It was some years ago when my partner first gave me a hint: a sex toy to play with could be interesting. That was enough for me to find out more. It lit my curiosity and I was ecstatic about the fact that she had an active interest in our sexual life and was taking steps to build a more fulfilling one over time, instead of the opposite.
We were always rather open about our intimacy and curious about our bodies, eager to find out those pleasure spots or being pointed towards them. We also occasionally spoke about our fantasies, about those images that existed in our minds and the sensations they made us feel. Not only did it produce a very stimulating conversation, it also gave us a better understanding of each other’s idea of pleasure and of how to induce one another to feel more of it.
My partner knew she could tell me about her fantasies because I was her accomplice, someone who wanted to take part in those tales even though we both knew they would stay in the fantasy world, and not enter the bedroom. Particularly if it involves having two mean at once!
Fantasies don’t bite, we shouldn’t be afraid of them. We all have them. You would be surprised to know how common it is for women to fantasize about pleasing and being pleased by two men at once. You’re probably one of them, but how about a second man? Most men wouldn’t like to entertain this idea, and neither do I.
However one needs to realize that in a fantasy what matters is the sensation, not the physicality. The other is not a real person, it’s an idea, an abstract image one cannot make out the contours of, so don’t panic. And don’t be jealous: fantasies exist and excite exactly because they are not real.
In a fantasy you two are the only real persons in it. So embrace it and bring it along in your most adventurous trips.
A trip to the toy store
I embraced the idea, and understood that it would be the closest, and only way to satisfy her fantasy; and it could be a gateway to a deeper exploration and heightened pleasure, leading us to fall in love again and again, discovering each other over and over. (READ: To hook up or not too hook up: My first Tinder date)
We walked into this rather ugly store; it was the first time either of us had ever been in an adult shop. We spent a while there and looked at various toys until my partner found the one she was looking for. It was a realistic one, generously sized, but not excessive.
Though the shopping experience was not a great one, I did feel a confidence growing in me as I walked to the cashier. Here I was with my partner sharing an incredibly intimate moment in public, and not being afraid of living out that moment. The thrill and a keen interest towards our intimacy led us over time to explore more shops, toys and brands and to the realization that there’s a whole world out there that caters to couples’ pleasures in its many, many forms.
What’s in it for me? Is this all just to realize my partner’s fantasy? And what about me?
Well, not necessarily. You can start by picturing her playing around with her toy and you at the same time, or you could be the one controlling the toy (they also come with remote controls), watch her get in the right mood until she really wants you! The real thing.
Toys really are meant for couples, for it is couples that benefit the most from them. Surely they can be used solo too, but it will never be – and cannot become – a substitute for the love, affection, pleasure, complicity and fun you will gift each other with.
Just like good food tastes better when paired with a good wine, making love is so much, and I repeat, so much better when it comes with all the condiments that make it so tasty. It is really up to the two of you to find the recipe you like the most. But remember: you only find it if you look for the right ingredients, and if you understand how to mix them into a refined whole, which most likely will undergo subtle adaptations from time to time.
So let the girl have her toy and the boy to enjoy!
Toys are normally understood as internal and external massagers, some vibrate, some don’t, some are made of silicon other of high grade stainless steel, the idea for this article is however not to limit your choice to just these toys, as each boy has its own likes, just like the girls.
Girls will surely enjoy a good toy, when handled well and you should enjoy what comes with it: her pleasure. On the other hand we can learn to play with many other aspects of our intimacy: it can be lingerie with high heels and stockings (still one of my favorites), handcuffs and whips so glamorized by 50 Shades of Grey, taking pictures of your partner like a photoshoot or it could be costumes that make you relive your own special desire.
Take your pick, what makes you tick? – Rappler.com
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This article was first published on Magdalene, an online slanted guide to women and issues.
Sahardjo is an occasional writer, a full time lover, a free spirited individual and critical thinker. He has lived in Asia, Europe and the Middle East over the past years mostly working with international companies, yet his true passion is centered around pleasure, its acknowledgement as a source of wellbeing and debunking the negative stigma associated to it that goes back to the original sin. As he puts it: Time to move on, isn’t it?
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