[Two Pronged] ‘Feeding me arouses him’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’m a plus sized Filipina. I weigh 250lbs and stand 5’0 tall.

Here in the Philippines, I am humiliated constantly because I am so fat.  No one has ever dated me.  I have no self-esteem. 

But when I met this American, I was happy because he accepted me the way I was.  He likes how plump I am. 

It is so difficult for me to lose weight, Doc. I have PCOS (Polycistic Ovary Syndrome). 

But it’s really weird because he wants to feed me more…He wants me to reach 500 lbs.  He likes feeding me and he gets so aroused when he does it.

I don’t like it anymore but even if I don’t, he still wants to feed me. It’s my first time encountering this kind of fetish. I don’t know how should I tell him. I told him it’s bad for my health. I told him that if I grow bigger my feet may not be able to withstand the weight when I walk.

But he says it’s ok with him.  He wants me to get super fat in the sense that I get immobile. I don’t know how to deal with this.  I feel as though I am in a life and death situation. That is really how I feel, Doc.  It seems he is too selfish. I love him but this feeding fetish… it is wrong. How should I deal with this? Thanks doc! Idol ko kayo. (You’re my idol.) 

Wintermelon

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Dear Wintermelon,

Thank you for your letter.

I think you have summarized matters very accurately: you are worried about your health, about being unable to walk and ending up in a life or death situation.

And what does it say about your boyfriend that he is actually encouraging you to put on weight in this dangerous fashion? It seems grossly selfish that he cares not a jot about your well-being, only about indulging his fetish.

It is totally understandable that you are happy to have a boyfriend at last and incontrovertible that this must do wonders for your self-esteem. Before, you had never dated and may have doubted you ever would. Now a whole new world has opened up to you.

However, think twice before sacrificing your health, and possibly even your life, for this man’s fetish. You have proven that there are people out there who will date you. Now it is time to find one who will not also do you grave harm. Dr Holmes’s response will address inter alia the clinical psychology involved here. All the best,

Jeremy

Dear Wintermelon:

Thank you very much for your faith in us, proven by your writing us this letter and also by meeting us shortly after that.  

There are many important ways one can respond to all you shared.  For starters, as an example of the cruelty with which some people with normal-sized bodies though definitely “smaller-sized” minds treat the big and beautiful; as an indictment of the kababawan-ness (superficiality) of many Filipino men who feel anyone bigger than size 2 is fat, etc. 

These would be valid crusades, but alas, not ones clinical psychologists and advice counselors are especially trained to organize.

However, reading your letter, and most definitely meeting you, helped us realize you don’t need anyone to help you see things as they really are. You already know all that. You know because you are bright and resourceful.

For example, you know that men who think only slim women are attractive don’t know what they’re missing; but you also know that if you fell for a guy like that, you wouldn’t have a chance of getting him.   

You know you are bigger than most Filipinas and will often be described as fat by both men and women alike. You know that while this is more an indictment of their mean spiritedness rather than any short coming on your part, still it would be great to be the one rejecting someone as “not good enough,” rather than always being on the receiving end.

Realizing the low probability of finding true love (or even honest lust) in  the Philippines, you took care of you own needs (for friendship, for being known and desired because you are who you are, and for love) by logging on to websites/chatrooms that were clearly for men who liked big women.  

And among all the men who approached you, you chose this American (let’s call him Ted). He’s already visited you once and will do so once more this December.

You told me that the first thing Ted said when he saw you was, “God, you’re beautiful,” and I was as kilig (thrilled) as you. Alas, nothing—including the love of one’s parents, the brains you have, the recognition given you and even your faith in God – quite compares with the excitement of knowing a person you’re horny for is just as horny for you.  

Oftentimes, it is even more exciting than realizing that someone loves you, since love can be decision, a commitment, yadda yadda but unmitigated lust comes without rhyme or reason and as a gift only the gods can bestow.

So I can understand the power Ted has over you. And you do too, as your letter and our face to face (encounter) make clear.  And I am happy that, cognitively, you know the difference between lambing (affection) and pressure as in “I will love you no matter how much chubbier you get” on the one hand and “the chubbier you are, the more I will love you and there’s nothing better than that, is there?”  

I am also happy that you know that should the cost of being with him outweigh the loneliness of being without Ted, cognitively, you will have no problem choosing the latter over the former. 

You have already experienced being pursued and wooed, without fearing competition from regular sized women, which is the most important element.  It would be great if these men were not so far away, but hey! That’s what we have Skype, social media and airplanes for, right? 

So, dearest Wintermelon, while I was worried sick when I first read your letter, meeting you has reassured me that this situation which might have been life or death before you wrote us, somehow seems resolved for now. 

Happily, you promised to see us once we return to the Philippines mid November and if our next meeting is as enjoyable as our first, we can definitely talk about your love life way before Ted comes back to see you this December.  Let’s take it from there, shall we? 

All the very best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

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