#UnsentLetters: I Broke My Own Heart
It has been two years since I last held your hand, last kissed you on the forehead. Two long years since I had my chance at forever, yet I just let it slip away. I always loved you as a sister, a best friend. Akala ko hanggang dun lang yun, akala ko yun na yung tamang pagmamahal na dapat ibigay sa yo. I was wrong. You deserved a lot more than that.
I can still vividly remember the sound of the waves that fine day. We were holding hands while walking, acting as if tayo lang ang tao sa beach. We did not have any label to what we had basta ang alam ko lang, masaya ako kapag kasama kita at malaya ako. You stopped, looked me and said, “I love you more than a friend. Give me a chance; give us a chance at forever.”
I pretended that I was shocked, kasi alam ko naman na mahal mo ako. I told you that I can't love you back because I was so scared to let it all out. Tinanong kita kung pwede ba na ganito na lang, walang label. Mind over heart ang pinairal ko, feeling ko entering into a relationship with you was wrong in so many levels. You were a lot younger than me, ang daming kilay na tataas kapag nalaman nila na tayo na. I was overthinking. All I was thinking of was myself, my own feelings. Natakot kasi ako, feeling ko nun hindi kita kayang panindigan. Sabi mo maghihintay ka hanggang kaya ko na mag-commit.
Akala ko wala kang pagod, akala ko di ka magsasawang mahalin ako. Meron pala. Nagulat na lang ako when you got engaged to another girl. Akala ko matutuwa ako kasi finally masaya ka na sa piling ng taong kayang tumbasan ang pagmamahal mo. Pero hindi kasi ang sakit pala. Tears started rolling down my cheeks kasi alam ko that should have been me, I should have been the luckiest girl alive. Duwag kasi ako e, inuna ko pa yung iisipin ng iba bago ang nararamdaman ko. I thought that was the right thing to do.
Ang labo ko 'no? Tinulak kita palayo, tapos ngayon nasasaktan ako sa tuwing nakikita ko ang pictures niyo, happy in the arms of each other. Totoo nga ang sinasabi ng iba, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I let my chance slip away, just because I was afraid to come out. Too afraid to accept that I am in love with a girl. I was so selfish, pinagdamot ko sa yo at sa sarili ko ang pagmamahal na totoo. Takot dahil sa mata ng madaming tao hindi tama ang magmahal ng kagaya mo, na hindi tayo matatanggap ng mundo. Kasalanan ko to, I should have believed you when you told me you got my back, that you'll hold my hand and never let me go.
Two years, love. Two years have passed since I chose to stay hidden inside the closet. Two years since I broke my own heart. – Rappler.com