[Two Pronged] Reduced to quickies
Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:
I used to agree to quickies, but only because my husband told me it was the only way we could make love and make sure he is not late for work. We are newly married, and he has a new job, so he needs to make a good impression.
Eventually, he would even come home for lunch. Again, quickies because he didn’t want to be late going back to work. During his lunch breaks he would be in even more of a hurry so sometimes we would be forced to do it where I don't like: in the kitchen where I still haven't cleaned up vegetable peelings, etc. But I just agreed to keep the peace.
Then I discovered quickies were not the only options. We could do it when he didn't have to rush to work. For example, after he came back home from work or during weekends.
I suggested we do it during those times but he said that he was too tired after work and during weekends, he likes to play golf. He added that quickies are important in a marriage but when I asked him why, he had no answer. Is that true? Are quickies really important in a marriage?
I try to enjoy them, but sometimes I miss all he used to do before we were married. Also, I feel so kadiri (grossed out) about them. What am I supposed to do? What about his fluids that leak when he's done? When we're standing, it happens so quickly and I hate the feel of it running down my legs.
Also, this is against all I was taught in school, at church, and how my parents brought me up. Please help.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your email.
Your husband (let's call him Jim) appears to have a very odd approach to marriage. Once the knot was tied, he seems to have decided that your function was solely to give him pleasure and that your satisfaction was no longer any concern of his.
There is no doubt that most people, especially in the earlier years of marriage, can get a thrill from the occasional quickie but like most other things in life an endless diet of a single dish can prove unappetizing eventually.
What is worrying is that Jim seems totally closed to the idea of changing his ways. If he is too tired in the evenings and too engrossed in his golf at the weekends, then perhaps it is time for you to take a stand, presuming of course that this is a make or break issue for you. Naturally if you do demand that he mends his ways and resumes his premarital attention to your needs, rather than just his own, you must be prepared to act should he fail to change. If this is a step too far and marriage to Jim can survive his inept lovemaking, then try adopting a different position to avoid the fluids running down your legs!
Finally, my congratulations to your teachers, clergy, and parents. I never dreamt that they would be so open-minded as to have given you guidance on the role of quickies in modern marriages.
All the best,
Thank you very much for your letter. I am so happy that Mr Baer has responded to the major issues brought up in your letter, thus allowing me to focus on other points.
You ask if quickies are important. First, let's define what we mean by important, okay?
Are quickies vital in that, without them, one's sex life is doomed to boredom? No.
One can have a fun-filled, fierce, and fabulous sex life even if quickies are never a part of it.
Having said that, quickies can be important and be welcome in a marriage IFF (if and only if) this is what both partners want.
If only one partner wants it but the other partner doesn't, and yet the latter still does it because s/he loves her/him, that is okay too.
In fact, it is not only okay, but very okay because, in this case, the partner agrees to it because she knows it will make him happy. This is one of the best things about love, right? That you do things that please your partner even if you yourself might wish you were doing something else? Another example would be staying home with her/him, even if part of you prefers to play golf.
In other words, whatever you decide to do is done voluntarily and willingly. You do not feel forced to do it, guilt-tripped, emotionally blackmailed or, as in your case, given incomplete and thus wrong information, like "quickies are important in a marriage." You do it of your own volition, because you know it means a lot to your husband Jim.
This is what makes for a good relationship, isn't it? That we do things for no other reason than that it gives our partners joy? If we did things only because we had to (the way you thought you had to because Jim told you that quickies were the only solution to his time problem) that would not be a happy marriage, but a mere partnership, where coercion and lying are acceptable, as long as the partner doesn't realize it.
I suggest you sit down and talk to Jim. This conversation should include quickies, but not be limited to it. After all, his insistence on, and your reaction to, only quickies allowed in your sexual encounters are merely symptoms of what is really going on in your marriage.
My feeling is that Jim's insistence on quickies could be due to several reasons: a way to manipulate you sexually, his not knowing too much about sex, his feeling that he need not explain himself fully to you (or perhaps any woman) etc. Whatever the reason (and it could well be benign, though I must admit that, right now, I cannot think of any reason it could be) you need to clarify how you both feel about things.
Please write to us again if there is anything else we can do for you.
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