Duterte's imagined 2017 New Year's resolutions
2017 New Year's Resolutions of
President Rodrigo Roa Duterte
Delivered at Rizal Hall, Malacañan Palace | 1 January 2017
I’d like to just tell you a story. I was a small-time mayor and I never wanted to be president. Kung alam ko lang 'yung salary, umayaw na ako simula pa lang (If I only knew about the salary, I would have refused from the start).
But I’m here now and it’s been something like 7 months already? I made a solemn promise to the Filipino people: itong sa droga (this drug war), eradicate corruption in government, and bring peace to our land.
But I’ll make another promise, or maybe a little more than one.
Baka itong bunganga ko linisin ko na muna (I think I'll clean this mouth first). I already made that promise to God and to the Filipino people. Itong new year, hindi na kayo makakarinig sa akin (This new year, you won't hear anything from me).
These curse words, these epithets are causing so much aggravation lalo na diyan sa mga yawa, mga human rights (especially those fools, the human rights advocates). You know I was the whipping boy of the human rights?
I’m tired of this foul mouth. I hear nothing but "putang-ina," pati 'pag natulog ako diyan sa Bahay Pagbabago, even when I ride the barge, 'pag tumutsugtsugtsugtsug, narinig ko na rin mga "putang-ina, yawa, ulol, gago."
(I hear nothing but "son of a whore," even when I sleep in Bahay Pagbabago, even when I ride the barge, when it goes chugchugchugchug, all I can hear is "son of a whore, fool, idiot, crazy.")
So huwag na muna 'yan (So, I'll stop that first). Maybe I’ll just focus on the day-to-day demands of the presidency. Maybe, not dwell on my anger so I can focus on 'yung mga kailangan pagdesisyunan (things that need to be decided on).
Isa pa itong (This is another thing), extrajudicial, extrajudicial. We are not into it. 'Yung magpatay ng nakaluhod, nakatali, we are not into the business of making mummies. Sa Egypt lang 'yan. Pero itong mga yawang gumagawa ng mummies dito, bantay kayo.
(To kill a kneeling person, someone tied up, we are not into the business of making mummies. That's only in Egypt. But those making these mummies, you wait.)
I am declaring the creation of a task force to investigate these extrajudicial killings. Para tumahimik na itong mga bleeding hearts (So these bleeding hearts will shut up). I told you I’m not into it. So I’ll prove it.
Kayong mga pulis, makinig kayo (You policemen, listen). I am changing my order to shoot to disable, not shoot to kill. Kung manlaban 'yung drug pusher (If the drug pushers fight back), just shoot him in the foot so he won’t run away. Kung may baril, birahin mo lang sa kamay (If they have a gun, shoot them in the hand). They should see their day in court, mga yawa. My god, I hate drugs.
I’ll make a sacred promise to the Filipino people. I will stop extrajudicial killings in 3 to 6 months. I will continue the campaign until the last killer is out of the streets and behind bars.
Dito naman sa (When it comes to) United Nations, European Union, Obama, I’m sorry about my insults. I have my beef with you but we should talk things out. I don’t like what you’re saying but I should respect your right to say it. So, let’s talk. Walang santo sa atin so mag-aminan tayo (None of us our saints so let's admit it to ourselves).
Ito pa, yung media. Lahat ng sinasabi ko ginagawan ng istorya (And on the media. They make a story out of everything I say). Don’t think you’re exempt from punishment just because you’re a columnist. Pero 'yung mga hindi nagsisinungaling (But those not lying), they’re just doing their job.
Sa mga ibang supporters ko, kung hindi na ako mang-iinsulto, dapat kayo rin. Huwag kayo mambastos, mga yawa. (To some of my supporters, if I won't insult anymore, you should stop insulting also. Don't be rude, you fools.)
Don’t tell lies. Kundi papakainin ko kayo ng papel. Hindi nga (If not, I'll make you eat paper. It's true).
Kay Ma’am Leni naman, Robredo, I don’t want to pick a fight with a lady. Next year, maybe we can build back the bridges. Tutal, I always talk about unity in this country. Alam mo, lolo ko Chinese, lola ko Maranao (You know, my lolo is Chinese, my lola is Maranao). I am a President so I have to make peace, not war.
Ganito ‘yan, Ma’am Leni (It's like this, Ma'am Leni), maybe we can start anew. Kaibigan ko man si Bongbong (Bongbong is my friend) but I need to follow the law. There’s no decision yet on your electoral protest just like there is no court decision that your father is guilty of moral turpitude. I need to respect the will of the people.
So I’ll extend an olive branch. Mag-usap tayo (Let's talk) Ma’am Leni. I don’t know if you can still be in my Cabinet but there could be areas where we can, I don’t know, help each other for the good of the Filipino people.
I will put at stake my life, my honor, and even the presidency on these New Year’s resolutions.
Any questions? I’m good until 3 am.