[Two Pronged] What sort of man should I look for?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My name is Red and I am 16 years old.  I have no one else to ask except people of my same age and a bit older and they are all gay like me. We usually discuss our sexcapades, and many in the group say they have “made chupa ng daks na notches (sucked a big penis).”

I am jealous of their sexcapades, I have had just one experience.

I feel pressured to share whenever they ask me if I’ve already scored. What should I do or tell my friends? Because I do not have experiences, I do not know what I should look for when I have sexcapades. Is it his size (penis)? Is it his body or his looks? Please help and guide me.

Thank you,

Red

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Dear Red,

Thank you for your email.

As you can tell just from casual observation, there are multiple types of relationships, stretching from one night stands to lifelong marriages and every variation in between. It really is a question of different strokes for different folks and one of the early joys in life is the journey to discover what particular stroke(s) is/are the one(s) you favor.

You have made a start by identifying as gay and having had one sexual experience already. But why limit your horizons at this early stage of your life trying to pinpoint in advance the characteristics of your ideal partner? Firstly because your partner for a one night stand may have completely different qualities from your partner for a longer relationship. Secondly because your tastes may change as you get older. Thirdly because there is so much fun to be had discovering what the world has to offer.

As for the pressure from your peers to share, you can certainly tell them about your one true experience, leaving out the identity of your partner, and if you feel the need to share more, use your imagination. It’s more than likely that they are embroidering the truth themselves.

Two final points. You have your whole life ahead of you and so you don’t need to rush things; look on your journey as less of a 100 meter race and more of a marathon. And do remember to take precautions.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Red, 

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer has answered most of your concerns – though I admit I never considered his advice that, “if you feel the need to share more, use your imagination. It’s more than likely that they are embroidering the truth themselves,” as a likely solution to your problem. While I personally and professionally would never ever suggest lying as a way out of a predicament, pragmatically it is a viable solution.  

In my over 20 years of doing therapy, I have analyzed the past of many clients, to help determine whether anything then has led to negative consequences now, and lying about one’s sexual conquests – where no particular person has been identified thus no sullying of anyone’s reputation has occurred – in my clinical experience, has not led to any detriment.

In any sexual relationship, please make sure you always take precaution when you do not know if the person can give you an STD or not, even if the man reassures you that he is safe.  

If he gets angry when you balk at his using a condom, then do not do anything with him. If he insists he take you to a place so private you have no means to get away from him, do not agree. Finally, it is best if at least one friend meets him before you have any encounter with him.

Mr Baer hit the nail on the head when he, in effect, said that what you look for in a one-night stand is different from what you look for in a relationship.

Let me focus on one night (or one week, one month) stands, since these seem to be your main goal: slaking one’s lust and/or being able to brag about your exploits, it is probably okay to look for someone who has the physical and thus superficial attributes you and your mates value. However, even under these circumstances, I hope you quickly discover that a creative imagination and, more importantly, a kind and giving man is just as worthy to brag about and have a sexual experience with.  

After all, isn’t the fact that a man cared about you enough to give you an unforgettable orgasm more brag-able than someone selfish who used your mouth as a mere orifice to give himself an orgasm, with nary a thought about your enjoyment?

Should you want guidance on what to look for because you are ready to want a long-term relationship feel free to write us again.

All the best and enjoy!

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.