#UnsentLetters: Tidal Wave of Despair

Unsent Letters is a newsletter curated by Shakira Sison featuring unspoken sentiments gathered from reader submissions. It features unsent letters to real and imagined lovers. 

Do I still love you?

It has been too long since we last spoke, even longer since we last met. However, I remember you so vividly: every detail of your face, the expressions you make, your scattered moles and freckles, your wrinkles, your dimples, the gaps between your teeth, your little fingers and toes, your body, your breasts, your laugh—everything. To be honest, not a day passes by without at least a single thought of you.

Does it still hurt?

No. Not really. I don’t think so. I remember you, but every time I dig out a memory of you, it would always be a happy one: kissing under the fireworks, holding hands in public, our after-work coffee dates—nothing worth hating actually. I guess that is the beauty of knowing that you have forgiven. There is no ill taste left in my mouth and it feels glorious!

Do I still miss you?

Yes. It’s hard to deny. You see, I remember you and I enjoy the memories you’ve left for me. Every time I think of you, I dream of reliving those days. If there were any way someone could live in the past, I would bury myself in it, if only I could spend another day with you. Oh how nice it would be to be able to hold you once more in my arms, to dance with you to the beat of silence and the sound of nothing but our breathing. How wonderful it would be to be able to make the distance between us disappear – our own personal atmosphere. I live this blind fantasy every time you pass by the corners of my mind. I miss you. I picture you in every beautiful way you could be imagined. I yearn for you, I dream of you, I crave you, I miss you, but I do not dare to seek you again.

I reckon I have not yet answered my first question…

Well…NO. I have forgiven you, I’ve let go of all the pain you have cost me. In the short year we have been together, I stomached your indecisiveness, I listened to your misfortunes, I let you sink my ship with your tidal wave of despair. You were broken beyond repair yet you were most beautiful cloaked in misery. It was never love you needed, if anything, love burdened you more.

So although it kills me to know that I will never be yours again, I rejoice – because with your absence, there is no more pain. Without you, the love I give is the same love I will gain.

They say it is best to love a challenging woman. Well let me tell you, it never ends well. What’s worse is that you are bound to carry your God-forsaken emotions to the deepest part of your soul and it will stay there till the end—all the love you wish she needed. – Rappler.com

Do you have your own Unsent Letter? Send them to unsentletters@rappler.com. Selected letters will be anonymized and edited for clarity and brevity. By submitting to Unsent Letters, you represent that the work is your own and that you waive your rights to it for present and future publication.