[Bodymind] Misinterpreting meta messages

“She’s nothing but a prick-tease.”

This is one of the worse descriptions a man can use when describing a woman.  A prick-tease (or cock-tease) is someone who gives every impression that she will have sex with you without actually going all the way and fulfilling her (albeit unspoken) promise.

It becomes even more galling when she looks the man all innocent-like and she asks: “But why are you so angry? Didn’t I warn you that I wasn’t that kind of woman?”

The reason a tease is so irritating is because her body language, moans, and facial expression all telegraph that she will sleep with you once you are in private (meta message) and yet she refuses to actually do so once you are alone.

True, some women deliberately plan to be prick teasers; but there are others who unconsciously send this meta message but are unaware of doing so. 

Looking back

Now here’s another meta-message story which may be apocryphal but I love it anyway:

Just before the outbreak of World War 2, the German government ordered 10,000 boxes of condoms from a British manufacturer, specifying that they should all fit penises 12 inches long.   The British Ministry of Defense was in a quandary. On the one hand, the UK wanted the business; on the other, it didn’t want to demoralize British troops who might hear about the order.

The Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, found a solution: “We shall fulfill the order — and have them all stamped medium.”

Why is this funny (except maybe for Germans)?  

Because the meta message the Germans wanted to get across is that they were bigger (and thus) better than the Brits in all things that mattered like winning the war, and with that one word alone, the Brits countered and trumped them.

Now for a serious question:

What do you think of ignoring meta messages completely so that people are forced to speak to you directly and straightforwardly?

While seemingly laudable at first glance, this goal is neither realistic and, in truth, can actually be quite unkind.

I agree that there are many times speaking directly and clearly, to the point of writing things down and getting it signed, is an absolute must. If it’s important enough to take all that trouble, it might be a good idea to get a lawyer or two—as when starting a business or, indeed, drawing up a pre-nup.

However, to insist that everyone doesn’t communicate in meta messages?!!? Impossible! Not with everyone at all times.

I have seen this happening in my practice, however. Contrary to fairytales, not all biological (as opposed to step) mothers are paragons of virtue from which the milk of human kindness flows. If a client’s mother were toxic, who broke promises constantly, said one thing about one’s in-laws and then blaming her children for thinking as she does, etc. then insisting that messages should be given to you directly and straightforwardly would be necessary for survival.

Healthy or unhealthy

However, to generalize this behavior to everyone else is to fail to distinguish sincere from manipulative, healthy from unhealthy.

“What’s there to lose?” someone with this philosophy might ask.

Quite a lot, actually. 

Time, for one thing, and laughter, guffaws, chortles. It isn’t funny if you have to explain it.

It makes encounters uncomfortable, awkward and sometimes even downright cruel.

If your little girl runs up to you and lifts her arms to be picked up, do you stop her and say, “What do you want?” and seriously wait for the answer before you lift her and then give her kisses galore?

If your lover moans in pleasure as she arches her back while you’re kissing her, would you ask: “I notice you’ve positioned your body to give me greater access to your breasts. Does that mean you want me to fondle them?”

The question above was in response to a comment made in Being Aware of Meta Messages and the anecdote below was inspired by another.

At the gym

My husband Jeremy’s and my goal is to go to the gym 4 times a week, but going even twice weekly is a bit of an achievement. However, after observing a few meta messages while otherwise grunting and groaning, I may go more often to test out my hypothesis.

A majority of the PTs are women: young, fit, and gorgeous. Usually (and understandably) male clients prefer to hire female, rather than male, PTs. The only ones who seem immune are professional boxers, martial arts fighters, etc.

Picture this: a male client doing bicep curls while sitting on a  bench. His PT smiles at him and as she walks towards him, she swivels her hips very slightly so that her crotch would be right in his face were she not 18 inches away.

My interpretation was that this was a meta message of “goodwill” from the PT, perhaps with the hope that, should the client re-enroll for another set of physical training, he would once again choose her. Competition is a bit stiff (in a manner of speaking), so a gal needs all the help she can get. (NB: This is not meant to be insulting in any way. In fact, I, alas, have been known to send such messages myself).

When I told my husband what I concluded, he played devil’s advocate and disagreed.

“Remember, Freud once said, ‘sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’; so a gyrating pussy may just be a playful kitten” he said.

“Oh, you mean rather than a cat on a hot tin roof,” I countered.

I hope this 4th story was successful in conveying that, yes, people can misinterpret meta messages.

Which is why, perhaps, I felt it was worth writing another column about it. Fingers crossed you feel the same way too. – Rappler.com