[Two Pronged] We have different dreams

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We also have a beautiful 3-year-old daughter. I am writing this because I don’t know who to turn to in this kind of circumstance. I don’t know what will be the best thing to do about my husband and it is already affecting our relationship as well as what I feel towards him.

We recently moved out of my parent’s house because I want him to strive more for us. I want us more to be independent. It took some time before I convinced him to move out. It was a struggle. 

While I was pregnant, I was also the one working for different home-based stints online. What he does almost all the time was to play online games and practice church songs for the next service. I have no problem with all the online games and church commitments however, it seemed that it rarely crossed his mind that he has a family to feed and to build.

We fought and talked about it and he decided to work in the metro. I appreciated all the efforts he made but then he came back to his old self again. He slightly made an effort to find and land a job but it was not enough for us, especially to the fact that we were living under my parent’s roof during that time. Then same thing happen again, we fought, he cried and we talked then we both decided to look for a decent job. Luckily, we both landed jobs in a BPO setting.

He quit about 6 or 7 months after getting hired in that BPO company. He said that he did not like the management and all their BS, that is why he decided to apply for another job, also in BOO. Unfortunately, things did not turn out well in that company and it even came to a point that I tried to convince him to file a lawsuit due to unresolved salary disputes and illegal LOA. He refused to take my advice because he no longer wants to deal with them. Ever.

So history repeats itself. This time our daughter was already around. I landed a very good job opportunity online. He tried applying for several jobs, but I don’t know what exactly is happening, or why he does not receive any calls or notifications or follow-ups from those companies. I don’t know if the problem is with me, that his efforts are not yet enough.

I am the one who always gets saddled with the bills, rent, food and milk as well as the welfare of the child. I talked to him about it and he said that if he is also going to be rattled about it, it will be a war. I said that is not the point. The point is I just don’t see enough effort from his end striving for us to survive. I feel he is too relaxed and too focused on online games and the church. I felt that we are in totally opposite positions. 

Funny thing is, he even said I don’t do some of the household errands. How can he expect me to do all these chores if I am taking care of the kid and at the same time working my butt off during the wee hours of night? We fought and he ended up crying and apologizing if for me his efforts are not enough. It has been a cycle all these years. 

A friend once told me to seek marriage counseling or worse, totally ditch him for good for being a self-pitying, complacent person. It hurts me when I hear feedback from people that my husband is “tamad” (lazy) and “walang pangarap” (no ambition) or “bukod tangi lang mabait” (exceptionally nice).

I feel that he does not have the eagerness or dreams for us to have our own house. It seems that he is just contented the way things are. I asked him if he wants to have a house or strive for a better life and he just said plain yes and stayed quiet. It’s been like that.

I’ve come to a point where I no longer want to talk to him, and just ignore him. I also have come to a point that I no longer want to do things the way I did before like being affectionate. I no longer want to serve him dinner, prepare his clothes or even do his laundry. I am becoming complacent about our relationship as husband and wife, and all I am thinking right now is the welfare of my daughter.

I need your help. Please. 

Miserable wife

——————— 

Dear Miserable Wife (MW), 

Thank you for your email.

While you appear happy to go into detail about the state of your marriage, there are at least 3 vital pieces of information that you have withheld: how your husband behaved before you were married, what sort of father he is and the extent of his commitments to his church.

As I am sure you appreciate, if his behavior has been consistent and you chose to marry a man who devotes his time to video games and his church, you can scarcely complain if he carries on in the same fashion after you exchanged your vows. You knew what you were getting, you willingly chose it and he has every right to be upset with you for trying to change him. If on the other hand his behavior altered radically upon marriage, then you have every right to be upset with him.

Your account suggests, if only by omission, that he is as deficient in his responsibilities as a father as he is as a provider. If so, you are free to take the course of action that it best for you and your daughter without taking him into consideration at all. If however this is not the case, then you have to consider how your future actions will impact on your daughter and her relationship with her father.

Turning to his attachment to his church, it is possible of course that he is a devout believer, pillar of the community and a revered official in some capacity. It seems more likely however that his ‘commitments’ extend no further than singing and the ecclesiastical equivalent of a little light dusting and sweeping. If he is truly devout, then perhaps he can be persuaded by his fellow believers that he has a duty to provide for his family and to play an active part bringing up his daughter. 

Of course, in the final analysis, as you are the sole breadwinner, the mistress of the house and the primary caregiver for your daughter, if you are simply fed up with him and do not believe he will ever change, then just kick him out.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear MW:

Thank you very much for your letter. 

Your husband and you have different dreams, and thus different goals. Achieving your goals is the fastest way to make your dreams a reality, whereas achieving his goals is the fastest way to his. 

Your goal is for both of you to work as hard as possible so that sooner rather than later you have enough not only for today, but also savings put aside to buy a house, maybe afford to send your daughter to a private school, etc. etc.

Not having the benefit of your husband’s position, I can only guess that, based on clinical experience, your husband’s dream has little to do with material goods. He seems to feel that what you have is enough all three of you.  It was enough when you were living in your parents’ house and depending on them and it is enough now that you have left your parents’ house, because all your efforts are enough to cover any expenses you might have.

You are angry because in your eyes this means he does not care about your family. But that is only because you are using your goals alone as your definition of caring.

In truth, he may care about your family as much as – or even more than – you do, but what he cares for is not more material gains. 

He is merely being consistent with his dreams, which is that he is blessed to have a hardworking wife so he can do what he can do what he wants (and possibly what His Lord wishes). 

In addition, your styles are completely different. You judge him as not caring about his family, fume inside until you cannot stand it any longer, then erupt.”

He tries to mollify you by doing what you want, but it is so contrary to his goals and his nature that he gives up fairly soon after that.  You again judge him as non-caring until he too gets frustrated…except unlike you, he cries instead of getting angry.

You cannot change his dreams any more than he can change yours.  The best thing you can do as a couple is to accommodate each other’s dreams. Neither is better than the other; each is just different from the other – which makes sense, because you are both different people. 

If you can accept that, then there is every hope that your marriage will be better.  However, if you cannot, then perhaps it is best you end this marriage in as kind and as decent a way that you can. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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