10 reasons I’m now a Dutertian

I used to be against Duterte because of his endorsement of extrajudicial killings, his desire to bury Marcos in the Libingan ng mga Bayani and his beastliness against an Australian WOMAN missionary; our WOMAN Supreme Court Chief Justice and the WOMAN Senator Leila De Lima.

But as I have been reading his supporters’ arguments I have changed my mind  and joined the Dutertian bandwagon for the following reasons:

Well, it is a bandwagon. It’s a 16 million person bandwagon. Surely if 16 million people say Duterte can kill anyone he likes, bury anyone he likes anywhere he likes, and threaten to rape anyone he wants dead or alive – then how can that be wrong? They trust him. And because they do, everyone else should.

Anyone who stands in the way of  President Duterte must be a yellowtard. I did not know myself really, until Duterte came along. But every time I feel or say anything critical about the man, his followers say I must be a yellowtard.

Because of endless repetition, I am beginning to feel that indeed I must be so. I looked in my cabinet and found some yellow T-shirts. I looked at old pictures and realized I once owned a yellow umbrella. I realized that my years of fighting for human rights in dangerous situations was just a front to hide my being a YELLOW coward.

In fact, ever since I have decided to be a Dutertian, I have been trying to accept other aspects of my identity which were previously hidden from me. That I used to be a paid journalist writing critical articles about him, for example. As I looked for all the yellow things I owned, I tried also to find the bank account that contains all that moolah that Noynoy Aquino sent me to write critical articles against President Digong. I am sure it must be somewhere. My fellow Dutertians say so. Soon as I find it, my journey to my real former self will be complete.

I am also going to sniff out the Rappler leadership as to who is responsible for its yellow bias. It keeps hiring people like my (former) self who are obviously paid hacks for the evil that being anti-God, I mean anti-Duterte, represents.

In the meantime, I will  write comments about every Rappler journalist critical of my President. I shall say that they should not be read, that nobody reads them anyway and that I am disappointed and will stop reading. To do this, of course, I am going to have to keep on reading these people.

I no longer want to be THE PROBLEM. I had always thought that people had the right to criticize government (even the Aquino administration) because good governance demanded critical participation so that officials could be held accountable and policies improved. I always thought that if I paid my taxes, did my job well, followed traffic rules, and tried to be civil and evidence-based when I contributed to national debates, I was doing my job as a good citizen. I had always thought the serious political disagreements should not be taken personally.

But it turns out that this view of governance is only good for previous presidents. For President Duterte, change has come. How can anyone disagree with such perfection and the 16 million wise persons who noticed this perfection when others were just too blind to see it? Anyone who disagrees with him is a b$*tch. Anyone who disagrees with him condones drugs and criminality and corruption. They are THE PROBLEM.

So maybe like Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Ferdinand Marcos Jr.  I don’t have to be bothered with questions about whether I really earned my riches legally or paid my taxes or violated any laws, now that I have joined the bandwagon.

I like to regress to when I was 6 or 7 old when I didn’t like to study and liked to curse a lot.

It’s so hard really to have to actually read things about, say, the drug war. Especially when those long documents by experts don’t agree with my President’s policies. Well, here is what I think of you, government officials (curse you, Obama), UN officials (take that, Ban Ki Moon), health and law enforcement officers (who cares about the WHO): you are all poo poo faces.

Speaking of 6 year olds, I really am looking forward to having no respect for grammar and punctuation in any of the languages I choose to express myself. And if anyone notes that maybe my arguments are hard to understand because my grammar, spelling and punctuation make them dizzy, I will call them elitist. Because we the mighty masses have no concern whatsoever about reading and writing. Courtesy and language rules are for people from Manila who have studied useless courses in college and gotten high grades. WELL LOOK WHO IS BOSS NOW!!?!!!!

By the way, it is very nice to keep using the caps lock key. As a five year old, I love the caps lock key. It makes that little square on my keyboard light up. Pretty. WHEEEE!

Vicious. I love vicious. I am starting a new psychological experiment to prove that a person whose job and/or outlook is to viciously attack any negative criticism of Duterte lives longer. Also a divided nation, polarized by the attacks of us Dutertians, will be a great nation. 

I really like China. I really think we should give them a pass in the West Philippine Sea. After all, they are really helping my President. 

I finally realized that I am not a babe and therefore cannot possibly be of any concern to the President. Since I am not worthy of getting his gonads going (apparently this is the most important criteria, lucky the woman who he wolf whistles), I should at least be quiet and not make noise. Since compliant babes are what really get our President happy, people like me should at least try to make up for our inability to do sexy dances by giving him starry-eyed adulation instead. After all, not all of us can be both babes and adoring. We can at least be adoring.

I just hate those women like Senator De Lima who have the gall to think they can criticize our President and expect respect as if she was a man. (Naku, De Lima, di ka na nakakatuwa.) Doesn’t she know she is just a woman who will always be judged along sexual criteria that please Duterte? We can’t tolerate the thought that she might enjoy a sexual life, when our President doesn’t like her. Listen, all you muddapakas out there, the only women who can be moral while having sexual relations are our President’s women or the women of men our President likes. Because all the men our President doesn’t like are gay and having a relationship with them is…I can’t say it, I can’t say what it is.

And if any of you make anything about my President’s sexual behaviors, well you have no respect at all for the man and the office. He is a man, he has his needs. 

I am sick and tired of due process. Kill them all! Enter their homes without warrant! And if someone like De Lima disagrees, smear her first and promise proof for later. Whenever later means.

If enough of these vermin die from bullets or shaming (unless of course those we name are dead judges in which case they need not report to their supervisors), we will have a peaceful and prosperous society. 

I have a brilliant suggestion. According to intelligence reports, a lot of tricycle drivers and bus drivers are on shabu. If we start killing them then we are able to phase out tricycles and diminish the number of buses plying or streets. We will achieve what a lot of traffic experts have been recommending.

And if anyone of those human rights sissies get in the way, KILL THEM TOO.

On the issue of extrajudicial killings, I have to admit that us Dutertians seem divided. Some say our God, I mean President, does not condone extrajudicial killings. Some say that is what he promised and that is why we voted him into office. Whatever! As long as you choose the explanation that wins the argument, we are fine with that.

Black and white thinking makes life so simple. Those of you who protect the rights of drug suspects don’t care one little bit about the REAL victims of drugs. Those of you who write things and disagree with him are all just theoretical people who just talk and talk and don’t do any real work on the matter. Only He is actually doing something about it. Either you are with Him or against Him.

So there. I now expect agreement from a gadzillion egg-shaped or letter profile picture accounts. I have seen the light. Those who disagree with me, and therefore also disagree with my President, should use their faces to do rectal examinations. – Rappler.com