[Two Pronged] Threesomes, fantasies, and love

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am a Filipina living overseas and my boyfriend is French.  I consider myself to be very modern however more and more I am bothered by my boyfriend’s kinky requests.  Recently, he has been trying to convince me to go to Pigalle (the red light district here in Paris) where he’d like to hire a black man.  He is requesting that I perform oral sex on this black man while he (my boyfriend) watches. Once my boyfriend reaches the point where he is about to climax, I am to stop whatever I’m doing and then have my boyfriend consummate the act with me. 

I found the idea very repulsive and I told him I would never do it. He said if I really loved him, I would accede to his request, even just once, and that he would never ask again.

We’ve been in a relationship for more than four years and I still love him.  But more and more I am discovering a side of him I never knew before. I’m really in torment because this request of his has affected my attitude and probably even my feelings towards him.  I don’t know if the relationship is still worth keeping.

My apologies for being very graphic about this, but I don’t know who else to ask. 

Sincerely,
Modern Filipina

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Dear Modern Filipina,

Thank you for your email.

In two recent columns, we discussed the different sorts of love and fantasies, issues raised in your email.

Modern liberal attitudes to sex basically permit almost anything between consenting adults, consenting being the key word. Now, not even every liberal subscribes to this laissez-faire approach but it seems reasonable to suppose that your French boyfriend (let’s call him Henri) does and you probably do too as you describe yourself as “modern.”

His idea to hire a black man is however a step too far if you find it “very repulsive” and consent is clearly the last thing on your mind. It is highly significant therefore that Henri is trying to use emotional blackmail on you to persuade you, manifestly against your will, to let him act out a fantasy of his that you absolutely do not share.

This should tell you something about the nature of your relationship. Henri seems to be failing the intimacy test in a big way, since he is scarcely nurturing mutual closeness, connectedness, and bondedness by trying to  force you against your will to act out his fantasy. You suggest that there is more to come as Henri’s darker side is revealed. 

Do an inventory of your four years together and ask yourself whether the love you feel for Henri is, or ever could be, a love that he is capable of feeling for you. If despite his darker side you think you are compatible, fine. Otherwise, it’s time to move on as there are “beaucoup de poissons dans la mer (plenty of fish in the sea).”

All the best,
JAF Baer

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Dear MF (Modern Filipina):

Thank you very much for your letter.  I take quite a different view of what Henri is asking of you. True, it took you by surprise, even shocked you. True, he came across as manipulative and not above using emotional blackmail with the tired old line that men use when they want their girlfriends to do something they don’t want to: “If you really loved me, you would do it.”

Of course, the comeback there could be, “And if you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to.” However, that is not what we are talking about now.

One way of looking at Henri is considering him a guy who took a chance and showed you a little bit more of himself than he ordinarily would – either to you or to anyone else. It took him four years of being your partner before he had the courage to share one of his fantasies with you.

This is probably not the first sexual fantasy he shared with you, and I hope you have also been sharing some of your fantasies with him. However, perhaps this particular fantasy – of watching you fellate another man, a man you don’t know and who must be a particular race/color – is a step too far.

It’s clear that his asking you to live out this particular fantasy is distasteful to you, but I have a favor to ask.  

No, no, not to accede to his request, but something perhaps more difficult than that. Could you stop a minute and try and figure out what grosses you out so much about this particular fantasy?  When I ask this of a client, the immediate response is “all of it.”

However, if she is willing to get beyond this knee-jerk reaction, she might be surprised getting to know a little bit more about herself, and not just about her boyfriend. Indeed, his new fantasy has told her quite a lot. But at the moment, the only message she may be getting is that he wants her to do something sexual for him.

However, dearest MF, Henri has told you more than that. He has also told you that, finally, after four years, he trusts you enough to open himself up at a deeper, more intimate level. If this were just about a fantasy he wanted to live out, he would not have waited four years before he told you about it.

But no,  this was more than that. This was about laying down the gauntlet and saying, “How about it, are you willing to stick by me, despite all my kinkiness?”

This doesn’t mean you have to do what he asks. All it means is that you do not stick to your first reaction – be it recoiling in horror, laughing your head off,  or deciding you want nothing more to do with him.

If you can listen before judging him, perhaps even ask questions, if you can honor his sharing this confidence with you, perhaps even being thankful that he trusted you so much, if (big step here) you can perhaps apologize for being judgmental and then tell him why you don’t want to do this, then this could well take your relationship to an entirely new level. This is more about choice, trust, respect-qualities your relationship can never have too much of, whether you agree to his fantasy or not. 

All the best,
MG Holmes 

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.