Things I’ve learned about love

I always get asked about love.

In my online platforms, the questions are constant. How do you make love last? What is the secret to a good relationship? How do I get over someone? How do I deal with loss? How do I get over my broken heart? How do I make someone love me? How do I un-love someone? How do I make someone stop loving me?

I don’t know where they got this idea that I somehow know something, but what I do know I’ve gathered from living and loving through the years. 

Here are some of the things I have learned about love.

1) Love is not just a noun, but also a verb.

That means it’s an action word.

You love someone consciously and constantly, not just when the feeling is there. When you feel you are falling out of love, think about what part of your relationship is based on emotions and how much of it is founded on the things you do for the one you love. 

2) Commitments aren’t just formalities.

A relationship may very well exist without a commitment but having a clear agreement to nurture it above everything else is the difference between a relationship based on current emotions and one where both parties promise to make an effort to keep it alive.  

3) Mutual understandings or “MUs” don’t have to turn into “malabong usapan” (confusing agreements).

If you can’t commit to a formal relationship, at least establish ground rules like exclusivity, dating schedules, and future plans. If you don’t discuss these things and just go with the flow, you might find in the end that the two of you had different expectations from your relationship.

Don’t be upset when your partner disappoints you on things you never said were important to you. 

4) Sex is a part of love, but love isn’t always a part of sex.

Assuming you’re loved just because you had sex sometimes means you’re totally screwed. Don’t have sex with someone hoping they will fall in love with you, and don’t fall in love with someone so they will have sex with you. 

5) Sex is a powerful thing.

While some are capable of casual hookups, sex may easily change a friendship or relationship and it’s difficult to predict what either party’s reaction will be. Regardless of how casual our intentions are, we still expose our deepest selves during intimacy and we could be more vulnerable than we’d like to admit.  

6) Have the sex conversation before you actually have sex.

Discuss your plans, your feelings about sex, and how you both plan to address contraception and sexually transmitted infections. Agree on a safer sex method and talk about what you would both do should you end up pregnant or with an STI.

(READ: Sex 101: Here’s how to talk about your sexual desires and boundaries)

Sex is so much more enjoyable when both parties are not worried about unfavorable consequences. Discussing sex beforehand also makes for a more loving and intimate experience because you’ll know whether your partner really cares about you or if you should have lower expectations of the act.

7) Being dazzled by a charming new person isn’t necessarily love, but a reflection of how we want to see ourselves or how we want others to see us.

Infatuations sometimes feel so intense and it’s easy to mistake an attraction for love, but time easily differentiates the two. Try not to move so quickly when you can’t tell them apart.

8) Just because you like someone’s qualities doesn’t mean you’ll be compatible, have the same goals, or adapt to each other’s changes long-term.

There is far more about a person than what they present in the beginning. Spending time with each other before making serious commitments is necessary in determining long-term prospects.

9) The challenge of an impossible conquest may make you believe that you love someone more than you actually do.

Be careful when you say you are in love with someone you do not know, or who is not interested in you. You may want them to be your lover, but until you are intimately involved with them, being in love may very well mean a one-sided emotion that will never be reciprocated.

10) Do not mistake challenge, effort, and hard work as a gauge of how strongly you feel for a person.

The level of conflict in a relationship is not a measure of its intensity. More often than not, it fools us into believing we feel more because we’ve sacrificed more. When the bad times outnumber the good, we tend to focus on the good parts and forget that we are compromising our happiness with all the bad parts we choose to ignore.

11) Accept no less than a person who is crazy about you.

If love’s intensity decreases through time, what happens if the one you love at Level 10 starts at Level 2 with you? In the same vein, do not begin a relationship wanting a person to change. Recognize each person’s flaws and undesirable traits at the onset, but don’t make yourself believe that your love can change a person’s nature.

12) You always want what you cannot have.

When you are the third party or part of an extramarital affair, the impossibility of your situation may cloud your judgment and make your feelings more intense because you cannot completely possess the object of your affection. 

It is easy to place more meaning on stolen moments when one doesn’t have the benefit of an everyday life with someone they love. Only when both parties are free of constraints and have spent time in ordinary routine can each one really examine the intensity of their feelings for each other. 

13) A relationship that lasts doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

There is so much emphasis on longevity and in the concept of forever, when the truth is that a good relationship is a constant struggle and requires daily effort, with many instances where peace and resolution seem unreachable.

In the same light, a love of a few months can mean much more than a love spanning decades, depending on what it opens up in people’s hearts. Take a look at the lifelong relationships around you. Not all of them are happy, and not all relationships that end quickly are sad. 

14) Marriage doesn’t turn a bad relationship into a good one, nor is marriage always the next step in a relationship.

A good relationship may not necessarily benefit from marriage the way a bad relationship will not be made good by a legal contract.  

15) Parenthood is not for everyone.

While society expects women and couples to reproduce as a default, not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and one does not become less of a person should they decide not to have children. You owe it to your child to be completely sure of your commitment to him or her, and to not create life just because it is society’s expectation of you.

16) Recognize that your longtime crush you never want to reveal your feelings to could be your relationship of convenience.

Unrequited love is forever because it only ends when you want it to. Meanwhile, rejection is final and requires you to finally end your chase. Relationships are hard and are likely to end in heartbreak. This makes one-sided attractions very enticing to those who cannot take risks.

17) There is a Greek expression that translates to, “The third person only fits in the space between the first two.”

Infidelity isn’t the cause of a relationship’s downfall. It is the symptom. Affairs are also one of the easier things that couples can get over if they just recognize how and why it happened and what needs to be addressed in the relationship. 

18) Don’t start a relationship saying you don’t want to be hurt or by making someone promise they’ll never hurt you.

Both parties can only try their best, but love and relationships guarantee pain. Love is a constant negotiation of space and time, and when we test each other’s boundaries, we are bound to hurt and be hurt.  

19) Each relationship is unique.

Asking advice from people who have more experience may be helpful, but in the end there are only two people who know exactly what’s going on and how each person behaves in a relationship. Respect other people’s relationships the way you want yours to be respected.

20) Don’t forget to enjoy love!

Despite its complications, the sacrifices and compromises of relationships, and the despair of heartache when these end, there’s a reason love fuels songs, creates art, and builds families. Regardless of its duration, be grateful it graced your life and that you once felt completely hopeful and alive. Not everyone gets that chance.

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers! – Rappler.com