[Two Pronged] Relationship gone cold

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer: 

My girlfriend and i were together for two years and one month until she left me. She went home to Occidental Mindoro because her parents wanted her to. She didn’t continue her studies because of lack of financial support, and that’s why she went back home. We continued our relationship because she promised that she will return to me. We were even sexually active before she left. We even had a plan to get married in the future.

But things changed when we had our 30th monthsary last March 8.

After that, our relationship went cold. She seldom replied to my texts, didn’t answer my calls as often, and she told me to stop giving her load. I asked her what the problem was and she never answered me.

She told me once that her love is gone, that she doesn’t miss me anymore, that she’s given up on me. She texted me that she has a new love, that she wants to break up with me, she wants me to set her free.

I told her that I wouldnt give up on our relationship and reminded her about our promises together. She told me she’s forgotten them already. I’ve been trying to reach her with calls but she never answers now.

I cried for about two weeks.

I don’t know what is the truth about why she’s breaking up with me, if she really has a new love, and why so quickly? Did she really love another guy, or was it just for affection or comfort because we had a long distance relationship?

I gave her all the love, the things that she wanted, and how could she leave me so easily? Is the age a factor? She’s 20 years old and I’m 24. Is she being childish?

I wanted to seek your help, if I still need to hang on to our relationship or let go and move on. I’m so confused. In case of me holding on to our relationship, what do I need to do to rekindle the romance we once had before?

Thank you in advance and more power to both of you, 

Left Lover

————– 

Dear Left Lover,

Thank you for your message.

I must say I have difficulty understanding precisely the nature of your confusion as the facts speak most eloquently for themselves.

Your relationship died. First she seldom texted, didn’t answer calls, told you her love was gone, that she didn’t miss you anymore. Then she texted she had a new love, that she wanted to break up, she wanted you to set her free and told you that she had forgotten your promises together already. I am not sure how much clearer she could have been in saying that it’s over.

Perhaps your confusion lies closer to home, namely in your unwillingness to accept that the person with whom you shared dreams of spending the rest of your life with has changed her mind and left you alone with those dreams. You seem to want to cling on to them despite what has happened. 

In this context let’s consider your questions:

• I don’t know what is the truth about why she’s breaking up with me, if she really has a new love and why so quickly?
• Did she really love another guy, or was it just for affection or comfort because we had a long distance relationship?
• Why did she leave me so easily?
• Is age a factor?
• Is she being childish?

In reality all these actually seek reassurance that on the one hand she was responsible for the breakup, and that on the other it was not a character fault of yours that caused it.

It’s time to put this relationship behind you. Some people are lucky enough to meet their life partner early on, others have to go through a number of relationships before they find the right person. You have to move on and be grateful that you may have learned something from this relationship that will make your next one better.

Best wishes,

Jeremy

Dear LL (Left Lover):

Thank you very much for your letter. I have a hypothesis I want to share with you, but first, let me answer your last two questions at the end of your letter:

Questions:     

1. “(Do)  I still need to hang on to our relationship or let go and move on?”

2. “In case of me holding on to our relationship, what do I need to do to rekindle the romance we once had before?”

Answers:

1. Let go and move on.
2. Since moving on is the better option, then it’s best not to do anything to rekindle your lost romance. 

As Jeremy said in his answer above, “You have to move on and be grateful that you may have learned something from this relationship that will make your next one better.”

Despite the fact that the questions you want answered seem just another way of holding on, I can understand your need to analyze what happened. For one thing, it staunches the pain. You can concentrate on getting your questions answered instead of avoiding the reality that you girlfriend no longer loves you as she once did.

We are really not in a position to answer any of your questions about her, since we haven’t met her.  Besides, even if we could, I doubt we would, since that would not be therapeutic for you, LL.

What we can help you with, however, when you are ready to truly move on, is providing answers that will be more helpful to you in the long run, questions that focus on yourself, rather than on your former girlfriend. Questions like:

• I don’t know what is the truth about why she’s breaking up with me, could it be something I might have said or done?
• How can a man like me learn to respond to my girlfriend’s needs so that, hopefully, she will not leave me so easily?
• Is age a factor? The fact that we were in a long distance relationship?  If rejection is so hard for me to deal with, what can I do to be stronger in case (though I hope not) it ever happens again?
• Am I being childish?

When you are ready to grapple with questions that have more to do with you than with anybody else, please write to us again.   We are certain we can help you more then.

All the best,

MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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