[Two Pronged] I’m gay, epileptic and romantic

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

Hi Two Pronged Duo,

I am 22 years old, 100% Filipino despite having Hispanic traces and my features are sharp and foreign. Up until a year after I started working I was just an average looking boy in a super-plus-size body and suffering (FROM) epilepsy.

These circumstances prevented me being with my peers since my mother worried about my condition. I grew up with women around, my mother and my sister are my great buddies and support group; so despite being bullied and a loner I still enjoyed amazing tender days with them. My parents provided for me. I consoled myself that in return I would finish college and obey their school-home rule, but soon after graduation I wanted to live a more sociable life and somehow break free.

My first job was in Makati and the travelling to and from northern Manila where I live meant I lost a lot of weight. For the first time in my life, I felt I fit in. I could find clothes that fit my size now and could wear, and popular styles looked good on me and helped define my sharp manly features. I experienced people (mostly men) staring at me in the street. Some of them confidently approach me. I accommodate those conversations which I never thought I could since I grew up very suplado (snob).

Some conversations even led to one-night stands. For 3 years, I partially broke free from my mother’s authority and after those one-night stands, I started to feel alone.

Even if the day is sunny I felt gloomy. I started chatting online and I was able to meet some and made a good conversation. One of them even told me it is already something special for him since he enjoyed the conversation we had day and night. He just asked me not to tell anyone yet. I’m not really the kiss-and-tell type of person but I felt the need to tell somebody since this is new to me, so I told my few friends about our situation.

By coincidence one of my friends was able to chat him long before, and later that night my friend chatted him and told him we are friends. He became cold after that. I asked him why, and yun na nga, he learned I told other people about this.

We parted amicably that day. Little by little I start messaging him again, and he responded but it was not the same amount of conversation we had before.

While we were apart I was able to meet another person and we made good conversation. I did not ask where we stood although some messages were sweet and caring. I haven’t come out yet to my family though it’s not an issue that bothers me and I believe they already got the hint since I am more vain than them (the ladies of my life).

I wish to go on a trip alone or with someone special or enjoy my vanity. However, I’m still under some parental control and as much as my heart seeks this kind of happiness I cannot afford to totally break free from them. I am striving to live a normal life, given my condition.

For my entire life I’ve always needed to prove that I am someone who can do what any normal and average person can do, and right now I am starting to get tired of it. I do not need to prove myself and please others, but given my sickness, I feel the need to overcome the stigma. Others see me laugh and smile, but deep inside I am gloomy and terribly sad.

I know my family will always be there, but I also need to meet somebody new. I hope you can read my story and give me advice that can help me give a new spark that can defeat the sadness that is eating me inside.

Ron

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Dear Ron,

Thank you for your letter.

Your account of your life to date is understandably heavily weighted towards your problems (why else would you write to us?) but I wonder if perhaps you could consider looking at things from a different perspective.

You are now 22, have finished college and have a job. You have epilepsy but it is under control. Your childhood weight problems have been resolved. You have good relations with your family and in your own words “you are striving to live a normal life.” All these are considerable achievements and you should recognize them as such.

However, like most people, whatever their orientation, you want to have a significant relationship and the absence of such a person in your life contributes to the sadness you feel. The bad news is that there is no guarantee that you will meet the man of your dreams in the near future, or indeed ever. This is true for a large percentage of the population, straight or gay, and is the reason why when love (or the possibility of love) knocks on the door we should not take it for granted.

However, the good news is that it can be a lot of fun searching for him in the meantime. It is not without good reason, after all, that the Latin phrase carpe diem has withstood the test of time.

Another aspect of your story merits further attention: your sadness which may mean clinical depression. I leave it to Dra Holmes to address this issue. 

All the best. – Jeremy

Dear Ron:

Thank you very much for your letter. While your letter hints that you may be depressed, there really isn’t enough to conclude that you are. The most I can say is that your present sadness is palpable and, ironically enough, could’ve been triggered by the exciting things happening to you right now.

Let me explain:

Your job changed you not only physically, but emotionally as well. For the first time in your life, you feel attractive, not just physically, light years away from the overweight, epileptic guy who his mother had to protect. 

You also grew up emotionally in ways you didn’t think possible. Men responded to you and oftentimes made the first move. You responded and sometimes initiated, and best of all, you did this all without your mother hovering in the background to protect you. 

But as is true with all things in life, not everything turned out perfectly. You had a promising relationship which now seems over before it really started. Quite possibly, you blame yourself for this, and you would have good reason for doing so.

Please remember that, while the door to his heart may still be shut, it doesn’t mean it will be permanently locked. That you are chatting again is proof of that.

While your new found freedom and power can be exhilarating, it can also be scary. Life was far easier when your parents told you who to avoid and who it was ok to be close to. There was no need to think for yourself, and thus no worries about making mistakes. But that also meant no soaring moments of great joy and accomplishment either.

Part of freedom’s challenge is to choose how much of your new life you want to share with others. Ideally, you would share everything with your loved ones. But part of you knows they may not be ready to accept that you’re gay and/or ready to support your desire for more freedom.

Part of the sadness comes from realizing that things cannot remain as is. Having come out online and with some friends makes it even sadder NOT to come out to the people you feel closest to – your family.

Your sadness is probably exacerbated by knowing your family will not feel the same way you do about all the changes you’ve experienced. It is always painful to say good-bye to a life that you all agreed to and embark on one on which you may have differing opinions. And sometimes strong opinions at that. 

But that is the challenge of growing up, Ron…accepting that you’ve changed and yet finding ways to incorporate your new life within the old. I hope you find ways to share as much of your new self as you can with your family. Being open with them will heal the divide between you, a divide that occurs whenever secrets exist. Stay safe, Ron, and good luck. Please write if there is anything more you wish to share with us. – Margie

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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