[Two Pronged] Sex addict or playboy?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have a boyfriend who has had many sexual relationships to the point that I think it became an addiction. 

When he started pursuing me, I was a bit aware that he was the player type so I told him to stop seeing me. However, he was persistent and told me he changed for me. His words were true, his actions showed it, we were happy. He kept telling me that in all honesty, I’m the girl that he’s really happy to be with. 

However, months into the relationship, I saw his inbox and I found out that he was talking to other girls online. When I caught him, I saw that he started two weeks prior. Reading his conversations with these unassuming girls, I saw him as a sexual predator because all he wanted to talk about with these girls is sex. His style was to be sweet and charming at first and then slowly nudge the conversation into perverted topics. I broke up with him and told him my opinion.

A week later he cried to me and begged me to come back, and after days of thinking, I gave in. I gave in because I can see that he’s really sincere and that he really loves me. He told me that he thinks that he’s sick psychologically. Maybe it’s an addiction. He said that it was like an itch at the back of his head, nudging him to talk to these girls about sex. 

I suggested that we consult an expert, but we never really came around to it. This situation happened 3 more times. I usually check his inbox after the first time, but eventually he gives in to this “itch” and talk to many girls. I’d be devastated and angry, he’d be immensely apologetic and cry, and then we’ll be back together again. The times I caught him were all the same, he’d talk to girls about sex and that’s it. 

A year passed where everything was okay, he was not giving to his urges, he was completely transparent. I became complacent towards the end of the year 2015, I let my guard down. But then, I caught him last month. It turns out that at the start of the year 2016, when we were both at our respective provinces, he made a discreet account on Facebook. I realized that he gives in to his itch whenever we were not together for a long time.  

I found out that he was talking to different girls and discovered that there are online prostitutes and availing of their “walks.”  He’d had sex with 3 girls so far when I caught him. 

 I love him immensely and I just want to help him. He keeps on saying that he couldn’t control it, that he’s sick and needs help. He says that he really loves me, he’s sorry and that he’d do what it takes so that he won’t lose me. And he even gave me his ATM willingly even though I didn’t ask for it. He says that it will help him stop. 

But after the latest incident, I became anxious whenever I’m not with him. I couldn’t sleep at night and the worries are starting to show on my physique. I love him and I want to help him but it’s taking its toll on me. I want help for both of us but money is a problem. What should we do? How can he stop this itch?  How can I help him? 

Thank you for your time. 

Mara

——————-

Dear Mara, 

Thank you for your email. 

To summarize your story, against your initial better judgment you started a relationship with your “player” boyfriend (let’s call him Ado) after he managed to persuade you that he was a changed man. All was well until it wasn’t and since then it has been an endless cycle of catching him out, promises of reform and discoveries of recidivism. 

Having failed consistently and spectacularly at covering his tracks, Ado has now suggested that actually his behavior is not his fault at all but entirely due to an addiction to sex that he is ultimately powerless to resist. Despite this psychological insight into his own condition, Ado has done nothing to address his problem. 

Am I unduly cynical to think that Ado is effectively trying to relinquish all responsibility for his actions? And by taking no steps to address his ‘addiction’ he is trying to give himself carte blanche to continue offending?

(Note: we have dealt with sex addiction in previous columns (e.g. here) and as I wrote then “this has recently become the fashionable defense for countless actors, singers, and other high profile personalities… there is precious little convincing scientific evidence that sexual addiction actually exists.”)

The world is full of players and many of them are successful in this role precisely because they are charming, plausible and convincing con men. The world is also full of optimists who are either more than prepared to believe them or certain that this time true love will change them. 

In your case, Mara, it should by now be abundantly clear that Ado is unlikely to change and you are unlikely to change him. In addition, this relationship is taking its toll on you mentally and physically.

If the price of staying with Ado is that you have to police his every action every day, perhaps the time has come to say goodbye and move on. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Mara:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with everything Mr Baer says above and so have chosen to focus on why sexual addiction is such a lame excuse for his constant infidelity.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders seriesispublished by the American Psychiatric Association and is used by Filipino (and countless other) psychologists and psychiatrists when diagnosing people with mental health issues. Its latest version, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders Fifth Edition  (DSM-5) published in 2013 does not include sexual addiction as a mental disorder.

For the avoidance of doubt, I believe sexual addiction exists, but am just not convinced that this is your boyfriend’s problem.

The term sex addiction has been used time and again by celebrities (Michael Duchovny of X-Files and Californication fame, Michael Douglas, Russell Brand, etc) as an excuse for infidelity, but it is interesting that they claim they are “sex addicts” (and thus should be understood, rather than vilified) only when they are caught. 

One cannot help wondering if they would just go their merry way, enjoying their irresistibility and finding it a boon (rather than the bane of sexual addiction) if their wives/girlfriends never found out. 

Social psychologists call this a kind of  “fundamental attribution error.”  Attribution is the process of inferring the causes of behaviors (or events). One uses interpersonal attribution when the causes one attributes to behavior “coincidentally” put one in the best possible light.

The more conservative and “moral” among you might question why Ado’s saying he is a sex addict puts him in a good light. Isn’t it better, though, to be looked at as a “victim” of an addiction you can’t help rather than as a son of a bitch who willingly and willfully cheats incessantly on his girlfriend? 

And, if you continue accepting his excuses, isn’t it also better to be looked upon as an always forgiving, totally supportive girlfriend of a victim of an addiction rather than the betrayed girlfriend of a philanderer who refuses to take off her rose-tinted glasses because she enjoys living in a fool’s paradise?

Please forgive me if I have come out particularly strongly against the sex addiction defense. It is just that I have come across this excuse countless times in my clinical practice and in you I find a woman strong enough to get the unvarnished truth straight away. However, should you disagree, ok lang and if you still want to hear from us about this or some other issue, please feel free to write to us again, ok? 

All the very best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.