[OPINION] Why Duterte can’t get rid of Trillanes

In a recent interview, Honeylet Avancena, the President’s partner, posed the question, “If, as they say, President Duterte is responsible for all those murders, how come Trillanes is still alive?”

The question intrigued me. So, employing my gift for extra-sensory perception (ESP), I was able to probe deep into Duterte’s stream of consciousness and found the answer, among other flotsam and jetsam. 

Duterte’s thoughts were in Bisaya, so I had to recruit the services of someone close to him for an accurate translation, though the passage of Duterte’s raw thoughts to me, and from my mind to my friend’s mind, and from his mind back to mine guaranteed that some things would be lost in translation. But probably not much. So here are Duterte’s unexpurgated ruminations on Senator Sonny Trillanes.

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“That son of a bitch Trillanes…that puking ina…he’s really asking for it…. I can have him eliminated anytime, that lousy homosexual…. The only problem is he’s part of the military fraternity…. The officers may be full of rivalries and they may hate one another, but they’ll get together if you kill one of them because they’ll see it as an attack on the institution…. Killing that putang ina is the surest way to lose the military’s support, and I need that to push through with martial law…. And there’s a lot of these junior officers that admire this idiot for having led that mutiny as a way to get to the Senate and ultimately – but over my dead body – to the presidency, and if I did anything to their role model, that’ll just trigger a lot of plots to get me, and one might just succeed…

‘Tang ina…. Maybe I could just order some guys from Davao to gang rape his wife and daughter…. Yup…I’d like to get a piece of their sweet asses, too…but, ‘tang ina, that would be traceable to me…easily…. Maybe, I should get at somebody not as high-profile, like that son of a bitch Alejano or that shit Acedillo as a warning to Trillanes…. Maybe have it look like an accident…. Bato has guys that specialize in this, though some of those poses of addicts showing resistance were not convincing…. He should fire some of them…. Putang ina…. Maybe I could challenge Trillanes to a duel, but what if he accepts, and he’s said to be a good shot?… ‘Tang ina…

No, maybe the solution might be to ruin his reputation, maybe get Dick Gordon to execute an affidavit that Trillanes tried to grab his dick in the Senate CR…. Gordon, that professional cocksucker, would do anything I say…. But, no, nobody believes Gordon anymore…. I wonder why…. Maybe it’s because of that Arrneow de Manila English which I find as annoying as Yasay’s ‘tang inang English…. Haaay, there are days when I feel just like that guy in Las Vegas…. How liberating it would be to get my rifle, place a bump stock to make it a rapid fire machine, and go from one office to another, gunning down Trillanes, Hontiveros, Robredo, Gascon, Sereno, Morales, and the whole yellow crowd and the ‘tang inang Reds too who’ve betrayed me after I was so good to them, giving them all those posts…. ‘Tang ina ‘nyong lahat…. Yes, that Las Vegas guy is my kind of guy…I would have given him a medal…”

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That’s it. He dozed off and my ESP unfortunately can only catch stream of consciousness, not interpret dreams. You need Freud for that. And I trained under James Joyce, not Sigmund. – Rappler.com

Walden Bello is not normally a writer of fiction.