[Two Pronged] A married woman and her close male friend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am 35, married, with 2 kids. My 16-year relationship with my husband (4 years of dating, 12 years married) is way better than how it was when he regretted cheating on me 10 years ago. He made sure to make up for it and I feel more loved more than ever.

Before meeting him, I had a very close male friend whom I fell for in 3rd year high school. I am this male friend’s confidant. He trusted me with his secrets, his pains, his dreams… and even constantly updated me on his trysts with different girls. At some point, we spoke about dating each other. We flirted, we dated, we made out (no sex though)… but I thought our friendship was so special and becoming lovers would ruin it. But I love him, and I think he knows it. He never fails to make me feel special. He would show up at my doorstep whenever I needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, even after we haven’t seen each other and haven’t been in touch for so long. Surprisingly, he could feel whenever I needed someone, and would always be there to listen. I would dream about him when things aren’t good with him. It’s like we’re connected.  

We went on with our lives, he continued dating, I dated someone else, then another, before I dated my husband. We are still constantly in touch and my husband is still jealous of him to this day and doesn’t want to hear anything about him. Long story short, I got married, so did he. We have separate lives but still keep in touch to this day. We never had a sexual relationship but I am not sure why I still long for him, I still want him to be close to me. I feel guilty at times when I miss him, his company, our neverending talks about everything under the sun. 

He is no longer married, but with 2 kids. He still talks about our past, still flirts, although more subtly now.   

Was wondering what could be the reason why I still want him in my life. I could open up to him more than I could with my husband. He’s a good conversationalist, can be arrogant, not as attractive as my husband, but why am I still interested in him? I may not be as in love as I was with my husband before, but I could say I am happy with my married life. Why do I miss my closest male friend?

We always plan to see each other, but I would back out at the last minute because I am afraid of what will happen. I don’t want to be unfair to my husband but why is it that the feelings I have for this closest male friend still lingers even after not seeing him personally for almost 5 years now?

Please help me understand why. 

Thank you and more power.

Cora 

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Dear Cora, 

Thank you for your email.

Relationships such as this are very alluring. Because they are primarily mental rather than physical, they can be imbued by each party with whatever characteristics they choose. You, for example, suggest that there is a fundamental sexual attraction between your friend (let’s call him John) and yourself, yet it is one that you claim to have heroically and successfully resisted in order not to spoil the fundamentals of the relationship initially, and latterly to honor your marriage vows. 

Indeed, instead of developing, your relationship remains frozen at the same stage as two people exploring the beginnings of love, when they are on their best behavior, anxious to show themselves in the best possible light and still able to disguise some, if not all their more glaring faults. 

You take some pride in the fact that you and John have not taken things to the next level but I wonder if you have truly considered the consequences of the current state of affairs. You say “I don’t want to be unfair with my husband” and “my husband is still jealous of him to this day and doesn’t want to hear anything about him” yet you also say you love John and have deliberately persisted in this relationship with him for the entirety of your marriage.

I would suggest that while this does not constitute infidelity in the strict sense of the word, maintaining these ties with John must have resulted in an emotional distance between you and your husband. Just consider if the positions were reversed and your husband had maintained a similar friendship with a woman he had known since before you even met him. Just how comfortable would you be with that? 

As to your question about why you are still attracted to your friend, your story reveals all the reasons. John makes you feel special, is your confidant as much as you are his. He is a good conversationalist, always ready to lend you a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly, all this comes without the price tag of a real relationship: you don’t have to cook and wash for him, endure his bad moods, converse when you would rather read or watch TV – in other words, ‘enjoy’ all the other minutiae of daily life that are part and parcel of a real relationship. 

The fact that you have had this relationship for over two decades, even though you haven’t met face to face for nearly 5 years, is testimony to its strength and importance – to both of you. And with this in mind, why would you want to discard it now when it has served you so well for so long? While pondering that, it might also be worthwhile asking yourself what price your self-indulgence has exacted on your marriage.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Cora,

Thank you very much for your letter. You have written only to ask us the reasons you may feel so attracted to John and not the ways to deal with your relationship in a manner that does not affect your marriage negatively. I think this is a clear indication of where your priorities lie.

