[Two Pronged] Is it infidelity?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Hi Doc Margie and Mr Baer,

I’ve been aching to write you this letter. First, I was your student in UP and I admired you ever since. Second, I’m not sure if my “issue” needs attention or just some obvious logical explanation that I am blind to because of the fact that I’m crazy in love with this guy.

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 6 months. I’m monogamous. I’ve been very faithful from the beginning of our relationship and not once did I commit or even try cheating on him.

But he’s different.

He insisted that it is not cheating unless you have sex with that other person.

I always thought otherwise. The fact that you opened yourself to this flirtatious behavior online with someone or in his case several people that you’re not in a relationship with already makes you unfaithful.

He cheats on me. Several times already. But he insists that he’s not. That the excitement that he gets while talking, or only God knows what else he’s doing with these people, is not cheating.

I can’t leave him. I love him too much and the pain of separation is greater than the agony I’m in right now knowing that he’s doing it with other guys.

Worse, he kissed them. Dated them. Brought them to our condo unit. Without me knowing (I just found out when someone texted him while he’s sleeping, which eventually brought him to a bit of conscience and admitted everything).

He promised that he’ll never have sex with them because that’s exclusive to me alone. Because I’m the one he loves. That he is afraid of STDs.

But what he’s doing to me is mental and emotional torture. It’s like cheating without sex. Like doing things to other people that normally should only be done by people in a relationship.

He’s a good provider and never fails to attend to my needs. We have a very healthy and happy relationship in front of his family and other people but they don’t know what I’m going through.

What should I do? Should I accept the fact that he’s just a natural flirt and will never change for me? Should I just do the same to lessen the pain and at least we’re at equal footing?

I’m tortured. I’m pained. Please help.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Pat

——————–

Dear Pat,

Thank you for your email.

It always seems to me that this insistence on definitions, whether of sex (remember Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sexual relations with that woman?”) or infidelity, completely misses the point. Unless those involved all agree on the same definition, it is just a way to justify behavior that others seek to criticize. What has to be addressed is the fallout from the difference in views – which in your case, is significant.

To summarize, you are in love, monogamous and faithful. Your partner (let’s call him Marco) thinks he is equally so, but by your standards he is not. He measures fidelity solely by whether he has sex with someone; you draw the line even at virtual flirting. The result is pain and anguish for you, playing the field for him.

You say that you have confronted Marco and explained to him how his behavior upsets you, to which he responds in effect that since he stops short of sex, it’s just something you will have to accept.

This is frankly not the response of someone who in your words “never fails to attend to my needs” unless of course you are referring solely to material needs. A loving relationship requires both partners to pay heed to each other, be honest about oneself and one’s needs and find an equitable balance where there is divergence. Marco appears unwilling to consider this.

It is a truism of family therapy that the only person you can change is yourself. You therefore have several choices: since Marco will not change just because you ask him to, you can decide that the advantages of the relationship outweigh the disadvantages and learn to live with his behavior; you can alternatively decide that the pain outweighs the advantages and leave him for good; you can prepare yourself to leave him if he does not change his ways and give him an ultimatum.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Pat:

Thank you very much for your letter and for having good feelings about our semester together. I agree with practically everything Mr Baer says, except for his statement: “To summarize, you are in love, monogamous and faithful. Your partner (let’s call him Marco) thinks he is equally so.”

I think it is disingenuous of Marco to insist he’s not cheating, as long as he stops short of sex. This is reminiscent of what we used to call “technical virginity.” One could say she was still a virgin since no penetration occurred (at least of penis in vagina). Oral sex, anal sex, etc were still ok.

In the good old days, virginity was important only for women. One hopes that in these good new days, virginity simply for virginity’s sake is unimportant for all.

But let’s go back to Marco. If Marco truly believed he wasn’t cheating, he would truly have nothing to feel guilty about. And yet, when he realized you had found out that he brought someone (and perhaps some two, 3, or 4) to your condo unit, he developed a “bit of conscience and admitted everything.”

Of course, Marco could say the only reason he kept things from you was that he didn’t want to hurt you more. But that would mean he is patronizing you, because, despite his show of complete honesty, he still kept something from you since he didn’t think you could take it.

Marco does not come across as merely a natural flirt to me. He seems more a tease (if he truly stops short of sex).

I doubt if your doing the same as he would truly lessen the pain, Pat. You are not like Marco (thank God for that… though to be fair to Marco, perhaps many are also thankful Marco is not like you. 🙂 )

You are more like someone who has experienced what Neil Gaiman describes in The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 

And if you are, like many of us are, then in time I hope you find someone worthy of being loved in a Gaiman-ish kind of way, mainly because he feels he is – someone as Gaiman-ish as you.

I have a feeling that, once you can pick yourself up from this relationship you’re in with Marco, this will happen sooner than later. (And anyone can ask me why I feel this way in the comments section below.)

All the best,

Doc Margie

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.