10 New Year wishes – Pet Peeves Edition

I thought I might keep up my consistency about being the Season’s grouch, by making new year’s wishes that aren’t full of positive things like health and prosperity and world peace. (Although I do wish that for you too, dear reader.)

So here is a list of 10 grouchy wishes for the coming year.

1. I wish that when I bump into someone in a public place and apologize as a form of good manners, they do not take that as an admission that I deliberately ran into them.

For me, humanity is divided into those who are well-mannered enough to automatically apologize at the slightest body contact (this group I call the “good-lookings”)  and those that stare at me blankly, sometimes with hostility, or walk away in the end (this group I call, “the uglies”). For some reason, the return of my automatic courtesy with such hateur, riles me no end.

For those who return the courtesy, it is often a pleasant exchange and we just go our happy way. For those who are like me, I hope you win the lotto.

To those who have returned and will return my good manners with bad ones, I hope you have a serious wart problem this year. (This means you too, woman at the high-end grocery on Katipunan who was irritated because my son was standing at the entry and blocking you. And though I pulled him out of the way and apologized, you gave me a sneer.)

2. I wish people would not stand at the entry way or at the foot of the escalator or at the top of it to have long conversations with their companions about where to proceed or what to do next.

Or, at the very least, apologize if I have to excuse myself in order to get past you. Don’t worry, I will say something pleasant to you in return. After all, I am not like that nouveau riche lady who snubbed me at the high-end grocery.  I happen to be second-generation new poor and have no cacique airs whatsoever.

For people who do consider others walking behind them, I hope you get a free trip to your favorite foreign city.

To those who believe they own whatever place they happen to be standing in, I hope you get a serious case of frog infestation in your refrigerator.

3. I wish someone would give me a tank. I would crash into and run over all those cars parked on the road. 

In my case, I go to work using Congressional Avenue Extension, Luzon Avenue and Tandang Sora. You would think that a major highway and major roads like that would not be turned into parking lots. Apparently some people think responsible car ownership means buying a car and parking it on a national highway.

4. I wish that those who honk one second after the stop light turns green be taken by the Lord unto Him the minute they hit the horn.

Otherwise, I hope the Lord will give me the patience and the wisdom to obey my favorite etiquette guide, Judith Martin. She suggests that I engage my hand brake, step out of the car, and ask the honking driver what he needs of me.

5. I wish I had a crane big enough to lift badly parked cars.

You know, the ones that take two slots or park too closely to one side of the slot? I would take my crane, lift the car and put it down in its proper place. Of course, I wouldn’t put the car down gently. I would probably want to release the crane at about ten feet up.

6. I wish for greater humility for those who sing videoke in the wee hours of the morning very loud and off key.

If they do not find this humility within the next year, I hope they can be sent to a place where they have to sit and listen to someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard for eight hours a day for at least two weeks.

7. I wish that any person who comments about another person’s weight (either “fat” or “skinny”) be afflicted with bad hair. 

8. I wish this so that the fat (or skinny) person  can turn around immediately and say with as much concern or enthusiasm, “Hey, you’re right, I haven’t see you in a long time too, gee your hair looks bad.”

9. I wish I had a hundred pesos for every text message I have sent that has been dropped by the phone company. 

I suspect they program this so that each subscriber gets a certain number at arbitrary drops.  In this way, it has now become absolutely necessary that you follow up on any person who doesn’t send you an “ok” or “copy.” We can no longer really assume that reliable people will get back to us in good time or that silence means that the conversation was understood. If phone service was more reliable, think of the number of messages we would not have to send and the diminution in profit for our service providers.

10. Lastly, I wish that any politician who says “this is just a demolition job by my opponents” to any allegation of graft, corruption, sexism, ill-health or being unqualified be taken out and shot forthwith.

And a happy new year to all! – Rappler.com