[Two Pronged] Jealous boyfriend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I am 20 years old, and I just got together with my first girlfriend. I am writing this because I have problems with overthinking, that I think it is hurting our relationship. I’m quite sure that even before I got together with my girlfriend, I already think too much, but I will focus on the current situation.

This girlfriend of mine a few weeks ago posted a photo in a social networking site with a caption directed to another person, she said in the caption that “if you are seeing this, I would like to tell you that I was too shy to approach you” (not the actual words). Seeing this sparked my curiosity so I asked her what it was about, at first she said that it was nothing. 

Eventually after asking her a few more times, she responded with a question asking me what a crush meant for me. With that, I had an idea where it was going. She then confessed that she had a crush on someone. A discussion followed afterwards with her assuring me that it was only a simple crush (an attraction, she said, which would eventually fade), and that her feelings towards me will not change. I later found out who the person was. I had an initial guess and when she told me, I was correct. I also found out that her reason for her having a crush toward the person was his choice of music. 

We had a clearer discussion and everything went well with me accepting that it was nothing after all and that her feelings towards me will not change. However, things for me started to get weird. I kept thinking that what if in the long run, she would start to fall in love with the guy and leave me. I even started to feel weird towards the guy (he is someone I know). 

Whenever I visit social networking sites and I see both of them liking each other’s posts, I get a weird feeling, like jealousy. I keep thinking, what if this guy also has a crush on her? What if her liking of his posts shows a hidden motive? Sometimes I even think that she is stalking his profile. All these things, I keep thinking about but I know there is no basis.

I’ve had discussions with her about it and she would reassure me that it is only a simple crush, nothing more, nothing less and that she still belongs to me. After such discussions I would eventually feel better. However, after sometime I would then again create crazy ideas in my mind about the two of them. I am beginning to somewhat hate myself because of this overthinking. I think it is damaging our relationship. I have this fear of losing her to someone else. I want to stop overthinking, I am trying but I am finding it difficult.

Am I being paranoid? Please help.

Andre

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Dear Andre,

Thank you for your email.

Welcome to the complex world of sexual relationships. This is your first girlfriend (let’s call her Amy) and so you are now encountering a whole new set of feelings and emotions. You may have read about how to manage a relationship but now you are actually living the reality, with all the complications that intense feelings bring to the already difficult business of interpreting other people’s words and actions.

You do not specify what sort of relationship you currently have with Amy – non-exclusive, exclusive etc. – but it is clear from your email that you want exclusivity and Amy is at the very least interpreting exclusivity differently from you. You have discussed this with her and she has told you that there is nothing to worry about, but ultimately her continued connection with this guy through social media is still disturbing you, to the extent that it is adversely affecting your relationship with Amy. 

It is time for another discussion. You and Amy need to address the reality that relationships mean different things to different people and that you have to reconcile your distinct versions. It is clear that if Amy continues to indulge her crushes, even if she restricts herself to social media communication, your relationship is going to suffer. If she is not willing to change her behavior even after being made aware of this, that will tell you something about the limitations on your relationship that she is prepared to tolerate. If conversely you are not prepared to live with her ‘harmless’ crushes, that tells her something too. 

So there you have it. The current situation cannot last but fortunately you both can still talk it through. Whether after this exchange you and Amy still have a relationship worth pursuing is another matter. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Andre: 

Thank you very much for your letter. You have tried to convince yourself that you are merely being paranoid, but can’t help being bothered by your situation. If I may quote Jeff Bridges’ character from the movie Fisher King, “Just because you’re a paranoid schizophrenic doesn’t mean someone isn’t trying to kill you.” 

Admittedly, I don’t know all that much about FB and maybe its signals are different from real life in real time. 

However, unless he were a rock star that had kazillion groupies throwing their panties at him, I think if any man got a message like “if you are seeing this, I would like to tell you that I was too shy to approach you” (even if it were not the exact words), it would not be far fetched of him to think she wants him to come on to her.

I may be a fuddy duddy, unfamiliar with the intricacies of Facebook, so let me ask you, if someone tagged you a message like this on a social networking site, wouldn’t you consider it at least a (semi) come on?  Not necessarily to have sex, and not even to have an exclusive relationship (at least not yet), but certainly to take it further and see where it goes?

Helen Fisher Ph.D., considered one of the foremost authorities of modern love, says of jealousy: “So what can you do if jealousy is making you miserable? First, figure out whether he’s actually cheating. If he is, you have a different problem: what to do about your relationship.” 

In this particular case, I agree with Dr. Fisher 100%.

But I agree with Hara Marano more when she says: “Jealousy has long been deemed the guardian of love. But more often it’s love’s downfall. We typically blame our partner for paying attention to another, but the real issue may be what jealousy teaches us about ourselves.”  

But what it says about yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t know what other experiences you’ve been through, but it seems that you have been conditioned to accept that you “overthink” things. What exactly does that mean?

In my clinical experience, other people accuse you of “overthinking” or “over analyzing” or even “having too much time to navel-gaze” because they have no other answer when you interpret their actions correctly.

As Jeremy says, “It is time for another discussion.”  In that discussion I suggest you also adopt a more direct way of telling her how you feel.  Cite specific situations; for example,  “Whenever I visit social networking sites and I see both of you liking each other’s posts, and I get a weird feeling, somewhat that of jealousy.”

Maybe you can tell her that, while you are trying to control your suspicions, she can help by not provoking it. Maybe you can even suggest something specific she can do, something more proactive than merely reassuring you that you have nothing to worry about. 

Given her current behavior, it is reasonable for you to be jealous and worried.  If she is not willing to compromise, it is better to break up.  It will hurt you, I know, but not as much as your having to convince yourself you’re imagining things when in reality you aren’t.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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