Working mothers: Enough with the guilt trip!

As far as I can remember, both of my parents have always worked. They worked because they needed to express themselves, aside from making a living for our family. They did not come from middle-class families, having been born into families that were living just above the poverty level.

Their parents had low levels of education – one mother was a single parent – and education wasn’t a top priority. My grandparents’ highest level of education was a one-year diploma program.

But those things never deterred my parents from advancing themselves and climbing the corporate ladder in Indonesia’s state-owned energy company Pertamina. They worked really hard and moved from their hometown in East Kalimantan to the headquarters in Jakarta. Above all, they are good parents.

Naturally, I grew up with the perception that it is common for parents, specifically mothers, to work outside the home.

My mom, indeed, was not always available during school events. When I was in third grade, I flew by myself from Balikpapan in East Kalimantan to Jakarta because my parents had already moved there. I was used to taking care of school by myself. This may seem extreme, but during the May 1998 riots, when I was in my second year of junior high school, I was at home by myself while my parents were struggling to find their way home safely.

I’m now a working mom with two children. Sadly, in 8 years of marriage and with the rapid growth of social media, I have often witnessed how mothers – whether they be stay-at-home or working moms – are guilt-tripped for their choices. From viral messages on Blackberry, to Facebook statuses, tweets, blog posts and memes on Path, all judge these women’s decisions.

Worse still, women judge other women, including themselves! We are ashamed because we work outside the house, or because we just stay at home. We are condemned for violating religious principles by working. We are vilified because we “leave” our children with the nanny at home. The list is endless.

Where are the discussions about fathers in this? Barely any. How does this lack of discussion about their role in parenting make them feel? I have no idea.

Clearly, the messages are unfair to working mothers. At least to those I’m familiar with: The women who help take care of my children at home; who teach them at school; who treat them when they sick; who dedicate their lives to give speech therapy for the likes of my son who were born with cleft lip and palate; the breastfeeding councilors; those who publish independent media to give information to mothers; my grandmother and my sister who are both single parents; the one who gave birth to me; myself; my friends; and all of us.

Today, I decided to stop being quiet. I’m tired of seeing messages like the following that are spread by my girl friends. I’m sick of seeing the hashtag #jleb (similar to “oh snap”). I’m saddened by the statuses of mothers who feel guilty about leaving their kids at home, and how the entire responsibility of raising children, quietly and unconsciously, is placed solely on moms.



I felt I should write this because I don’t want my friends (who are mostly new moms) – and all of us women – to continue feeling guilty. There have been times when I felt unhappy and incredibly guilty because I worked outside the home. As a result, I didn’t do well at work. I felt helpless, and worse, I potentially harmed my marriage and my family.

I just want to say that, at least from my own experience, we should strive to become happy mothers. Maybe it’s as classic as being honest with ourselves. Does our job suit us? Do we really want to to work in the office? Is there an alternative to it all? The hardworking mothers that I know don’t deserve to feel guilty about the choices they make. Every mother has the right to happiness for the sake of her family.

It is better if a child knows that his or her mother works because she finds meaning in what she does. That parent works because of love. We work because we need to be a better person, not necessarily just for the money. Because we know that the job we choose will empower us, our families, and even the country.

Let’s stop saying: “Poor kids, being left home with people who have low levels of education”. Or at least stop saying it on social media. First, everyone can now access the Internet. Think about how this condescending remark would make the person feel if they read it. Second, education level is not the only factor that makes people valuable. We have come a long way because of our parents’ hard work, regardless of their educational background.

So your kids are being looked after by a maid and/or a nanny at home while you’re at work. Let’s empower our helpers. Treat them like we would like to be treated by our employers. Create an equal working partnership with them at home. Not only would they help raise your kids well, their kids will benefit from it too and may have better futures than them.

What about religious principles? To each his/her own. From what I believe, God is most compassionate, merciful, wise and forgiving.

I know for a fact that my parents are happy parents because they work. And we, their three children, never felt abandoned. Nor did we grow up to become unhappy people, because we know that our parents worked with their hearts, integrity and respect. They made us understand what they were doing, and the good it was doing for society.

Let’s be happy and empowered, and let’s stop making others feel helpless.  Make something meaningful and quit being mean to other women, and to ourselves as well.

The original article in Indonesian was published in mommiesdaily.com

About Gina S. Noer 
Gina S. Noer is a mother/BFF of two children, and a screenwriter/entrepreneur. Her only “battle” is with herself – about what to do with her childhood comic collection.

This article was originally published on Magdalene.co, a Jakarta-based online publication that offers a fresh perspective beyond the typical gender and cultural confines.