[Two Pronged] My secret history of sleeping around, cheating

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

When I first met Alma 4 years ago, she was still single but in a relationship. Though I had the hots for her back then, I didn’t pursue her. We lost touch after that and I heard through common friends she got married 2 years later after we first met. 

Then 4 years later, we got in touch again. She told me how after a year of marriage, she found out that her husband has been cheating on her constantly. She moved out of their place in their second year of marriage and filed for annulment. They have no kids or properties so the annulment proceedings are not complicated. Her lawyer expects to have a result next year.

During the start of the second year of my relationship with my girlfriend Jill, I got in touch again with Alma. We met and carried on a secret affair. I eventually left Jill for her. But still, our relationship was kept secret to my family because my parents were against her because of her current status.

I want to get your opinion on how should we proceed with our relationship. I have a (secret) history of cheating and sleeping around. I’ve had fubus (f–ck buddies) but I never really took them seriously. But with Alma it was different. I fell in love with her. It wasn’t just great sex; we clicked. We think alike and would literally finish each other’s sentences.

I feel that she’s my soulmate. We are open with each other and we don’t keep any secrets. She knew my secret past. And the thing is, she turned me into a loyal person. I would never want to be with anyone again. 

I really want to introduce her to the world, especially my parents. We have already fought and broke up because of this but now that we are back again, I want to assure her that she would be accepted by my family. Right now, our relationship is still secret (even from common friends because they thought we already broke up for good).

Can you please tell me what to do? How do I convince my parents to accept her and to accept my decision on who to be with? She means the world to me. I feel that if we don’t end up together, I would just go back to my old habits.

Please help me. 

Thank you.

Philip

 

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Dear Philip, 

Thank you for your email.

Your presenting problem is that Alma’s status – presumably the fact that she is married – prevents your parents and others from accepting your relationship with her. However, you say that her annulment is uncomplicated and is apparently only months away (which of course does not mean that it has been either quick or inexpensive) so presumably salvation is to hand and soon she will be a single woman again.

And thus this legal sleight of hand, by which the married become unmarried and those inconvenient words “until death us do part” become unspoken, will remove the impediment that your parents and friends have raised to your relationship with Alma.

If in a relatively short time Alma’s status will no longer be the obstacle that it has been, you already have the solution to your ‘problem’ at hand so perhaps there is something else going on here that you could also address, like your relationship with your parents and friends. 

In your account you state “our relationship was kept secret to my family because my parents were against her because of her current status.” I wonder a) why your parents are so upset if the wondrous healing powers of annulment are soon going to transform Alma from another man’s wife into a single and eligible woman once more and b) why you should be so worried about your parents’ views that you think you have to keep the love of your life hidden under wraps. 

In the case of your parents, perhaps they are some sort of religious fanatics or worried what the neighbors will say. Whatever the reason, you may not have told us but you know what it is and have decided that it must be respected, hence keeping Alma under wraps. However, you are no longer a child but an adult, and the time when your parents directed your life should be long past. 

You will have spent the best part of several decades on the long journey from infancy and total dependence on your parents, through adolescence and the start of the process of developing an identity and independence of your own, to full adulthood and an entirely separate life from your family of origin, according to the psychosocial theory of development propounded by Erik Erikson, latterly Professor of Human Development at Harvard University. 

Now this theory was developed in the US and takes no account of cultural differences between the West and elsewhere. Here, for example, unmarried adult children often continue to live with their parents, married children may also live at home or next door, etc.

Nevertheless, despite the differences, our ultimate developmental goals as adult human beings are to form our own identity (aided and informed inter alia by our family, education, social context) and our own morality based on self-chosen principles, individual rights and justice. 

So, Philip, either I am completely wrong in thinking that annulment will not solve your problem or you may have to think a little about the balance between your relationship with your parents and friends on the one hand and your love for Alma on the other. Please write again if you want to address any other issues. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Philip:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree wholeheartedly with Mr Baer’s observation that: “You are no longer a child but an adult, and the time when your parents directed your life should be long past”…Our ultimate developmental goals as adult human beings are to form our own identity (aided and informed inter alia by our family, education, social context) and our own morality based on self-chosen principles, individual rights and justice.

I have a feeling you not only know the above, but also fully subscribe to it intellectually. Thus, perhaps the best thing to do at the moment is to figure out the reasons it is so difficult for you to walk the talk.

Evolutionary psychologists have said time and again that to be socially ostracized in eons past meant death because, as C. Nathan Dewall said in his 2011 article called “Social Acceptance and Rejection: The Sweet and the Bitter”  

“belonging to a group was probably helpful to our ancestors. We have weak claws, little fur, and long childhoods; living in a group helped early humans survive harsh environments. Because of that, being part of a group still helps people feel safe and protected, even when walls and clothing have made it easier for one man to be an island entire of himself.”

Dr. Dewall follows up with this advice: “When you are rejected … the best way to deal with it is to seek out other sources of friendship or acceptance. because our bodies respond to rejection like they do to physical pain; the pain should be taken seriously, and it’s fine to seek out support.”

However, while finding replacements for friends may not be that difficult, you cannot easily find replacements for your parents, thus, your hart-rending question: “How do I convince my parents to accept her and to accept my decision on who to be with?” 

You have no real control over your parents’ acceptance of your relationship, and you cannot easily find replacements for your parents, thus, your heart rending question: “How do I convince my parents to accept her and to accept my decision on who to be with?”

Heart-rending because you have no real control over your parents’ acceptance of your relationship, and if your parents insist that Alma is not good enough for you, you will have to choose between your need for your parents’ approval and your love for Alma. 

Please write to us again if you wish as I have a few observations which might make this decision-making process a bit easier. Till then, however, good luck. 

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.