[OPINION] How to be a strong single mother

Paid in hugs, kisses, and tears, single parenthood is a full-time job. It takes everything, and more. You have to be the strongest person she knows – tougher than her heartaches.

You will really love being a parent. At some point, you will even feel like you deserve it, but most days, you won’t recommend it. Parenthood is like signing up to feel like a failure for at least 60% of the days of the rest of your life. (READ: Single mothers: Different faces, same struggles)

In our society today, people are fond of attaching stigma to something that is already difficult. They are having the perspective like it is not hard enough to be the sole arbiter of someone’s life: where she studies, where she should live, what she can and cannot eat, what she should believe in, how much she can know about the world, which people she should have in her life, and who is the one she can love. Handling these alone is not that easy, so you don’t need people’s awkward politeness when you introduce yourself as a single parent, just respond with a high five instead. Do not patronize, pity, or smile to hide judgments.

Signed contract

There’s an implicit binding contract you might not be aware you signed when they pulled her out from you. That’s the deal.

First, you must be better than you were yesterday. The time to find yourself and make mistakes was the last 9 months of carrying her in your womb, but that book is closed now, to be reread and revisited for 5 drunk nights a year. Second, you must love yourself. Forgive yourself on the days when you are less than what she deserves. Third, your child must be loved – she must be fed and clothed, she must be surrounded by people who loves her. She must be taught how to love. She needs to be loved unconditionally. (READ: A love letter to single moms from a single mom)

Forgive all your past, present, and future transgressions. Parenthood is daunting, and at the risk of sounding self-congratulatory, single parenthood is herculean. One needs superpowers: read minds, be invisible, fly. But it is the best thing there is.

‘The one they have is why you live’

What they don’t tell you when you get pregnant is that the baby doesn’t develop its own heart. It takes yours. So when they are born, you enter a whole new existence where your heart is now outside of your body. Make no mistake, the one that you feel beating inside you just lets you continue to breath. The one they have is why you live. 

Your list of fears are no longer the flying cockroaches, bills, or jerks. They are being transformed into ledges, sharp corners, and her future jerks. Also, your frustrations become the fuel to enroll her in every imaginable co-curricular activity such as ballet, piano, kung fu, archery, and debate. She will be everything you weren’t. She will be pressured and pushed to conquer the world, if it’s the last thing you do. (READ: The challenges and triumphs of single moms)

You will revel in her milestones like the ones other parents put in expensive baby books – her first, step, her first tooth, and her first haircut, but the ones not in the book were her first heartbreak, and the first time the rose-tinted glasses came off. When you see innocence slowly seep from her eyes as she inevitably gets acquainted with the evils of this world, your heart will break too. You will attempt to prevent this, cover her ears and eyes, keep her pure. But you will fail. The world will get to her. But the world doesn’t have to win. After teaching yourself to be strong, you must also teach her to be tough.

Understand that single parenthood is a choice. The choice to be a good parent or to be a selfish person is a choice you make on a daily basis. In times when you’re tired and overworked but she needs you to read her that book for the nth time, her shrill yell rings, “Maaa! Keep reading!” Your choices are to be her mom or give in to the lethargy and sleep.

Ignore those misinformed lumps who congratulate you for having a kid, those who say you’re lucky for having the temerity to procreate. Look, any fertile prat who forgot to use a condom can reproduce. A kid is not a trophy nor an achievement. You are lucky but not for the reasons they think. You are lucky for the opportunity to help leave this world a better place through a child. Parenthood is a huge and lifetime responsibility. It brings so much joy and fulfillment but only if you choose to honor the gift of their life. You can just easily mess them up and that is the line we avoid crossing every day. This is our daily struggle. This is my divine quest. If you will believe me, it is glorious. – Rappler.com

Mara Barbra Nanaman is a 33-year-old single mother who hails from Iligan City. She is an English teacher and debate coach in an international school in Jakarta, Indonesia.