Pork barrel guilt, sick pols, and other Miriam jokes
MANILA, Philippines – While her colleagues at the Senate were busy making statements on whether Malacañang tried to influence them too into convicting Chief Justice Renato Corona, in the wake of revelations made by Senator Ramon Revilla Jr, the feisty Miriam Defensor Santiago chose to be with psychiatrists.
She'd rather be with them than, perhaps, the majority of mentally ill politicians who do not take their medication – at least, according to her latest series of jokes.
Santiago – known for making jokes and pick-up lines in her speaking engagements – spoke before the Philippine Psychiatric Association on Tuesday afternoon, January 21, at the Edsa Shangri-La Hotel, during their national convention.
She couldn't help but still comment on the pork barrel, though, telling a joke about a politician guilt-stricken about misusing his pork barrel.
Watch Santiago's jokes here:
Watch Santiago's full speech here:
Here are the jokes she delivered before her speech:
Judging by the poor state of mental health in the Senate, I urge you to hold your convention next year in the Philippine Senate!
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May isang pulitiko na lumapit sa psychiatrist.
Ang sabi niya: "Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng pork barrel, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal dahil dito.
Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: “Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control para hindi ka na magnakaw sa taumbayan.”
Sumagot ang pulitiko: “Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para hindi na ako ma-guilty at ma-depress.”
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Sabi ng isang survey, 25% ng mga pulitiko raw ay umiinom ng medication para sa kanilang mental illness.
Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin, 75% ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.
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May isang babae na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.
Tinanong siya ng psychiatrist kung ano ang problema niya.
Sabi ng babae: “Dok, nymphomaniac po yata ako.”
Sumagot ang psychiatrist: “Ah, ganun ba? Matutulungan kita, pero P5,000 ako kada oras. Baka hindi mo kaya.”
“Ok lang po iyon,” sabi ng babae. “Magkano po ba ang overnight? Kaya 'nyo po ba?”
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Ganito raw ang menu ng automated answering machine ng mental health office:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the alien mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, credit card details, email address, and your Facebook password.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are a politician, please hang up. There’s no hope for you. – Rappler.com