[Two Pronged] Erectile dysfunction, infidelity, and other marital problems

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have two kids. The eldest is 4 and the youngest is 4 months old.

Just last December, my husband and I had another major fight. He had lied about going into a badminton club Christmas party. We agreed in May 2015 that he was not to go to that court ever because I caught him having flirty chats with one of the women players there. Also, we were trying to work out regaining the trust that was broken in our marriage because of an affair he had with another married woman back in January 2013.

His affair with that woman only lasted for 2 weeks because the girl was only on vacation in Philippines and had to return to Miami where she and her family are based. He was claiming that there was no sex that happened between them and that they were only intimate physically like kissing, petting and touching the breasts and vagina part of the girl. He said that it happened about 3 or 4 times before the girl left for US.

He said that the reasons for his infidelity were 1) because of me comparing him with my successful ex-boyfriend of 5 years and 2) whenever we fight, I usually kick him out of the house which I bought when I was still single. I admit that I did those things prior to his affair but ever since we agreed to fix our marriage, I changed those things he was complaining about.

I thought we were making some good progress with fixing our marriage after I caught his affair in January 2013. But then another challenge came into our way in second half of 2014. He has been suffering from erectile dysfunction (ED) and sad to say that it has been the case ever since. We are still having sex once in a while but because of his ED, it has been so rare and very predictable. As a woman, I felt like I had very low self-esteem after the discovery of his affair and now having to face and accept his ED.

He used to smoke lots of cigarettes back in high school and just stopped before we got married in 2008. We are now both 35 years old. He stopped because he really wanted to stop back then but he went back to smoking again in November 2015. I caught him lying about it, which made me so upset because he had to come up with more lies. He said the reason he was lying was because he did not want me to be upset. I have been traumatized with his lies because I associate it with his betrayal of our marriage vows during the time when he had an affair.

I know I still love him and I don’t want to end our marriage and ruin our family but I don’t know if I can still forgive him the next time I catch him lying again about small things. Please help us. 

Respectfully, 

Lonely wife

—————

Dear Lonely Wife (LF),

Thank you for your email.

So your husband (let’s call him Bill) blames you for his infidelities because he resents comparison with your ex and because you kick him out of your house when he transgresses.

On top of that, he has also embarked on a series of petty deceptions which he blames on you indirectly too. In addition, he now suffers from ED, never a great stimulus to self-confidence, and as a result you are experiencing low self esteem, given his betrayal and his condition.

Well, any resentment he may feel about comparisons with your ex probably predate your marriage and if the burden were truly so great perhaps he should have thought about it a little, if not more than a little, before tying the knot.

As for being kicked out of your house, does he expect the laws of cause and effect to be suspended just for him? Anyway, none of this justifies infidelity and Bill’s defense, borrowed no doubt from his namesake Bill Clinton, that no penetration took place is truly pathetic. Having said that, you seem to have goaded Bill with your ex’s successes which itself is scarcely a helpful contribution for a successful relationship.

The problem of ED is of course of a different order. While it may be connected to his smoking, it would be advisable to consult a doctor to see if there are physiological issues that modern medicine can resolve, or at least alleviate. Of course there may alternatively, or in addition, be psychological issues which may or may not include Bill’s problems with your ex and the house. 

Whatever the diagnosis, it is worth remembering that sexual pleasure is not contingent only upon erections. Men and women are blessed with multiple erogenous zones, multiple ways of stimulating them and multiple search engines to find out more about them. 

So what to do? On the one hand you say you love Bill yet you proffer not a single reason to support this claim. On the other, you say you do not want to end your marriage yet you give a host of reasons why doing so could make perfect sense.

Perhaps you need to step back and decide what you require for your marriage to Bill to work and whether it is reasonably achievable.

If fidelity is a red button issue for you (and the media is full of examples of people for whom it is not), Bill will have an uphill task convincing you that you have a future together. If it’s just the lies that you have to deal with, a proper, perhaps extensive, discussion with Bill may be all that is needed to put this into perspective. Much will of course depend on how Bill sees the future. 

Finally, you appear to equate separation from Bill with ruining your family. A two-parent family may be the ideal but two parents at war are far from ideal. Families can be better off if parents separate, particularly if there is abuse, or drugs, or serial philandering.

Children growing up in seriously dysfunctional households are unlikely to escape into adulthood without bearing the scars of the wounds inflicted on them by their parents, directly or indirectly, during their childhood. Whether to separate is a momentous decision but a decision to stay can be no less so.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Lonely Wife (LF),

Thank you very much for your letter.  A cursory look at your hinanakits (feelings of betrayal) include:

• Jan 2013: (unconsummated) affair
• 2014: ED
• May 2015: flirty chats with woman player
• Nov 2015: back to smoking (which may have contributed greatly to his ED)

It sounds like your marriage needs professional help, LF.           

I say this because, while I see many reasons you should break up, as Mr Baer says, I see no real reason this marriage is worth fighting for. And yet it’s clear you feel it is, because you wrote to us. 

Let’s look at his 2013 affair. 

Two things bear closer examination: his claim there was no sex but only touching of “breasts and the vagina part” and the affair lasting only two weeks…

I don’t know if any or both of the above are supposed to make you feel better, but many would argue that it would make them feel worse. Usually, being bitin (deprived) makes one only more eager and less likely to forget. 

It is not only his 2013 affair, but each of the hinanakits you mention that need to be addressed, not in terms of facts, dates and numbers, but more in terms of what these things mean (or meant) and how they sit in each of your hearts. 

You categorize all his faults (including his going back to smoking), occasionally relate what he says in his defense, but there is obviously so much more that needs to be mined from these incidents. That is why you need therapy.

Right now neither of you seems to be listening to each other. I am not privy to his thoughts but I feel he would probably do as you have – attempt to prove he is the innocent party wrongly done by and yet still wanting to make the marriage work, despite the other’s being so uncooperative. 

This is perfectly understandable and not necessarily bad news. This is how each feels before going into therapy. I realize your husband may refuse to go, but even that is ok.  Not as good as your both going, but still good enough for your marriage to get better as long as both of you want it, too. 

An excellent article, “Couples therapy for one,” explains why troubled marriages can benefit even if just one spouse seeks help. This is because couples therapy teaches practical skills for improving the relationship and as long as you realize the goal isn’t to change your partner, but to gain insight into your role in the dysfunctional pattern, the marriage has more than a fighting chance to succeed. 

There is so, so much I wish I could say about this, but alas, the only time we have left is for me to wish you the very best.  Please write us again if you feel we can help you more 

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.