#AskMargie: Being dumped
MANILA, Philippines – In last week's episode. #AskMargie followers shared their experiences and life lessons in dumping.
Someone and/or being dumped. Someone said she'd rather be the one dumped than the one doing the dumping.
Dr. Margie Holmes asked: Do you agree with her?
Amy Perez: I agree. I’d rather be the one dumped. At least I know I did not give up just like that. Wala yung feeling na I will be blamed at the end for not trying.
Jan Argy says: I don't necessarily agree but I think it's guilt and 'hiya' of Pinoys.
Trixie Cruz: I'd rather be the dumpee. Don't you find it difficult telling someone you don't love them anymore? Try telling that to someone who has made you the center of their universe.
Andrew Craig-Bennett: If you are dumping someone, you are going to cause them a good deal of distress, for selfish reasons of your own. I have done it twice in my life; I did not do it well and I don't look back on my actions with any pleasure.
Andrew adds some pampalubag loob or consolation:
Andrew Craig-Bennett: My other observation is that each time you get dumped it hurts a bit less!
Ella Ola-Kintanar: It's the guilt that you've caused someone pain. That, and the actual pain that you feel when you see someone you love (or used to love) go through so much pain.
Some of you said they’d rather be the ones doing the dumping.
Carolyn Malasig says: I'd rather do the dumping than be the one dumped, though. It's more painful when you're the one being left behind. Like there's something wrong with you and he found someone better. This sounds a bit egotistical and self-absorbed, pero ganoon eh.
Maureen Jean Lara: For me, I think it takes a lot more for the one who does the dumping. Sure, if you’re the one who got dumped you’d be in pain, but the decision to dump someone is also quite difficult, because you know that you are going to cause pain.
Maureen Jean Lara: Let’s say you’re in a relationship that’s going nowhere. If I choose not to dump the other party, just because I do not want to hurt the person, what does that make me? A martyr? A good person? No, not really. I’d rather dump the other if it means taking charge of my life, rather than be goaded into staying just because I don't want to cause pain to another person.
Edna Aquino: Being dumped is worse than dumping someone. It’s about power - who has the upperhand, who calls the shot. Losing my self-esteem best captured what I went through when I was dumped. It brought out the worst in me. Why do I say so? I don't think I'll cry if something bad would happen to him. Does it mean I have not been healed or had a closure yet? The upside - it was an eye -opener that taught me to learn to love myself.
Trixie Cruz says: The idea of being around someone who doesn't love you is, to say the least, far, far more painful. You get to see this person all the time and know deep down, that there isn't any affection returned or it is returned with such superficiality that there may as well be none --
If Trixie seems to be contradicting herself because of what she said earlier it’s because she is.. But then, ok lang. In fact, ok na ok, because aren’t we all confused, approaching and avoiding, then approaching the relationship once more? It’s hard to say goodbye to, and it’s hard to hear a goodbye from, someone we loved…and that’s why we sometimes make a mess of it.
Rom Cumagun offers a different view: Rom Cumagun: I disagree that one should prefer being dumped over the one dumping; being dumped implies that one has been the undesirable partner.
However, I think neither should be preferred at all. Framing the relationship in terms of the dumper and the dumped highlights power struggles; I would rather that couples reframe the question to: which do you prefer: the one to have loved or the one to have been loved more?
MOI: Thank you, Ron. And in an ideal world, yes, we would speak only of loving, who loved less and who was loved more, etc. But this is not an ideal world we live in and in relationships where one needs to say goodbye and the other doesn’t want him/her to do so, love sometimes flies out the window.
Let me share Duck’s Model of Relationship Disillusionment. Prof and relationship researcher DR Steve Duck says that breaking up: NOT a single event but a series of events which can be divided in 4 stages:
Intrapsychic: to reflect and/or to vent to those partner doesn’t know – hairdresser, masahista, etc.
Dyadic: talk it over. couple knows. If constructive-rapproachement. If one is determined, chugi.
Social: social networks in which the dyad was embedded. People who knew them as a couple. Breakup has fallout for other relationships too: partner’s work colleagues, children*
Grave dressing: usually unrecognized phase.
Need to publish the relationship and its death.
Need to justify breakup, to show themselves in a good light, that doesn’t negatively affect their chances for future relationships. Shows them as mature relaters or innocent victims ho have learned a lesson.
Here are two more people who shared their views:
Ulysses De Guzman: In either position you're in, it’s never a pleasant situation. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be the person delivering bad news. For me personally, wherever and however the wind blows. I'd entertain both roles.
But Alfie also says, if a relationship really isn’t working out, choosing to dump someone can be a necessity:
Alfie Mella: If I am in a relationship and I really don't like to be there anymore for whatever reason--after trying--then what should I do? Wait for the girl to feel the signals and then wait for her to dump me? That’s even worse, because that's patronizing. It's like staying in a relationship just to stroke the confidence of the other person.
Extending the lifespan of a relationship that is beyond repair just prevents both persons to be able to find a better one. Life is short, and let's face it, the relationship marketability of humans diminishes as they age.
And the humane way of leaving a relationship is to be honest, and not cheat. Pag ayaw na--hayaan na. Kahit ano pa ang dahilan. Then...move on.
WRAP UP Just 2 thoughts before I go:
1. actual dumping is better than a silent, emotional dumping that your partner doesn’t know about.
2. If we shared Duck’s steps in relationship break up, let me now share with you Holmes’ steps in relationship outcomes. I truth, it’s not really Holmes’, but somebody else’s whose name escapes me at the moment, but it makes sense, so here goes:
Dillusionment, THEN fork in the road either dumping/being dumped cause not worth it
Commitment. Commitment is when we can say a MATURE relationship has finally happened...
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