[Two Pronged] Torn between holding on and letting go

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’ve been an avid reader of your section in Rappler and that has prompted me to write to you about my current situation.

I’m 28, somehow attractive and successful for my age, and am currently in a “complicated” relationship with a guy 7 years my senior. We’ve been together for a year now. This guy is very responsible, smart and loving, and people always looked at us as a “perfect” couple. Just so they thought.

My boyfriend, by the way, came from two failed relationships from where he has two kids: one from each ex-partner. 

He became my fiancé on our third month, which left me feeling weirded out. I thought it was too early for us to be talking about marriage so instead of rejecting the proposal, I said yes and gave ourselves a two-year “grace period”. I thought that was the best way to deal with the situation so we can allow ourselves to work on the relationship and also become more financially secure since he is the one sending his eldest to school. 

Everything was going well as planned until I found out on our 6th month that he got his ex pregnant. That ex that I am referring to is the mother of his younger child. The woman was already 4 months pregnant at that time. I was devastated because he said they were already estranged long before I came into the picture. 

What pained me more was that the woman was claiming to be his “wife” (they were never married) and that they never really broke up but just having some serious issues, or whatever she wants to call it, and worse, calls me a mistress. 

So I called the shots and decided to call it quits. He tried to explain though. He said that it was just an “accident’ and it happened during the time we had a fight with which he thought I was already breaking up with him and it happened dahil sa sobrang sama ng loob (because of his ill feelings). 

He admitted that he made a bad decision of “trying to work it out with her again for the sake of the child.” After all his efforts to win me back – call me stupid, but yes, I agreed to get back together. 

I agreed for two reasons: I still love him and I found out that I too, was 3 weeks pregnant.

A month after, he decided that we would move in together so he can better take care of me and his eldest child. But because of all the stress his supposed “ex” gave me (harassing me and lambasting me all over social media), I lost my baby on my third month.

I was alone in the hospital when I had the miscarriage because he spent that weekend over his “ex’s” for some reasons and I couldn’t even call him to tell him about what happened. I was too depressed that I had to stay in my old condo unit, crying all week long.

Now that his ex has given birth, he hasn’t been coming home so I decided to just leave our unit and have his daughter go home to her mother for the meantime. 

I’m torn between holding on and letting go. I know it’s gonna be difficult if I hold on and wait for him because of his obligation to the other woman, yet I’m having a hard time letting go because I still love the guy and napamahal na po sa akin yung daughter niya (I’ve grown attached to his daughter), whom I’ve even thought of sending to school this semester. 

She’s already in college and I want her to finish school (the mom doesn’t have the capability to send her to school) and no other relatives will be there to support her. 

I’m lost, please enlighten me, Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer. I know I need to give him his space for now, but until when will I endure this kind of situation? I have my needs, too. And as far as I am concerned, I guess I have already fulfilled my duties as a partner and a second mom to his daughter. I’ll patiently wait for your response.

Thank you so much in advance. 

Little Miss Lost 

——————– 

Dear Little Miss Lost, 

Thank you for your message. It seems that your fiancé (let’s call him Jim) is a regular Jekyll and Hyde. Interestingly, you catalog his faults quite fully but notably fail to wax eloquent on his positive traits, leaving us with a very imbalanced view of him.  

On the one hand, he is responsible, smart and loving, according to you. On the other, he is going around impregnating every woman he meets, failing to support his daughter through college, leaving you, his fiancée, to have a miscarriage in hospital alone, and now living not with you, but with his ex and their new baby.

Having told us all this, you say that you love him, know that you should give him his space and are confused about your future together. 

To your question “until when will I endure this kind of situation?” my answer is unequivocally “not one day longer.” 

The Jim you describe is totally self-centered and his sole priority is his own well-being, not yours. He has left you to fend for yourself. You have indeed fulfilled your duties as a partner and so it is time to move on, leaving Jim to sort out his train wreck of a life for himself.  

All the best,

Jeremy

 

 

Dear LML (Little Miss Lost):

Thank you for your letter. I agree with Jeremy that the best thing to do is to leave this man. I have a feeling this is what everyone who knows about the situation has already told you, and you’ve always had the same answer. I quote: “I still love the guy and napamahal na po sa akin yung daughter nya.” 

In a sense, without you or anyone else knowing it, your friends and you are in a teleserye, where first, you tell them the latest terrible thing he’s done; second, they are outraged and insist this is further proof to leave him; and third, you answer them with the old refrain: “(but) I still love the guy.”

Who can argue when love is your answer?

After all, did the course of love ever run smoothly? 

After all, what sort of girl leaves the man she loves simply because he’s hurt her?   

Actually there are two answers to the question above: 

If he’s hurt the girl simply because hurt is inevitable when two people live so closely together, then perhaps this kind of girl is someone incapable of sharing in love’s true meaning.

If he’s hurt the girl because he is self-absorbed and incapable of caring for anyone else but himself, then perhaps she is the sort of girl who has finally seen the light. If he’s hurt the girl and will probably never stop hurting her because he won’t change (no matter his claims to the contrary) then perhaps she is the sort of girl who is finally willing to be a woman who can be responsible for her own life and happiness, regardless of who is and isn’t in her life.

Part of that responsibility includes a decision based more on what is healthiest primarily for you, rather than on how convincingly he lies (because he will, you know) about why he didn’t come in your greatest hour of need. 

It also includes your finding a way to help his eldest finish school should you decide you want to do that. Finally, it includes staying the course and living without him no matter how lonely it initially feels knowing you no longer count on him as a companion. 

Believe me, no matter how lonely that is, it is nothing compared to relying on him to be there, only to realize he isn’t. 

But then, you know that already, don’t you, dearest LML? The trick is to not be bitter, and yet be able to remind yourself of this whenever you are tempted to relent.

It won’t be easy, but it is definitely doable for a woman like you. Good luck and all the best,

Margie  

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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