Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Hi Dr. Margie and Mr. Baer:
I want to share with you my very personal challenge. I am a solo parent, with a 12-year old son, and I am now 43 years old. I am working as an HR supervisor, and I’d been separated from my ex-husband for so long that my sex life had been parked for years. Now, I am blessed with the love of my life, and we’ve been together for four years already as a couple, though we do not live together.
My challenge is this: whenever we have sex, I can feel the pleasure of being one with him. I can feel the intimacy. However, I am having a hard time ejaculating as a female. The only fluid that I produce is my natural vaginal lubricant. I seldom ejaculate; I can hardly recall how many times I’ve done so.
They say that an orgasm is different from ejaculation. But whatever it is, I just want to experience it, not for myself but for the sake of my partner. He feels like I am not enjoying our lovemaking and that he is not enough for me. He thinks he can’t make me happy and satisfied. What can you advise?
You are of course quite correct when you distinguish between ejaculation and orgasm. You do not say you have issues with orgasm but you do with ejaculation.
Female ejaculation is a contentious subject. Studies have been inconclusive, but on balance, evidence supports its existence. Many consider that ejaculation is closely connected to stimulation of the G-spot, but this too is contentious because studies are also inconclusive as to the very existence of the G-spot.
You of course are not interested in dry academic studies but simply wish to learn how to ejaculate more frequently so that you and your husband can have better sex. The answer is probably practice and experimentation, always with the clear understanding that you may simply not be one of those women who ejaculate regularly. If you are not, there is unfortunately no magic potion that will transform you.
I however have a question. Why are you so fixated upon ejaculation as the key to a successful sex life? You state that it is “not for myself but for the sake of my partner.” Has your partner told you this? Or have you set this as the gold standard of successful intercourse? As I understand it, ejaculation does not significantly enhance the pleasure of sex for either party from a purely physical point of view, save for its value as a lubricant, but of course the psychological impact of ejaculation can be equated to achieving the highest point of intercourse, at least in the minds of those already converted to this belief.
You would therefore be well advised to analyze why this issue has become so significant to you and your partner, and examine whether the reasoning is sound. If not, recalibrate and rediscover the joys of sex “merely” with orgasms. If, however, it remains an essential requirement for you and/or your partner, ignore the academic findings that suggest it is pure chance whether you are an ejaculator, surf the net, and experiment with the suggestions you find to see whether they can help you progress from “seldom” to more frequent.
Enjoy the journey and best of luck.
I think I understand how you feel. No sex for so long, and then, “At last! A man I love, a man I want to keep.” How best to love him? By giving him everything he wants psychologically, socially, and physically. And thus, this letter you wrote us.
First, a disclaimer: I broke a rule I hope never to have broken before: “For Chrissake, do not quote yourself. The goal is to help the letter writer, not “taas your own bangko” (flatter yourself) and yet, in this situation, I can’t help feeling my two quotes below will help you most.
Second, the science:
Mr. Baer has more than adequately shared two links which show how much of an issue the existence of the G-spot and, hence, the reality of female ejaculation, is.
In the preface to the 25th edition of Life Love Lust (Anvil Publishing, 2015), I wrote: “None of the data in the original Life Love Lust has changed except the fact that fewer sex researchers claim the G-spot exists in comparison to 25 years ago when practically everyone and his cousin said it did.”
Can you imagine, Betty? In the span of 25 years, despite all I wrote about all manner of sexual anatomy, physiology, desire, and stamina, only one “fact” changed: the G-spot and, hence, female ejaculation.
How contentious is the subject of female ejaculation? Because many people — especially women who are, after all, the best experts on what happens to their bodies — first tried to ejaculate; second, felt bad that they couldn’t, like supposedly millions of women did, aided and abetted in this belief by so-called experts who jumped on the bandwagon; third, felt frustrated and felt they lacked something other women had, or lacked an ability that they could acquire if only they tried hard enough; and, hopefully fourth, got angry that “scientists” again made them feel bad about what, in the end, is a highly personal experience, molded by childhood and socio-economic factors. How dare they, how bloody dare these scientists, speaking from their ivory towers!
Scientists have not given up, however, as you can see for yourself in scientific journals such as this one.
Ostrzenski announced the finding of the G-spot during the dissection of an 83-year-old woman in 2012.
At the risk of sounding ageist, I wouldn’t compare myself to an 83-year-old cadaver (and I am already 72!!! though hopefully nowhere near resembling a cadaver…yet)!
They also came up with a new concept, the clitourethrovaginal complex.
I mean, give me a bloody break! Are you expected to worry about your “clitourethrovaginal complex?” COMPLEX!!! When you enjoy sex and nothing is wrong with your lovemaking? Well…except that you THINK you should be ejaculating? (NB: this is a matter of opinion, not fact).
But happily (at least for me), Ostrzenski has been criticized in the literature, by scholars both pro and against the existence of such an anatomical/functional structure. Another scientist, in a well-conducted and documented study, could not replicate these findings. Also, previous exhaustive anatomical studies about the clitoris never described the existence of the G-spot.
I swore I would not be the kind of sex therapist who, when asked a question about the physiology of sex, would insist on talking about “the wonders and joy of making love with the person you love.” I honestly don’t think I’ve done it here.
You wrote: “My challenge is this: I am blessed with the love of my life…. Whenever we have sex, I can feel the pleasure of being one with him. I can feel the intimacy. However, I am having a hard time ejaculating as a female. The only fluid that I produce is my natural vaginal lubricant…. I just want to experience it not for myself but for the sake of my partner. He feels like I am not enjoying our lovemaking and that he is not enough for me. He thinks he can’t make me happy and satisfied. What can you advise?”
It’s fairly clear, dearest Betty, that you want to ejaculate for him, not for yourself. You want to reassure him that he is enough for you, that he can satisfy you.
In other words, he wants you to convince him that he is the red-hot lover you (every female?) have wanted for their whole lives.
This is not a sign of love on his part, Betty. This is a very mild form of oppression. You are the lover of a grown man, Betty, not the mother of a seven-year-old who needs reassurance whenever he is bullied on the playground.
What can I advise?
- Yes, you and he can read everything about how to make sex better — simultaneous orgasms, multiple orgasms, ESP, and ejaculating as a female but with a grain of salt, especially when these “studies” underline how women have a responsibility to make men happy.
- Enjoy what you’ve already got. Sex is not only communicating deep love but also about having fun. Someone once said sex is the only playing adults get to do. Fun is not fun if it is in competition with someone else. Feeling not as good a lover as you “should be” is definitely not fun, not what you want to feel when you at last have found the man of your dreams, and will not make for an experience you can look forward to.
My second quote, from the book Passion Power Pleasure (Anvil Publishing, 1991):
Question: “Doesn’t sex become mechanical to you because of everything you know about it?”
Answer: “When the man I love seems sexually ready for me, I do not react clinically and say, ‘The nerves of the parasympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system which control the diameter and valve of the penile blood vessels have caused instant engorgement and erection.’ If I am thinking anything at all, it is usually along the lines of, ‘Oh goody!’”
Please, please, could you not tell the man of your dreams to accept you as the sexual being that you are? When he sees your face full of pleasure and feels your vagina walls lubricating, that what he feels most of all is “Oh goody” too?
With hope in my heart that this helps you, dearest Betty,
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