[Two Pronged] Does size matter?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

You have probably been asked many times if “size matters” in the context of sexual situations, and I can’t help but feel inclined to ask something along that line, but without any of the sex.

You see, I’m a not-physically-attractive 21-year-old with a size that’s, well, not as adequate as one would hope for and despite not having any sexual relations other than the one I have with my hands and pillows, I feel that my performance in bed (if it ever happens) will be less than stellar.

Given that a majority of relationships theses days end up in bed sooner than a proposal, it really bites into my self-esteem. Sometimes I even feel as if other men in the same line of work as me are often much more capable than me, on the single basis that I feel that I have a dagger instead of a sword.

I am also beginning to feel somewhat being attracted to the same gender. Not only does my inadequacy make me feel less masculine, I feel like it also makes me more inclined towards other men. I read somewhere that sexuality is preference, and I’m pretty sure I’m mostly straight because, though I am attracted to men, I greatly prefer women (as my level of arousal is also more responsive towards heterosexual contact, but also stimulated by homosexual images). It’s more like I’m subconsciously being the “bottom” without meaning to (but I’m probably overanalyzing). I mean no offense to gay men, but I feel less like me the more I think that way.

Does inadequate size normally affect self-esteem, and sexual orientation? Can you suggest ways how I can overcome my self esteem issues due to my size? Can I truly say that my size is making me prefer the same sex or is it all part of the issues I face?

I really thank you for your time. I wish you all the best, and hope for a reply soonest.

Yours,
Small Guy

————–

Dear Small Guy,

Thank you for your letter. It will clearly not surprise you to know that you are not the first, and will not be the last, to ask this question.

First, the physiological aspects. It seems that even less than 3 inches are sufficient for the penis to be fully functional i.e. Its owner can have sex, father children and satisfy his partner. I do not believe there are any formal studies to support this though Dr June Reinisch, former director of the Kinsey Institute, has been cited as saying 2 inches is sufficient.

Secondly, just as men have different sized penises, women have different sized vaginas. It’s what I call the envelope theory: A4 paper fits perfectly into A4 envelopes, but not into A3 or A5. Thirdly, there is an awful lot more to sexual pleasure than just penetration and it is worth remembering that not all women consider vaginal orgasms to be their goal. Many are more than happy, for example, with clitoral orgasms.

From penis size, let’s now go to intercourse and some of its psychological aspects. Not matter what you read or are told, sex is not that different from anything else that is new and untried. Until you have done it, your success or failure is always going to be uncertain.

Now you, SG, have a long-term advantage that more than compensates for your short term (perhaps merely imagined) disadvantage. Many men are not as sensitive to their partners’ needs as you. They either don’t care or are convinced that they are ideal lovers however they perform. You, however are not like that, which is why you are concerned at present. However, in the long run, this concern can only benefit your partners as you will have their pleasure in mind.

As for your orientation issue, I feel that once you gain confidence with women, this may well fade away but I leave it to Dr Holmes to provide a rather more professional opinion.

Finally, I can draw your attention to a more radical solution to the problem of size. It is reported by livescience.com that the Topamina tribe in Brazil encourage poisonous snakes to bite their penises to get a size boost that lasts six months. I do not recommend that you adopt this approach however except under expert medical supervision 🙂

All the best,

Jeremy

Dear SG (Small Guy):
Thank you very much for your letter. I will do as Jeremy suggests and focus primarily on the effect of perceived and/or actual penis size on sexual orientation.

I add perceived – as opposed to only one’s actual – penis size since many men seem to miscalculate the size of their own penises. There seems to be no correlation between brains, education, eyesight and misperception of how big (or small) one’s penis is.

I have not come across any research that even remotely suggests that penis size—actual or perceived – affects sexual orientation per se.

My feeling is, as you so astutely said yourself, (it) “is all part of the issue I face.” In my clinical experience one cannot “truly say that (penis) size is making me prefer the same sex.”

Wishful thinking is not sexual orientation. It makes sense how someone with a (perceived and/or actual) small penis might wish he had a small penis because “If I were the bottom, penis size wouldn’t matter, would it?”

Alas, penis size does affect self esteem. I say alas, because, at the risk of sounding merely politically correct, many people, if forced to choose, would prefer a male partner with a broad mind and long perspective to a (merely) broad penis. However, if we are talking “quick roll in the sack” as opposed to a long term relationship, some may prefer (indeed, even insist) their partner’s penis be a certain length and/or girth. Many don’t necessarily prefer longer and fatter either.

It can affect it negatively, as it did you; but it can also affect one “positively” as it does many men who think and/or actually have big penises. The latter are downright nakakainis (objects of irritation) as they strut around thinking everyone they pass should get down on their knees in thanks that such a fine specimen of nature is among them. Blaxploitation movies often included the idea about black men having huge penises too. Finally, a really funny yet clinically sound read (or so we like to think ☺ ) is “On Yellow Filipinas and Black Guys,” found in Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons (Anvil, 2012).

Finally, cognitive behavioral therapy seems one of the best way to overcome your self-esteem issues due to your size. If you write us again with more details regarding the when’s, where’s, with whom’s etc. of your negative self thoughts, we can give it a try in this column. Good luck and all the best—MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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