(Don’t) keep it in your pants

Here's a modest proposal against Church celibacy

As one of the Roman Catholic Church’s older traditions, the practice of celibacy is meant to enable the priesthood to better follow the footsteps of Jesus, reiterating the Church’s role as the Bride of Christ.

But even as it straps a proverbial chastity belt on its clergy, the Church has also been an outspoken figure on a variety of sexual matters today, whether it’s about the “horrors” of providing women with an informed choice regarding their reproductive health, or saying that gay marriage is “unnatural.”

More than just strongly worded press releases or pastoral letters, the Catholic Church has also taken the extra step of directly informing politicians about their displeasure. It’s quite telling when bishops gather to collectively claim that it’s not corruption, unemployment, or lack of education, but rather gay marriage, that threatens family values.

And all this, even as the Catholic Church fights an uphill battle trying to justify its repeated failures to penalize pedophilic priests across the globe.

But looking past the tirades against sexual deviancy, could there be something deeper than their obvious rhetoric? What if buried somewhere in their overt announcements, the clergy are actually sending out faint, subtle hints of an ulterior message?

That they would really, really, like to get laid?

Cries for help?

Like any other form of abstinence, celibacy can result in a variety of negative psychological effects in the practitioner, such as increased feelings of anger, frustration, self-doubt, and in more severe cases, depression.

This understanding of the hazards of celibacy, combined with the Church’s conservative policies and general silence on sex education, challenges observers to rethink the statements of the likes of Bishops Teodoro Bacani or Oscar Cruz; for all we know, the CBCP’s constant speaking out on the matters of reproductive health, women’s issues, and the LGBT community are actually desperate cries for help.

With such a large collection of angry birds under their roof, one form of therapy the Church might want to consider is eliminating the need for celibacy. After all, what better way to celebrate god’s creation than being in the arms – or legs – of a significant other?

And let’s face it – people are more likely to scream the almighty’s name in genuine bliss when they’re having an orgasm, as compared to saying it in mass. This moral boost couldn’t come at a better time, as the RCC faces an alarming decline in its population of priests and nuns.

When a priest’s significant other gets pregnant (which is inevitable, given their non-use of abortifacients), this can also foster a better understanding of the intricacies of parenthood and reproductive health.

It will certainly help reframe their perspective on birth control in a more realistic light, especially if they have to raise their child in the slums. Not to mention that being preoccupied with their family will make them less likely to vent their otherwise pent-up sexual frustrations on the altar boys.

More than just helping to foster contentment and happiness, a healthy sex life has also been linked to several health benefits, including better immunity to disease, reduced cholesterol, improved cardio-vascular health, and overall better resistance to pain.

After all, if the body is God’s temple, it would only be sensible to keep the whole thing well-run and educated.
And the older priests wouldn’t even have to marry to enjoy the benefits of a happy sex life – studies have shown that even masturbating can help reduce the risk of prostate cancer among men in their 50s.

As the clergy gets older, having moderate amounts of sex just might be their ticket to living longer, enabling them to touch the lives (not to mention other androgynous areas) of more followers in the years to come. – Rappler.com

(The author belongs to the Filipino Freethinkers)

Related story: Pampanga’s priests defy celibacy

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