[Two Pronged] She wants me to abstain from lust?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I need help with my girlfriend. We are on our 5th year now in our relationship. We had sex after our first year together, but just recently she refuse to make love to me. 

She cited that her conscience got to her, that we are engaging in sin by doing pre-marital sex. I respect her decision and her body.

But the thing is she, sort of, wants me to abstain from all lustful feelings. But she does not understand that all kinds of affection (paglalambing) is sensual to me. She does not want me to be cold, but every time I become sweet to her she just cuts me off. 

Even when texting (sexting), or even just plain paglalambing in text like kisses and hugs, she always tell me that I’m “malibog” na naman and yes it is true! Every time that I’m sweet to her I am true to that; and every time I kiss her, even in text, I’m honest about how I feel for her. But every time I do that I always feel lust for her.

Is there something wrong feeling that way about her? I cannot separate being “malambing” and feeling horny. If it there’s nothing wrong with me how can I make her understand that? It’s taking a toll to our relationship. I want to understand her, but I do have feelings too. 

I know that I hurt her by being cold sometimes, but I just don’t know how to approach her anymore. When I try to be sweet to her and start feeling horny, she gets mad, so I just try to avoid being sweet to her.

But then she’ll get mad at me by saying that “nagtampo na naman ako dahil sa kalibugan ko.” I love her and lust for her, and sometimes I cannot separate the two feelings.

P.S. we are in our mid 20s and we are both professionals. 

Luis 

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Dear Luis,

Thank you for your email. 

It is of course a truism that sex and religion can often be awkward bedfellows – though it naturally depends on the particular religion. While some can be remarkably laid-back when it comes to sex, expressing little, if any, interest in what consenting adults do in private, there is no such luck for those of us who live in a country where the majority are conservative Catholics, at least nominally, and where the Catholic hierarchy is obsessed precisely with what we all get up to in the bedroom.

Pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, contraception, sex education – they seem to want to control it all, to tell us when, where and with whom, regardless of whether we are Catholics, Muslims, Jews etc. or even non-believers. 

Personally, I think all this fervor stems from the simple fact that these clerics are desperately trying to stem the tide since all around us we see overwhelming evidence that the faithful are increasingly disregarding all these edicts. Contraception? Polls show that a resounding majority of Filipinos support it.

No divorce? Ok, let’s have second, third, fourth families – often, quite openly. And if the faithful ignore their prelates on these matters, what will they next question?

The Vatican may rail against cafeteria Catholicism  – where the laity pick and choose, like in a self-service restaurant, which bits of doctrine they will follow – but the evidence increasingly suggests that particularly in sexual matters lay people have no problem ignoring diktats emanating from distant Rome. 

Not everyone however is in the vanguard of dissent and it is easy to understand why your girlfriend (let’s call her Jill) has succumbed to the guilt she feels about premarital sex. And you are to be congratulated on respecting her decision, even if you do not feel the same way yourself.

Indeed, Jill should be congratulating you, too. Not everybody would be as apparently sanguine as you when told that the delights of the bedroom, having been enjoyed for a couple of years, are to be held in abeyance and what was hitherto normal service would only be resumed upon marriage.

Instead, she seems to have decided that you should not only abstain from physical sex but also control your body to the extent that you no longer feel sexual desire. Has she forgotten that even the saints felt desire and indeed indulged in it? St Augustine is after all supposed to have said: “Lord, grant me chastity and continence, but not yet.”

Jill must be somewhat ill-versed in the realities of both physiology and psychology if she believes that when it comes to sexual attraction a man can control his initial responses (erections etc.) with the human equivalent of a light switch. 

For sure, he can control how he acts once desire blooms but the human mind and body are not like a motor car – you can’t exchange an automatic for a manual version. And what of her desires? It is of course possible that she has managed to sublimate her own sexual desires by way of her religious beliefs but, as you are silent on the matter, this is pure speculation. 

Anyway, sublimation would be a difficult route for you to take unless you either shared Jill’s religious convictions or enjoyed some equally effective stimulus. 

