[Two Pronged] Orgasm on demand

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in and subsequently gave workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.

 

Hello!

I actually know Jeremy, from an earlier life in ship finance, but since this is going through the Rappler newsdesk email, the name at the foot of this email is not mine.

I wonder if I can seek your help? 

I’m a 60-year-old foreigner, twice married and divorced, once to an American, once to a Filipina. Two children aged 12 and 20. 3 years ago, I met a Filipina, then in her middle 20s, who works (behind the camera) in the movie business – she has a little boy, now 5, from an earlier relationship. Despite the ghastly age gap we are pathetically in love with each other – our children get on, her parents are delightful, I’m neither well off nor actually crumbly yet and no, she isn’t looking for a father figure – we are just very similar characters.

Here’s the little problem: Initially she gave an impression of being both expert and enthusiastic in the bedroom, but in fact she is neither – she’s led quite a sheltered life, with a grand total of two boyfriends before me, and she says she has not enjoyed sex since giving birth, 5 years ago. 

I never had any complaints in the bedroom department before, and this is all a bit new to me. Yes, there is a size issue, but it’s mainly that she sees sex as a duty and she cannot easily relax and enjoy herself. She’s never masturbated, never had an orgasm, etc.

What to do?

Edward

—————-

Dear Edward,

I very much regret that I do not consider myself able to shed any useful light on your girlfriend’s problem with inorgasmia. My 36 years in banking failed to educate me in female psychosexuality, just as your background has probably left you equally ill-equipped (mentally only!), and my present training has yet to compensate for this sufficiently. Fortunately, however, my co-writer can more than make up for my shortcomings in this respect and I shall therefore leave it to her to reply to your letter. All the best – Jeremy

*****

Dear Edward,

Thank you very much for your letter which ends with the question: “What to do?” thus giving me a chance to share the mantra, “A good therapist doesn’t tell a client what to do.” Instead, a good therapist helps create a safe enough environment so the client can ask himself that very question, brave enough to explore the factors within and without, which may have led to the situation at hand.

Since this is not a therapeutic situation, thus I can be a lot more directive. However, given what you ask of us, I think the best answers Jeremy and I can provide are still questions which may help you look at your love and lust lives a bit differently.

Question 1: Your better half (let’s call her Chei), as per your account, has not enjoyed herself, and has not enjoyed sex since giving birth. 

If I were to look at this simply as a problem to be solved, then I’d suggest you explore the following question asap: What was present (or absent) before her giving birth that enabled her to enjoy sex then and is there any way to get that back (or banish it) once more?  

Question 2: Is being able to relax easily and enjoy herself limited to sex or does it include other activities?  From your letter, it sounds like sex is the only problem, but it would be best to know for sure. 

Question 3: How the bloody hell can I be doing what I will now strongly admonish you not to do?!!? 

Let me explain: Above are two questions which, if answered, may help you both find a way to a more fulfilling sex life. However, that can also happen without answering these questions, at least not verbally. 

Sex is not a matter of merely stroking the right erogenous zone, moaning within exactly the right decibel range, staying awake the minimum number of minutes after ejaculating or, indeed, even answering questions correctly. 

Sex is more about communicating with one’s partner and with oneself. And, as we all know, communication doesn’t need to involve words.

Who was it that quipped: “If God made something better than sex, he sure kept it to himself”?  And while sex “in the zone” can be the most wondrous, most mind-blowing experience one has had, it is not necessary in order to have lived “a life well lived,” wonderfully meaningful and richly textured. 

In other words, we have to be careful, dearest Edward, not to impose our sense of joy and wonder on other people, even if – especially if – it is on the woman we love, for the loftiest of goals. What floats your boat may not necessarily floats hers.

It is clear that you love her and would do anything so that she, too, could enjoy sex with you as much as you do with her.

But, depending on the culture she grew up in and the people she grew up with, sex may have an entirely different meaning for her and, yes, may mean nothing more at the moment than duty rather than joy.  

I am not saying that you have to be satisfied with the status quo and, if her eyes well up with tears whenever you approach her, that is the way the ball bounces and the cookie crumbles – especially if the ball bounces on the cookie.

All I am saying is that sometimes, in an effort to help her see that sex with you should never be a duty to her but should, instead, be something to look forward to, you may actually be making sex more onerous for her rather than less. 

If I were Chei, I would pick up on your wanting me to enjoy sex, have an orgasm, be free enough to masturbate, etc., as I am fairly sure she has. And because she loves you, she will probably really try to enjoy sex, have an orgasm, and not consider sex a duty, if only to please you. 

Can you see how much more demanding sex could then become for her, Edward?  And no amount of reassuring her that “It’s ok, just enjoy yourself, I only want this for you, Darling” will get her relaxed enough to truly enjoy sex if she feels that she “has” to enjoy sex for you to truly enjoy it yourself.

Geez, talk about pressure.

Not to mention oxymorons. The very essence of orgasms is being able to forget yourself, be unselfconscious, completely. Pretty difficult if you feel you must have an orgasm.   

Right here and right now, I feel what Chei will benefit most from is the knowledge that you truly feel that you have all the time in the world, for loving, getting to know each other even more deeply, and having rip-roaring, world-changing, orgasms. If it happens tomorrow, terrific!! And if it doesn’t, well, wasn’t it Robert Browning who said: “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, Or what’s a heaven for?”

There is nothing Jeremy and I would enjoy more than to share the latest research and experiments on female orgasm and I hope that you – or better yet, Chei – will write us a letter soon asking us to do that. All the best – Margie

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.