[Two Pronged] No Penetration

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

 

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am 26 years old. I have this relationship for 5 months now. Briefly, my lover who is 35 years old is very attractive and has a magnetic personality. He is a great kisser and I literally melt in his arms when he hugs me. Almost every week we engage in sex. I experience extreme sexual pleasure and usually have multiple orgasms but there is NO PENETRATION! Is this normal?

We both enjoy oral sex and each episode would regularly last between 2.5 to 3 hours. I long for penetration but he just laughs it off! I also ask him why he wouldn’t give me a penetration. He just says ok, we’ll do it in due time. We practice safe sex.

Any suggestions?

Maria

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Dear Maria,

Thank you for your letter which immediately raises an interesting point: despite the extreme pleasure that you say you experience, you only have sex with your lover (let’s call him Will) less than once a week. It is hard to believe that, in this day and age, anything mutually pleasurable for two adults should occur so seldom. Is this because yours is a long-distance relationship, or you are both married but to other people, or some other unknown factor? Nevertheless it sounds odd, and I can’t help wondering if the reason for your partner’s odd behavior has something to do with this.

Your question: “is no penetration normal? “ is entirely reasonable given the circumstances you share with us.

Allow me to answer your question with a question of my own: Is Will taking your concern as seriously as he should, given your relationship? Apparently not, since he is treating it as a joke and won’t give a straight answer to a straight question.

What does this signify? Does he have some hangup about penetration, or is he ultra-careful regarding possible pregnancy?

We do not have much information to go on but we could also hypothesize about a power play at work here. Power is a very significant factor in sexual relationships. It can be a playful optional extra or a serious, even essential, component of the dynamics between the couple.

In this case, perhaps Will is withholding penetration to heighten his sense of power over you. Perhaps it turns him (and you?) on to have you beg him for penetration. Domination and submission are frequently to be found in many sexual games – which is fine provided both have signed up for the same game, which is apparently not your case.

So what to do? If you don’t already know the answer, the only way to find out is to talk it through with him and demand that he takes this seriously.

Should he still withhold an explanation, there is however a broader issue than just penetration. Any healthy relationship requires a balance between the two parties, with each taking into account the desires and concerns of the other. To the extent that Will refuses to take your concern over penetration seriously, he is failing to take you seriously and jeopardizing the relationship.

You have the opportunity now to use non-penetration not only to clarify the narrow issue of his reluctance but also the broader one of how to improve your overall relationship. It is up to you whether you seize the moment.

All the best – Jeremy

Dear Maria:

Thanks so much for your letter. I feel Jeremy has more than adequately hypothesized how your problem of no-penetration – at first seemingly isolated – could fit into a larger framework of something else going on in your relationship. Should you – or any of our readers – disagree, we look forward to hearing from you in the comments section below.

Unless we get further information from you, we can only analyze so far, as Jeremy has done. Thus, I will put my sexologist (as opposed to clinical psychologist) hat on and talk about how this could be a sexual game your partner wants you to play. And here are where my inputs might come in handy:

1. You both sound sophisticated and light-hearted enough to take sex as a recreational activity. That is, you do not feel sex is ok if and only if the message “I-will-love-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life” is there, preferably expressed verbally (it might be nice the first, even second time, but mind numbingly boring if each and every time).

2. Thus, you are more open to sexual games. Or, perhaps I should qualify that. You are more open to admitting you are open to sexual games. As you probably know, the most pikon players are those who insist they are beyond such things. Usually that just means the games they play are more devious and cunning.

3. When games become less clear, they may (but then again need not) become the first step to paraphilias.

4. This is merely a hypothesis, mind you, based on the little you have told us. I feel that, if he continues to deflect your answer, with his “Ok, we’ll do it in due time,” you have many choices between, perhaps, these two extremes:

• Insist on a discussion because you don’t enjoy this one-upmanship where you give it your all, and he withholds. And we’re not only talking about sex here, more about how you state your feelings and ask why you can’t have penetration and he answers with a sweet but unclear “in due time.”
• You enjoy what you have, right here and right now. You accept that his turn-on is your not knowing when he will finally give you what you want – penetration. As Jeremy says, hearing someone beg to have you inside her can be super turnie-onnie. And while many women might say this as part of their sexual repertoire, the fact that you literally want it so badly is as different as chalk and cheese. 

And if you don’t mind his needing to be one up (pero in a very minor way lang naman) in this game, then, why not? Who needs an outsider’s definition of normal when your partner is a great kisser, knows how to make you melt in his arms, and provides a safe-enough environment so you can have multiple orgasms?

Para bang, kung gusto nyang hindi mo alam saan siya nanggagaling, pagbigyan mo na. (If all he needs is to think you don’t know where he’s coming from, cut him some slack.) It seems a small price to pay for all your bodily pleasures.

N.B. Physical pleasures. That is all we’re talking about here, ok? Should you start feeling emotionally unsatisfied, please write us again.

All the best – Margie

– Rappler.com

 

(Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email desk@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.)

 

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