Confused and uncertain about my sexuality

Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I would like to consult something. I am 26 years old who is now single. I'm bisexual I don’t have any sex experience both with male and female people. What’s bothering me is my way of releasing my sexual need – it’s masturbation.

I started doing it when I was in grade six. During high school, I usually did it three times a week or sometimes every day, in different places and different parts of our house. 

During my college years up to now, maybe once or twice a week, at different places too – at the mall, at work, CR, etc., whenever I have an urge to do it. I think I am addicted to it. I can’t control it.

I wanted to try having sexual intercourse with women, since my opinion is I am more attracted to females but I still can’t. I don’t have the urge I need and I still prefer masturbation.

I want to stop it because I know it’s abnormal/unusual. Ever since I tried to stop it, but sometimes I just got frustrated because I did it again, again, and again. I want to change. Hope you could help me. 

I am choosing to be a man now. I want to be married and have a family, maybe for 3 years.

After that, then I will come out from my closet and explore my other self, “being gay."

Another thing I want to consult po is my sexuality. I know that I wanted to be married and I want a female to be my partner in life but I can’t completely commit to it because I know that I am bisexual and I doubted myself for I am afraid that I can’t perform well in bed or I can't completely give the sexual satisfaction she need? Do I have to try these things? Or should I stick to my being gay?

I have a special someone in the past, a female co-worker. I fell in love with her so much. We became special friends and decided to separate our ways for she already had a long time boyfriend, but until now I still love her. I am so confused about my sexuality and my stand about sex and love.

Hope you can help me on this concern of mine. Thank you very much!

Sam

Dear Sam,

First let’s deal with masturbation. You want to stop because you can’t control it and you think it is “abnormal/unusual."

Well, the truth is that masturbation is neither abnormal nor unusual. As the old joke goes, 99% of men masturbate and the 1% who say they don’t are liars. Now, frequency can be an issue, particularly if it results in interruption to the ability to work or establish relationships (romantic or non-romantic) but this does not seem to be your problem. If you have religious concerns about masturbation, you should discuss the matter with your religious adviser.

Your comments about sexuality, marriage, and family seem to suggest that you believe marriage will somehow mask your homosexual tendencies. However, you have grave doubts whether you can play a straight role successfully, which suggests that your relationship with your special friend fell short of consummation.

Perhaps instead of trying to turn yourself into someone you are not, you should consider embracing the gay part of your nature. Should this not satisfy you over time, a straight role is still a possibility.

If family is really a vital issue, remember that many gay singles and couples have children these days.

Best of luck,

JAF  Baer

Dear Sam,

Thank you very much for your letter. I feel Mr Baer more than competently answered your issues about masturbation, so there is only one (perhaps unnecessary) question AND fact I shall add. Then, I shall concentrate on your concerns about your sexual orientation. 

I feel you do yourself a disservice by labelling yourself as unable to control your masturbation. True, You masturbate “the mall, at work, CR, etc. whenever I have an urge to do it. I think I am addicted to it”  BUT you have never been discovered doing it, have you? That means you definitely have control where it counts. You do it only if you are assured no one will see you.

I also commend you, dearest Sam, for thinking beyond the present and wondering how your decisions now might affect your future, and your family.

Some things are beyond our control, including our sexual orientation. We can pretend we are heterosexual, but, if you are as honest and astute as yourself, you know that you are not. 

To “choose” to be straight is not within anyone’s control and, again, praise God that you realize its futility.  Praise God also that you are kind and generous enough to think not only of yourself, but also of other people, for example, any woman you initially hoped you would marry. 

True, I think you were hoping that having been what you describe as “special friends” with a female co-worker meant that marrying a female would not be lying to her at first, but once more, you realized this would not do.

I hope we have helped you, Sam. 

Confronting one’s sexual orientation can be exhausting and frustrating, and kudos to you for trying to do so. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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