Vote me for president, really

Norman Sison

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'If you like my vision of reforms, feel free to campaign on my behalf'

It really doesn’t take much to run for president. Experience is unnecessary. Intelligence is nonessential — in plain words — zero. Integrity is optional.

All you need to win votes is to know how to sing, dance, lie when making campaign promises, buy votes if you cannot charm your way through, and kiss people in their… you get the point.

Just take a look at the qualifications for candidates in Article VII, Section 2 of the 1987 Constitution: “No person may be elected President unless he is a natural-born citizen of the Philippines, a registered voter, able to read and write, at least forty years of age on the day of the election, and a resident of the Philippines for at least ten years immediately preceding such election.”

That is why I have decided to become a nuisance candidate. No, I am not seriously filing my candidacy. This is satire. Claro?

So, if I am not a real candidate, what am I? Just a nuisance. What makes me different from real presidential candidates? Nothing. They are mostly a nuisance to the public.

What also makes me different is that my platform will consist of reforms that no serious candidate will ever make because they would appear serious in serving the people. Below are some items on my agenda, seriously:

  • Implement a “K Plus 13” program. The 13th year will be a year-long agonizing Philippine history refresher course to be taken by everyone. And you thought you had forever escaped that boring subject. Hence, the unlucky number 13. We need to remember the spirit of the Philippine Revolution, where we came from and why are we here if we are to chart where our nation should go. Besides, if people look back at all the idiots that have been elected over the years, voters might wise up.

  • Ban on political self-aggrandizement. Politicians have no business using the people’s money for their own personal glory. They are there to serve. Atsoy lang kayo. And, really, your name on a mere lamp post? Isn’t that puny compared to the Rizal and Bonifacio monuments? Ang babaw naman ninyo.

  • Pass an anti-dynasty law. The same names keep popping up every election that voters can fill up a ballot with their eyes closed. It’s getting boring. Politics is supposed to be entertaining.

  • Repeal the online libel law and decriminalise libel. In a true democracy, people must not be jailed for merely expressing their opinions. Wasn’t the Philippine Revolution about freedom? However, if you are going to wreck someone, at least do it properly — with facts and respect.

  • Introduce a “Filipino First” economic program. To strengthen our economy, policies encouraging the patronage of Philippine-made products shall be enacted. For example, medical surgeries shall only be done with anaesthesia made in the Philippines. If you don’t want the anaesthetic, you have that democratic choice.

  • Introduce a “Filipino First” defense program. We cannot keep China out if we don’t have a strong military. Besides, the local defense industry is a potential economic growth area that can produce jobs. Therefore, policies shall be enacted to encourage such growth. For example, defense officials who insist on importing guns for the armed forces shall check the quality of Philippine-made firearms by putting the guns to their heads.

  • Boost the “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” tourism program. To prevent politicians and public officials accused of wrongdoing from availing of hospital arrest to avoid jail, they shall be detained at Fort Santiago, where they can enjoy the scenery. Tourists will truly feel the historic atmosphere when they have fun flogging prisoners chained in the dungeon.

  • Boost medical tourism, reduce corruption. Similar to the tourism program, politicians and public officials who insist on availing of hospital arrest shall be sent to Mandaluyong or to the psychiatric ward of the hospital of their choice. Or, they may choose to be sent to teaching hospitals, where they can offer their bodies for the benefit of science and medical students can dissect them. Either way, they will be declared unfit for trial.

  • Bring back the Spanish language. It is the missing link to our history. Think of Jose Rizal’s valedictory poem, “Mi Ultimo Adios.” Also, we can easily do business with Latin America, an entire continent waiting to be tapped. We share cultural and historic ties with Latinos. We already share words to describe our politicians: estupido, inutil, leche, macupad, macapal, mabola, que horror, sin verguenza, tarantado, torpe, among others. Claro?

  • Ban politicians from having police motorcycle escorts. The police are there to protect the people — not the criminals — from criminals. If you insist on taking dangerous jobs such as public office, be a patriot and die for your country. Only then will you be truly worthy of posthumously earning a Rizal Monument, not a mere lamp post.

  • Ban actors and entertainers from public office. Politics may be entertaining but the country needs serious and respectable leaders who know how to do serious thinking. Besides, we already have too many Filipino politicians who are just putting up an act.

So, we come to the big question: do I have a chance of winning against professional politicians with money and machinery? No, because I don’t sing and I don’t dance. I do, however, have a private army.

FIGHTING FORM. The author and his 'private army'. Photo from Norman Sison

You may ask: will I submit my candidacy? No, I will not give the Commission on Elections an opportunity to declare me a nuisance candidate. Besides, press photographers might think I am serious about being a nuisance candidate if I show up in my Philippine revolutionary army uniform.

However, if you like my vision of reforms, feel free to campaign on my behalf.

For the record, I am joking. Seriously. – Rappler.com

 

Norman Sison is a freelance journalist. He writes mostly about Filipiniana, as well as issues affecting the nation. A history buff, Sison is also into historical reenactments.

 

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