SUMMARY
This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.
One rainy evening, several men were having a warm discussion in a coffee shop in South Jakarta. They were sharing their personal experience on raising children, discussing the merit of being a father versus being a parent.
It was a learning forum on modern masculinity, conducted by the non-profit Yayasan Pulih with Aliansi Laki-laki Baru (New Men’s Alliance). The participants, mostly men and young couples, discussed the topic “The Roles of Father in Child Rearing”.
It started with a question, “How do you describe an ideal father?”
Some participants said that a good father should be the provider of the family. He should be reliable, sensible, and willing to play a role in child rearing. A few admitted that sometimes they had difficulties when it comes to child rearing, because they were not given enough prior knowledge in doing so. Aside from being seen as only a provider and protector in the family, mothers frequently doubt the capability of their husbands to take care of the children.
Each family has its own idea of an ideal father, but one of the most important qualities is probably being sensible to the needs of his children and partner. A father is expected to help the children’s development process, both their emotion and cognitive functions.
“However, I think if we talk about the ‘ideal’ we will never meet the middle ground. It’s easy to come up with thoughts and theories, but I’d rather settle on the ‘standard father’ – the minimum requirements and qualities that we should have, so that we’re good enough to be called ‘father’,” said one of the participants.
The participants agreed that the one thing they would have to sacrifice once they decided to have children with their partner is “time”. They should be ready with the consequences, including considering a job that does not require too much time outside the house.
“I’m trying my best to be a good father,” shared Yogi, a father of one. “I don’t want to end up like one of my friends who’s too busy with work that one day when he came home, his children called him ‘uncle’ instead of ‘dad’.”
“Actually, although fathers may have a busy schedule, they can divide the parenting roles with their partner, so it’s still not impossible to build a relationship with their kids. Fathers’ contribution could be seen from two perspectives; quantity or quality. The old paradigm probably focuses more on quantity, but in this modern era, I think quality is more important. It means that it doesn’t matter how short the time they spend together, it could be sufficient as long as the child and the father are having a good quality time,” another participant added.
In some cases, there are fathers who spend a lot of time with their children but end up being violent. Emotional bonding, or the lack thereof influence the quality of relationship between a father and his children. There is one absolute reason of what makes a violent father, but what matters is how fathers perceive their children. Even without abuse, fathers who don’t treat their children as important would likely abandon them. Those who cannot control their emotion may resort to violence to deal with problems.
The moderator, Supriyanto, summed it up that when it comes to the definition of an ideal father figure we cannot escape from the social and cultural constructs. Roles, understanding, behavior, and expectations are all determined by society.
Based on the social construct that is deeply rooted in us, men are perceived as leaders and providers who don’t need to contribute to the domestic matter. This is the reason many men tend to ignore their families and are distant towards their children.
But throughout history, our perception of the role of father in the family has changed. Many working mothers now are providers of their families. The modern fathers are expected to be engaged more actively in the domestic domain. If traditional fathers’ main aim is merely to get married and reproduce, modern fathers are expected to give stimuli and support to optimize their children’s growth and development.
Impact of fatherhood
Having children has a life-changing impact on fathers. The participants of the forum said that having children had made them more empathetic towards others and helps them practicing self-control.
“I feel like I’ve been ungrateful towards my parents. Raising children is actually a really tough job,” said one of them.
“I realize that I should be more thoughtful while handling children. I learn a lot about self-control. I mean, how could I debate a two year-old kid? When there is a problem, I will try to see it from my children’s point of view. I should be the role model for them, and it could be as simple as not saying bad words while driving in the most frustrating traffic in the capital city, when I have my kids on the back seats. Children can easily imitate anything that you say and do,” another participant said.
The forum also discussed whether the participants prepared themselves before having children, and the answers were varied.
“I don’t have any preparation. I learned automatically throughout the process,” said one.
Another said he prepared himself by having frequent discussions with his partner and with those who have more experience about the best way to raise children. He also reads books on parenting.
The forum also decided that men with higher education are not necessarily better at childrearing than those who are less educated. Nurturing skill and expression of affection are what’s important in raising children.
At the end of the day, an ideal father is a mere illusion, Supriyanto pointed out.
A “standard” father is probably more realistic. Fathers should be aware of their limitations and capabilities so that they can come up with concrete implementations when it comes to raising children. Equal role division in domestic work and child rearing is needed to help the intellectual and emotional growth of the child.
Child rearing is not only beneficial to children but also to the parents. A deep involvement can strengthen the bond of the family and give positive impacts to the marriage. With such positive energy in their domestic lives, parents can perform better at work, and this may lead to better welfare for the family. —Rappler.com
Ayunda has the attention span of a goldfish. She believes in the nature of cosmos and thinks that a little spark of madness is necessary. Her life has been about exploring new paths and seeking novelties. Red is her color. Here’s where to find her: @ayundanurvi.
This article was originally published on Magdalene.co, a Jakarta-based online publication that offers a fresh perspective beyond the typical gender and cultural confines.
READ MORE:
Add a comment
How does this make you feel?
There are no comments yet. Add your comment to start the conversation.