[Two Pronged] My husband and his erectile dysfunction

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I got married August of this year. I married him to get rid of a guy stalker who is spying on me. 

Unfortunately, my husband cannot penetrate me due to some erection problem and he is a non-performer.

But, days ago when I masturbated him with my hand, he was harder that time. He asked me if he could enter me but I said no and he did not insist. I said no because I don’t find it right for him to immediately enter me. I am a virgin and I believe that we have to do some foreplay first.

But, I feel shy to tell him. I regretted refusing him anyway.

I can’t wait for my husband get to where he could finally perform it without me doing anything to him, or by his own hotness. 

My questions are the following: 

1. Is it normal for a straight guy not to seek immediate help or medical attention once he finds out that he can no longer penetrate a woman in sex? 

2. Is it normal for a straight guy who is recently married not to be horny most of the time? He has been married for almost 3 months but he tried to do it for less than 10 times only? He is currently not working for he just recently exited his work abroad.  

3. Could he be gay? 

Looking forward for your answers.

Thank you.  

Rosa 

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Dear Rosa,

Thank you for your email.

Let’s start with why you got married: “to get rid of a guy stalker.” As reasons go, this seems to be in the bizarre category, along with other gems like “I needed someone to carry my shopping,” “he dressed well and knew how to dance,” and the like.

I hope that you actually knew him (let’s call him Bo) and merely omitted a catalog of his good points to save space rather than just stopped a total stranger and suggested you tie the knot. 

Anyway, you obviously did not know him very well if his erectile dysfunction (ED) then came as a surprise. Not that it is mandatory to have sex before marriage of course but it seems the sort of information that a modern couple might disclose to each other, though in fairness Bo may have been less than frank himself.

An important point is whether Bo’s ED is a general condition or only experienced with you. If it is general, it could be a physiological or psychological problem, or indeed a combination of the two. Whether he has a condition such as diabetes, whether he takes certain medications, these and other factors could all come into play and a prompt visit to a doctor can help set the record straight. 

If however, it is a condition particular to you, and Bo has not had similar problems before, it may well relate to the circumstances leading up to your marriage. Does Bo know that you married him mainly to escape your stalker? If so, he may well feel he didn’t exactly win your heart and more to the point you may not have exactly won his. Again, a psychologist will be able to unravel whatever complexities are hidden here.

As to your questions, some men are more willing to seek medical advice than others and few would immediately call up a doctor, preferring to wait and see if the problem is temporary or permanent. As for being horny, some men are more so, some are less and some are just not interested at all. There is no magic correlation between marriage and horniness. Finally, he may be gay and he may not. Based on what you have told us, we have absolutely no way of knowing. 

So the way forward is first to encourage Bo to make an appointment with a doctor and see what light can be shed on the problem.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Rosa: 

Thank you very much for your letter.  Since Mr Baer has more than adequately answered your 3 questions, allow me to first, expound on one he’s already dealt with, and second, to explore some sexual issues. 

The first is your stated reason for marrying: “to get rid of a guy stalker.” According to author and historian Stephanie Coontz (Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, 2006), it was only about 250 years ago when getting married for love and, possibly, for sex gained traction. Ms Coontz also feels that, when marriage moved into the emotional sphere, it suffered as an institution just as it began to thrive as a personal relationship.

In her article “Who’s Really More Romantic: Men or Women?,” Associate Professor Dr Gwendolyn Steidman cites evolutionary, social and economic reasons for most men being more romantic than most women. 

It is likely that this is the case in your marriage. However, even if it isn’t, it can be ego deflating for someone in this day and age to feel his spouse married him to be a bodyguard rather than a husband.

This leads us to exploring possible factors contributing to his erectile dysfunction. True, it is he who has the problem, but that doesn’t necessarily leave you scot-free. 

Goodness gracious, that makes me sound so judgmental, doesn’t it?  I don’t mean to be, but since we are writing to you, and not to him, it is best to focus on what you can do to improve the situation, rather than on what he can do, right?  And the possibility that you may be contributing to the continuation of the problem definitely needs exploring, even if he had difficulties maintaining his erection before he met you. 

As Mr Baer says, “ (ED) could be a physiological or psychological problem, or indeed a combination of the two,” and your reason for marrying him may be the first psychological reason contributing to your husband Bo’s erectile dysfunction. 

Another seems to be your constant monitoring of his sexual behavior. This is called spectatoring, a process “that involves a person focusing on him/herself ” from a third person perspective during sexual activity, rather than focusing on one’s … (own or one’s) sexual partner’s enjoyment.”  

Masters and Johnson coined this term, citing it as one of the major reasons for performance anxiety and, thus, erectile dysfunction.

Perhaps, we could even paraphrase “A watched pot never boils” to “an observed penis hardly erects.”

Or maybe we should qualify that. A penis observed with love and hopefully with certain eagerness (salivating included) can (and oftentimes does) erect to full bloom and full strength quickly, but a penis observed with a stopwatch and metronome in hand probably never will. 

It could be very off putting for Bo when you time, judge and/or count his sexual performance. You may think he doesn’t notice, but most men would. For example, “he is a non-performer.”

Another comment you made was “almost 3 months but he tried to do it for less than ten times only” definitely carries the judgment that he has tried (but not succeeded) far fewer times (than he should) and over such a long time too.

You also said “I can’t wait for my husband get to where he could finally perform it without me doing anything to him, or by his own hotness.” I shall discuss the reasons why in a future Clinical Notes column. 

Your belief when you “said no because I don’t find it right for him to immediately enter me…I believe that we have to do some foreplay first” is physiologically and, even more importantly, psychologically valid. 

However, even if you are shy to let him know your feelings, it would best if you did. Sharing your needs is a whole lot better than scolding or blaming. This may encourage him to also share what he truly feels about sex, and this open communication between you could be the start of an open and free sexual relationship with each other.

Good luck!

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.