What to do? This column regularly extols the virtues of communication and your case is no exception. Discuss all of this with her and see if you cannot reach an agreement on how to conduct your relationship physically, emotionally and mentally.

If despite your efforts she continues to disapprove of even your lustful feelings, you will need to think hard about whether Jill’s intransigence on this issue is a desirable characteristic in a potential life partner.

One alternative solution does however present itself – get married and all this premarital guilt is immediately consigned to the past. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

  

Dear Luis:

Thank you very much for your letter. I must admit na medyo nabitin ako sa sagot ni Mr Baer (I must admit that I felt Mr Baer’s answer lacked a final sentence).  I was expecting him to add to his last statement – “get married and all this premarital guilt is immediately consigned to the past”—something like “But frankly I wouldn’t recommend it” or even “but is that really the best solution?” 

But then I remembered that Mr Baer, sensitive to, appreciative of and smart enough to emulate all he can about our Pinoy culture ☺, is still a Brit.  He prefers succinct subtlety (subtle succinctness?) to emphasize the obvious.

Being-ahem-a well trained wife, I generally like his style, but wish to add, for the avoidance of doubt, that his last statement was not meant to be taken seriously – despite St Paul’s advice that “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:9  

At any rate, you are correct that it is natural for a man in his twenties to find it difficult to separate “being malambing (affectionate) and feeling horny.”

However, I feel you are being unrealistic and much too hard on yourself when you feel the problem lies in your inability to convince her that, while you respect her decision and her body (which means you will never try to make love to her again before marriage) you cannot help the lustful thoughts that come to your mind. Neither do you have to apologize for them. It is difficult not to have lustful thoughts when close to the woman you desire, especially if you are now forbidden to carry this lust into fruition.

In fact, this realization is so basic (that, within certain limits,  deprivation leads to even more desire) that many women use this ploy to get their partners to do agree to things – including marriage.

Whether this is ploy is conscious or not on Jill’s part, I think her (professed) expectation [that no sex (understandable) must be accompanied by no wanting to have sex] is ludicrous, especially when you have already had sex in the past.  Is someone who insists you behave this ludicrously worth being married to?

Right now, such frustration is tolerable: You can convince yourself that it is only Jill’s religion (and not also her self-absorption) that makes her arrogant enough to think simply by decreeing she will no longer have sex with you, you will not only accept her decision (which you have done) but also embrace all her thoughts and desires as your own. Natch: you have the hots for her.  

However, a woman this self-absorbed will not change once she gets married.  What is frightening is having a wife like this forever. Because it will not stop at sex. The decrees will continue and expand. 

Today, lust/premarital sex is the (professed only) target.

Tomorrow it will be love (indeed, perhaps even who you can like or not like!), joie’de vivre, in-laws, money, etc.

Thus, in my personal (as opposed to professional) opinion, leaving Jill is the best option. If Jill truly believes that she can dictate how you feel she is naïve beyond belief, a control freak who knows nothing about the parameters of control, rather stupid, a bleeding hypocrite and/or something/s equally negative. 

Two Pronged has had many columns that eschew false dichotomies and rightly so (see here and here). However, in this case I feel it is warranted.

You have summarized your dilemma excellently when you say: “When I try to be sweet to her and start feeling horny she gets mad, so I just try to avoid being sweet to her. But then she’ll get mad at me by saying that “nagtampo na naman ako dahil sa kalibugan ko.“

In other words, it’s “damned if you do, or damned if you don’t.” 

In an analogy, your girlfriend is the mother in the following anecdote:

A mother gives her son two shirts. On Mother’s Day, he wears one of them. She asks: “What’s wrong with the other one?” 

You cannot choose your mother, but you sure as hell can choose your wife-to-be.  Good luck and please forgive me for more initial confusion rather than immediate clarification of Jill’s untenable demands. However, sometimes more confusion and thinking things through is the only road to true discernment and that, I hope, is what happens in this case. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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