#UnsentLetters: Lovers’ Leap

Unsent  Letters is a newsletter curated by Shakira Sison featuring unspoken sentiments gathered from reader submissions. It features unsent letters to real and imagined lovers. Rappler publishes Unsent Letters every Saturday.

I never expected to feel this much. All I knew was that I was tired. I knew that love can cause you to change in ways you’ll never believe you’ll allow yourself to. That sometimes, feelings of inadequacy can kill the relationship. That in the course of giving love, you may likely lose yourself. And I was tired of experiencing this loss. Twice in a row, I’ve forgotten that I was worthy. I didn’t want a third try anytime soon. 

But you came, and all the tiredness slowly started leaving me. You didn’t seem to be the kind of person who would want me to be someone other than myself. You seemed to like me the way I was. You seemed to be someone I could trust, talk to without reservations, and try again with. And that scared me to death. 

You called it surreal, and I can’t help but agree. All it took was a glance that was a few seconds too long. And now here we are. 

I was not supposed to feel anything. I was not supposed to get attached. I was not supposed to want this. But damn if you don’t have a way with me; the way you know just what to do or say to make me feel safe and happy, the way nights turn into early mornings filled with conversations and comfortable silences, the way nature and adventure brightens both our eyes. And I knew – I was doomed. 

You weren’t lacking in warning me. You knew you were dangerous, and you’ve told me plenty of times that I should guard my heart. Believe me, I’ve kept that in mind the whole time. At the back of my head, a voice repeatedly tells me that this isn’t real. That I wasn’t special. That it won’t do to lose myself again.

That I would only get hurt in the end. 

Nothing worked. I thought I was in control, but I couldn’t help it. It was easy to forget the pain with you, when the possibility of getting it right seems in reach. Like you, I really wanted to get it right this time, and I’d really like it to be with you. 

I don’t know if time is for us or against us though. I suppose it’s both. You’ve just gotten out of a relationship as well, and share the same fear of not being enough. It’s funny because we seem to be, for the other. Yet fear seemed to paralyze us. Time pushed us together but left us twenty seconds apart. 

For any other pair, it might seem easy to get past that. But I’ve heard your fears. I’ve seen your ghosts. I’ve felt them shake you – how they’re pushing yet pulling, keeping you standing where you are. They’re the same things that are keeping me still. 

You told me that you knew what you could feel for me, that you feel safe with me when you’re not supposed to. You said that you were scared of your feelings, because you were not supposed to have any. 

You also told me that you were scared to settle down. That I’m too good for you and that you don’t deserve me at this point. I understand completely, because that’s how I feel as well. I can’t help but wonder what bad is in you, what your demons look like. Because you had to have them. You can’t be all good. And I imagine that that’s what you’re thinking as well, that this is too good to be true. But darling, it feels so, so real not to be.

We are two scared souls hungry for proof that there is nothing to fear. At least, I think so. I’m hoping that you feel the same. I’m hoping that it’s just the fall that scares you, the possibility that I’d leave you to drown. 

The leap is high, I know. The risk so much more so. But I love adventure and so do you. And I hope that maybe, just maybe, you’d find it in you to take the jump with me.  

I will if you will. – Rappler.com

Do you have your own Unsent Letter? Send them to unsentletters@rappler.com. Selected letters will be anonymized and edited for clarity and brevity. By submitting to Unsent Letters, you represent that the work is your own and that you waive your rights to it for present and future publication.