Controlling is not caring
The oppression and the control of women starts so early on in life and so subtly that we do not even notice it. For as long as we can remember, limits were set for us. There were things that we could not do simply because we are girls.
We can’t play outside (girls shouldn’t be seen all over the streets or pakalat-kalat). We can’t rough it out (that’s unladlylike). We shouldn’t laugh so loud (that’s just improper); We shouldn’t talk too much (that would be nagging). We shouldn’t wear revealing clothes (only whores do that).
While our brothers and other male members of the family sat around watching TV and enjoyed a beer, we were expected to cook dinner and clean up after.
The list goes on and on.
We think it is our parents’ way of caring. And yes, as a young child growing up, it serves its purpose of providing guidance.
It is difficult to outgrow this “controlling-caring” dynamic. Because once our parents start to let go, someone else sets in to control and moderate all in the name of caring about us and protecting us.
So when our boyfriend tells us what to wear and not to stay out too late at night, we think he is being sweet. We find it hard to recognize it as a way of exercising control.
We don’t recognize it as policing our behavior and setting limitations because that’s what people who care about us do, right? They only want the best for us.
Which is probably why many men and women agreed with Sotto and defended him.
It is the same reason why many Pakistanis rose to Azeem’s defense. Even before he strangled Baloch, many were already threatening to rape and kill her. He just did the job for them.
In a rare move, the Pakistani government reportedly prohibited Baloch’s family from forgiving their son.
The option of the aggrieved party to “forgive” the perpetrator is the loophole that allows many of the estimated 500 honor killings to go unpunished.
Defending these men and blaming the women they victimize breeds rape culture.
When we ask a rape victim what she was wearing, how much she had to drink and imply that she brought being raped upon herself, that is rape culture. We pass the blame and shame onto the victim and in the process, let the perpetrator off the hook.
Rape culture is our version of “forgiveness” for an honor killing. – Rappler.com