Your own life guide: What to look for in a mentor

Life throws many things at us, some good and some hard to handle just by ourselves. It is not meant to be easy – even the rich and famous aren’t immune to life’s challenges. In fact, for all we know, they have bigger issues to contend with and more trials to manage than the rest of us.

I believe no one leads a perfect life because if there is such a thing, wouldn’t it be so boring? Life is colorful because of the dreams we make, the challenges that we face, and bucket lists that we strive to tick off one by one at some point in our lives. We have things to hanker for and the obstacles towards their achievement shape us – our character, our values, our whole being.  

My life is certainly far from perfect. In fact, it is tinged with significant challenges and dramas that you think could only happen in the cinematic world. I have experienced extreme distress and sorrow I wouldn’t wish even for my so-called frenemies.

I am not in a position to complain – as I’ve had my fair share of luck and happiness as well. My parents educated me; I have an immediate family support system and a wonderful son who loves me; I manage an award–winning publishing business; I have friends who have time for me and a circle of mentors whom I consult when I feel that my judgment or even something trivial needs validation.

Mentors are as important in life as fertilizers are to plants. We can all grow as individuals without them, but they certainly help us how we choose to live our lives. Mentors and lifelines are like torch lights – they provide a perspective that could be different from one’s perceived reality.

I chose 10 people to help me “run” my life through their advice, but they will remain anonymous as they are my secret armament. (Some of them are not even aware of the significant role that they play in my existence.)

Here are some tips on how to create a circle of mentors that are invaluable in this so-called life:  

1.   Choose a number – Determine how many you need in terms of people you want in your circle of lifelines and mentors. For example, have one for professional and career growth, business, social and civic environment, integrity issues, love life, and family life. Segment them based on how you perceive to be their personal strengths.

2.   Sincerity – Choose someone to be in your list who means well with you either as a friend or a sister/brother. You can tell a sincere person with their words and actions and you can put them in your shortlist.

3.   Age does not matter – I have quite a few who are much younger than me whom I consult on issues of social judgment and integrity. And they amaze me with their insights that I wouldn’t have thought would come from someone much younger than I am.

For instance, I was stumped one time, in a moment of weakness, when I was about to make a life-changing decision and I consulted a lifeline. In one short sentence, he said, “Is it worth smearing the image you have created in the community”? That stuck and I keep going back to that question in moments of weakness.

He is my integrity lifeline and he will remain anonymous – I trust his judgment – he doesn’t mull over things. When he speaks or writes, everything seamlessly comes from the heart.

4.   Gender – I have both men and women in my circle for obvious reasons – there are some issues that men will never understand, and vice versa.

However, I make it a point that I don’t interfere with a partnership if my mentor is a male and is in a relationship. I am very careful in keeping the lifeline and I wouldn’t jeopardize it one bit.

5.   Integrity – Choose people known for their solid integrity as there might come a point when the advice that you will ask from them could benefit them. If they have integrity, they would shy away from giving you counsel and would instead say to get another opinion.

When it comes to integrity, check their actions. Are they congruent with their words? If not, they are not worth being in your list.

6.   No Middle-Roaders – Don’t have room for people who are ambivalent about issues because you will just come out more confused and undecided.

7.   Confidentiality – My mentors/lifelines are all trust-worthy in terms of discretion. I know that I can trust all of them for secrecy. This I think is one crucial element that you should factor in your selection.

8.   Time for YOU – Last but not the least – do they have time for you? Get people who genuinely have the time to listen or read what you have to say. Most of my lifelines tell me that I could call any time of day or night and I am very lucky to have this circle in my life. However, I make sure that I don’t abuse this special privilege.

The bottom line, however, rests on your own judgment. If things don’t turn out well in spite of your mentors’ advice, don’t blame them. Don’t blame yourself, either. Charge it to life’s lessons and learn from the experience. But try not to commit the same mistake twice. – Rappler.com

Jena Fetalino is a single mother; publisher of Medical Observer, a digital medical/health magazine; a blogger (The Asian Spin); and a recent recipient of the Gold Trophy from the 2014 Stevie Awards for Women in Business as Female Executive of the Year Global Category for SMEs held in New York last November 14. 

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