[Two Pronged] My boyfriend has commitment issues

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. I am not sure if my boyfriend wants to get married. Whenever we talk about getting married, he always says we will get married and will grow old together. But then he does not give a specific date. This year, I got so mad for the second time because he failed to fulfill his promise again. He said that his mom was in critical condition and almost died. To cut my story short, we talked and settled the problem, and are planning to get married by end of August this year [2016] (which didn’t happen). I told him a simple ceremony would be fine.

I had no doubt that he was the one for me, then. I am 32, by the way, and he is 38. I am 100% certain that he has never been married because I have a document with me to prove it.

I was planning to leave him again but I am almost financially dependent on him because he asked me to purchase several investments under my name and he is the one paying for them. I am currently living a very comfortable life because of him. I have a good paying job, but I can’t afford this very comfortable life. I don’t know what to do. Whenever I see a wedding or a bride on TV, I get mad at myself. I feel mad at him also because if he really loves me, then he will give me what I deserve.

I have no one to talk to about this problem. The sense of pride is always kicking in and it has been burdening me for several years already. I’ve already met his family and he also met mine. I would say he has a normal family – his parents are not separated but his dad passed away when he was 20. His siblings have their own family lives and are financially independent from him.

I do not want to ask him a 3rd time. I feel very devastated and unwanted. Is 7 years too soon for him? Should I stay and wait or go? 

Adriana

—————-

Dear Adriana,

Thank you for your email. Let’s start with your first question: “Is 7 years too soon for him?” 

Your boyfriend (let’s call him Pete) was 31 when you started this relationship, has never been married, and is now 38. Although you have talked about marriage and he has said you will get married (albeit at some indeterminate time), it seems he has never truly committed to a date. His mother’s supposed brush with the Grim Reaper got him off the hook once; did a sibling provide the excuse last August?

So on the face of it, it seems Pete is a little reluctant to tie the knot. However, you say you settled the problem, agreed to get married in August 2016 and then “it didn’t happen.” Given that your major issue is marriage, or rather the lack thereof, it is a trifle bizarre that you omit all details of why the great event failed to take place last August.

Then there is the language that you use when writing about marriage. You say “you deserve” it (as though it were a job promotion) and “feel very devastated and unwanted.” If Pete is aware of these feelings, his commitment phobia is liable to increase exponentially since these sound like the feelings of a woman anxious to get signatures on legal documents, not those of a loving wife to be dreaming of children and growing old together.

Your comments on finance leave me perplexed. You say you are “almost financially dependent” on him because you purchased investments which he is paying for and which you presumably cannot afford to keep if you leave him. Leaving aside the surreal concept of “almost dependent,” if I had real estate, stocks, and other juicy assets in my name, I would think that Pete was the vulnerable one. After all, what is to stop you selling them and pocketing the cash? 

At the end of the day, if you have a good paying job, want a husband rather than a boyfriend, and don’t want to wait around for a marriage that is being forever postponed, move on. You are 32, not 22, and there is a life out there full of eligible men.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Adriana,

Thank you very much for your letter.  In my personal opinion, you should definitely leave him.

This has nothing to do with the number of years you have been waiting but all to do with the lack of passion you have for each other, as your letter suggests.

You say, “I had no doubt that he was the one for me, then.” Then. Does that mean you no longer feel that now?  

Oh, I do hope that is the case! Because what makes it so difficult to see clearly is romanticizing how this person you are currently involved with is your “soulmate” or the “one I’ve been waiting for my whole life.” It makes it quite difficult to leave your partner if you feel, despite how poorly you think he is treating you, that he is irreplaceable.

If you don’t feel that, then everything is just a matter of logistics. Listen to yourself, Adriana, and ask yourself if what you feel is undying love or preference for pragmatism (nothing wrong in that, as long as you do not mistake it for love).

“I was planning to leave him again but I am almost financially dependent to him… I am currently living a very comfortable life because of him.”

“I have a good paying job but I can’t afford this very comfortable life.”

“If he really loves me, then he will give me what I deserve.”

“The sense of pride” (NB: NOT “my love for him” but “a sense of pride”) – bully for you that it’s pride and not love. Pride can be dealt with more easily than rejection. I use the phrase “more easily” only in comparison, of course, to rejection. They are both damn difficult to confront.

“I do not want to ask him a 3rd time.” This, too, sounds more like pride than love to me. There is nothing wrong with a sense of pride and wanting to preserve your dignity and worth. In fact, it is healthy to try and do so.  And, in your case, very helpful.  

There is an old saying: “What you accept is what will continue.”

You have accepted what you have hated (waiting and waiting for the marriage to finally happen). Stop listening to your head (I deserve this! Hence, I should get it.).

Start living once more and listen to your heart. Listen to it say: “I don’t want to wait, so what the hell am I waiting for?”

And maybe, in time, you can hear yourself saying to your reluctant boyfriend:  “Goodbye, Pete. No, I am not devastated or even angry; just sad that what I thought was to be no longer is. But hey! That’s life and I wish you the very best, even if we are no longer together.”

All the very best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.