[Two Pronged] Sex Addict Part 2

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in and subsequently gave workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.

Dear Frankie:

Thanks very much for giving me permission to edit our correspondence even if my Filipino-to-English translation skills are not the best. Thank you for trusting that, despite sharing our correspondence with readers of Two-Pronged, you need not worry about getting busted. Even the pen name you used has got its own pen name now, Frankie.

READ: [Two Pronged] The sex addict

Finally, thank you for allowing me to introduce the idea that, no matter how much or how good the advice, concern, clarification, safety, reassurance one can get from correspondence like ours (or a column like Two Pronged), it is still not therapy – great news for therapists and columnists. 

There is so, so much to say about the issues you brought up that this will be only the second of three parts, okay? Anything that may still need further clarification (for example: Does sex addiction really exist?) I will deal with in #AskMargie, okay?

So without further ado, let’s pick up from where we left off last week.

MGH: In my clinical experience, going to a psychiatrist or psychologist for therapy first and then going to a support group afterwards is the much more effective way to go about it. I would even be able to give you several referrals.

MGH: Hi, Frankie. You’ve been silent lately. Am I to presume you are not interested in seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist but just want to be helped via a sex addicts support group?  Sayang naman, because in my clinical experience, seeing a therapist one-on-one BEFORE attending a support group is so, so much more effective.

FRANKIE: Doc, I’ve already been to a psychiatrist. He gave me some meds and some advice. I was okay for about 3 months but I went back to the way I was. That is why I am desperate to find a sex addict group which I hope will help me like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) helps alcoholics.  

Please help me, Doc. All my relationships are ruined and I am not able to work or function properly without seeking sex when I am bored or stressed or when I want to escape from problems.

MGH: All the sex addicts groups I know are closed groups. That is, they do NOT accept outsiders mid-stream. 

The few “Sex Addicts Anonymous” groups (SSAG) I am familiar with here in the Philippines are not egalitarian, like AA groups even in the Philippines are. They have known each other for quite a while, and trust each other. Adding a new person to the group, no matter how sincerely the person wants to get better, would change the dynamics of the group too much. (I already asked, Frankie).  

Besides, the  SSAGs I am familiar with here always include a group leader, who has studied, trained and been supervised to work in such groups.

One reason for having a group moderator when it comes to people who define themselves as “addicted to sex” is that the temptation to compare notes (like they do in AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.) can lead to more intimate encounters between the members.   

Having a  “sponsor” like they do in AA and in other self-help groups is all very well and fine, but can you imagine how explosive a meeting between two sex addicts might be — especially if the sponsor has to “rescue” his sponsored from a party at 2:00 a.m., and said sponsored is dressed to attract, grateful and usually eager to show gratitude, and wants to talk about how horny s/he is to the sponsor. And what if the sponsor innocently puts his arm around the sponsored, initially merely to console and reassure, but noticing that this innocent gesture has sparked desire? 

Chuck Palahniuk wrote several other novels in addition to “Fight Club,” “Choke,” etc. In one of them, the major character attends SAA meetings for the sole reason of dating their members. Funny in theory, but explosive and detrimental in reality.

But I digress.

Frankie, you do know that therapy takes a while to be “successful,” don’t you? That just because you were tempted and even did go back to your usual behavior, it doesn’t mean that the therapy failed completely?

FRANKIE: Yes, Dra. But I don’t want to go back to therapy. What I want is a SSAG to attend. Please help me.

MGH:  Reassure me you aren’t really that Chuck Palahiunk character in disguise and I will. ϑ

Help me help you by answering the following questions, okay?

1. What medication were you taking?
2. What “advice” did your therapist give you?
3. Do you remember any of the questions he asked to know more about you and your difficulties?
4. Was the psychiatrist you told me about the only psychiatrist/professional you went to for treatment? Or did you try going to another professional either before or after?
5. Did you try contacting him again when things stopped working for you?
6. Finally, was he the one who diagnosed you as a “sex addict”? If not, who did?

I realize I am bombarding you with a lot of questions here, Frankie, so please just answer without any particular order in mind. Also, anything else you wish to tell me would be welcome and would most definitely help in your rehab. 

I hope you understand that the reason I am asking you these questions online rather than in person is because I am out of the country at the moment and this is the only way I can get to know you more deeply.

FRANKIE: It’s okay, Dra. Here are my answers:

He gave what he told me was an antipsychotic. He said this was to relax me and to lessen my urges. I notice that I get the urge when I am stressed or when I am bored. Then I look for all sorts of sexual experiences, even SOP (sex on phone).

The advice my psychiatrist gave me included finding something to occupy my mind: painting, drawing, or having conversations with people that did NOT involve sex.

He asked me what things led to my being bored.

He was okay in the beginning, but I didn’t go back to him mainly because of the high cost, Dra. (TO BE CONTINUED) – Rappler.com 

Sweating young man image from Shutterstock