You prefer to use any information or opinion we share as yet another precious secret you can store away and look at when you feel a need to escape your marriage or get a thrill when you want one. Fair enough. 

But your behavior is fair only when you consider John and yourself (not necessarily as a couple, but individually) and not your husband (let’s call him Martin). 

It would be facile to suggest that the only reason you have continued with your relationship with John is as revenge for Martin’s past infidelity. And yet, my clinical experience strongly suggests this may well be part of the reason. Every time guilt rears its head, it is easy enough to silence it by reminding yourself that “At least I am not being unfaithful to Martin the way he was to me 10 years ago. I have chosen not to make love with John despite my love for him.” 

Except this choice not only does not serve your marriage one iota, it actually helps to erode it.   

No marriage benefits from infidelity. At least, not while it is ongoing. (We can discuss how infidelity might actually help a marriage, counter intuitive as this sounds, at a later date.)

While admittedly not physical to the point of penetration, your relationship with John is definitely infidelity. Emotional infidelity can be far more dangerous and have more of an impact than a mere sexual encounter with another man. Most women know this, which is why, when asking women what would hurt them more, an overwhelming majority say their husband’s emotional, rather than physical, relationship with another woman. 

I would include, at least in the emotional infidelity you are indulging in with John, that not having sex is a huge part of what is fuelling this romance. Not having sex is making you feel so good on so many levels: First, you can further the illusion that, because you are haven’t actually had sex, you are not as bad as your husband who did when he was unfaithful. Second, you can pat yourself on the back endlessly for this act of “should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve but actually didn’t.”

In fact, I would suggest you actually do have penetrative penis-in-vagina sex with him when/if you next meet. And for the avoidance of doubt, 3 times a night (or morning, or mid-afternoon) would be way better than once, where your situation is concerned. 

And please do so every time you meet. After fantasizing about it since 3rd year high school (yes, yes, even if you were unaware that this subtext was one reason it was so exciting) actually doing so will diminish the mystery, excitement, and magic of the “should I? Dare I?” possibility. All this to-ing and fro-ing, and fretting and back pedaling actually turbo charges passion to unbelievable heights.  

That is, in fact, the reason I suggest you have sex with him at least 3 times instead of once each time you meet. If you meet 3 times, that would make it a minimum of 9, something which I hope will help put your husband, if not on a level playing field, at least not so much far behind.

But back to your original question: “Why is it that the feelings I have for this closest male friend still lingers even after not seeing him personally for almost 5 years now?” I agree 100 percent with the reasons Mr Baer shared in his letter.   

I would add that, based on your description, John sounds like a “bad boy.” “[He] can be arrogant, not as attractive as my husband,” “He is no longer married, but with 2 kids,”[He] even constantly updated me on his trysts with different girls,” “We flirted, we dated, we made out.”

Research has shown that women like bad boys and prefer them to good boys, especially during (but not limited to) ovulation. Take a look at Dr Holtzman and Strube’s article in the Feb 2010 issue of Journal of Research in Personality (Vol 44, Issue 1) for further elucidation.  

Forgive me for coming across as a fuddy duddy, pouring cold water on this hot romance you have with John.  

On the one hand, it is an inexpensive, non-fattening distraction, which makes life more pleasant and certainly less boring. How can anybody (except, perhaps, a fuddy duddy) begrudge anyone of that? And yet, on the other hand, if you truly want to be as fair to your husband as you say, at least see it for what it is: While parts of it hint at a love so glorious it has managed to survive despite all the odds, it is also what Mr Baer describes as  a “relationship… frozen at the same stage as two people exploring the beginnings of love, when they are on their best behavior, anxious to show themselves in the best possible light and still able to disguise some if not all their more glaring faults.”

I think, as long as you put things in the above context when thinking of him and finally have penetrative sex if you should meet up, you should be okay… at least, as okay as you are at the moment. 

The former will keep your feet on the ground, the latter will make you realize how like your husband John is in the nakakainis (irritating) ways – not caring if you stay on the wet spot, falling asleep instead of spouting poetry 15 minutes after he ejaculates, etc, etc.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.