Should Miriam become chief justice

Joey Ramirez

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As long as you are able to point out the exact provision, law or legal precept that protects you, your decision and your action, Miriam will champion your cause

All Supreme Court proceedings will be televised.

How else will Miriam be able to parade her particular, er, accent? And the quotable quotes? Not to mention her kilometric knowledge of particular decisions or least used statutes to prop up her stance. And, of course, thanks to the recent impeachment trial, she has added a new moniker. As a good friend said it best “ayan, kamukha nya na naman si Marge Simpson!” (she is looking like Marge Simpson again) when she gets into her “moods.”

There will be no objections. From anyone.

Remember when people she disliked would be given a tongue-lashing? Not even the Ombudsman was spared. Should the title of this post come to pass and you were gutsy enough to raise any kind of “I would like to state an objection,” you would be supremely rebuffed with “HOW DARE YOU DEBATE WITH THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THIS COUNTRY!!!” I’m not sure how long her ego – or blood vessels – will be able to contain the pride of knowing that her very words would dictate how this country interprets its laws.

Law students will be saddled with an additional four years of studying.

When Miriam makes a decision, it will take the court reader three days to finish announcing it. Each of her decisions will outweigh the combined opinions of the other Supreme Court justices in terms of length. Assuming that Miriam re-hires Midas to be the court spokesperson, no one would ever make the mistake of hinting he’s “questionable.” At 50, Midas will begin to look like an octogenarian, basking in the ultraviolet verbiage from the most verbose chief justice ever to sit in our Supreme Court. Midas also begins to advertise for memory capsules and nerve stimulators, seeing as both of those will be atrophied from severe use.

Everyone who appears before the Supreme Court will observe ‘particular’ decorum.

There will be no “provocative looks” from either lawyers or anyone else, lest she summon a page to take the offending party out to scrape out your facial features to prevent it from happening again.

She may call you “Mushroom Face!,” “Cretinous Vermin!,” “Gene Pool Disgrace!” and so much more, but you are not allowed to show or register any emotion or facial expression. You are, however, encouraged to contribute to the “Miriam Lexicon Fund.”

All ears must be taped from the top part of the ear to the mid-lateral portion of your cranium to prevent any actions of “covering your ears.” As well, hands will be cuffed to your chairs to prevent any action to do the same.

Shoes will be clamped on the floor, and soles of the socks will be applied with Extra Strong Mightiest Glue, to prevent any form of walkout from a court session.

Once everyone is inside the Court, a firing squad is stationed at each exit to shoot anyone who dares to leave the court without the express permission of Miriam, duly authenticated by the Court Secretary. Located OUTSIDE the actual court.

She can overturn any and all of her own decisions because of one caveat.

Suppose that Miriam decides to take back all the lands she gave out to farmers under a land reform program.

Suppose that after freeing an innocent man incarcerated wrongly for a crime he didn’t commit, she orders authorities to take him back in, this time for the electric chair.

Suppose that she reprimands “demolition” squads who “take out” shanties and slum dwellers, then calls them back to continue taking out other “squatters.”

Suppose any other number of actions she has decided on “with finality” is inexplicably reversed.

Any appeals for the new decision will follow a new procedure:
– file an appeal, duly notarized and authenticated
– wait for your case to be called
– listen to “Best of Miriam Jokes” while waiting in Court
– all parties will be led to an audio-video screening room
– Miriam appears onscreen with these words: “I LIED!!!!!!!”
– to make another appeal, go back to step one

If you find it, you’re free and clear.

As long as you are able to point out the exact provision, law or legal precept that protects you, your decision and your action, Miriam will champion your cause.

Say you wish to exterminate the entire LGBT community. Say you are “offended” because LGBT people are guilty of “offending (your particular) religious feelings.” And that your religion calls for the death of these “infidels.” Just cite the particular provision, and Miriam will give a court order authorizing you (or your duly appointed representatives) the power to massacre an entire class of people. After all, it’s provided for by law.

Rapists can now have their victims incarcerated for “slander” and destroying their reputation!

Murderers can sue the families of their victims for “moral damages:” I didn’t kill 547 people, I only butchered 523, how dare they claim that bloated figure!

Stall renters can now sue malls whenever they get a notice for their rental dues, as these mall administrators are guilty of “harassment”!

Welcome to the wonderful Court of Miriam, where law is “Supreme.” –

(Check out the author’s blog here.)
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