[Clinical Notes] More on the ‘Hots for our helper’ dilemma

In this edition of Clinical Notes, clinical psychologist Margarita Holmes delves deeper into the issues raised by a Two-Pronged reader struggling with an attraction to a household helper. Read on to see what she and other readers have to say. 

In my first ever Clinical Notes (CN), I wrote that this new column “…is not as good as, or even a close second to, therapy…But if it helps readers with similar problems to not only hang in there but stay the course, all the time trying out possible solutions until the right one comes along, well it can’t have been all bad, can it?”   

I hope to do that this time, too. This CN focuses on the deeper issues written about in Feb 8’s Two Pronged column entitled “Hots for our helper.”

The factors I write about will definitely not be the only ones that matter but if they help Al and his family understand himself better, (not to mention other Al’s and their families reading this), I shall be pleased as punch. 

It’s humbling how so many of you put your heart and soul into your comments; thank you. All tried to be helpful, all were supportive and only one was judgmental (but that was only against us “so-called doctors” so no big deal). One of the major flashpoints of the comments section was the helper. Should she be fired? Those who believe she should’ve been were not necessarily saying it was her fault, though many wondered if she really didn’t know what was going on.

What I considered particularly astute and right on the ball were the following:

Jose Noel Fabia: Replacing the maid is not really the solution here. He has to resolve the problem first by letting the professionals help him before resolving the problems in the outside environment.   

Divina Divina: I admire his honesty and for me, he’s doing the right thing. For me, running away and replacing the maid won’t really resolve the issue. It’s way beyond that. I believe prayers, positive actions and full support from his family (support from his wife) can do a lot.  

Gab Nelo: If you’re an office employee and your employer fires you because he has desires for you and you really need or love the job, how would you feel? I wonder why it is so different when it comes to housemaids. Don’t they have rights, too?

I also don’t agree with the logic of “running away”from the objects of lust because there will always be objects of lust.   

There were many commenters who also had very strong, rational arguments for helping the maid get another job with another family, but this doesn’t move my thesis forward (smile) so I am not repeating any of them, ok? 

Many people think the gravity of the behavior – in this case, touching the maid – is what determines whether a marriage can move on or not.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Definitely, the sordidness of the behavior matters: making a pass at a stranger is different from a 10-year affair with one’s sister in law, and touching the maid when you think she‘s asleep is different from demanding she massage you when your wife’s away and you’re stark naked. 

But even when the behavior is as bad as the two latter examples above, the act itself – despite its ugliness, malice and kakahiya-ness – is hardly ever the tipping point. It is definitely a contributing factor, but in my clinical experience, what matters most is how willing the aggrieved party (alas, usually but not necessarily always, the wife) wants to get over the behavior and move on from there.

Al’s wife was willing to get over his touching-the-maid incident and my feeling is that her trust (in Al and in her maid) seems well-placed. 

I say this for two reasons, one which we will discuss in this column.

He did not keep this behavior a secret from her. When he realized he could not “fix himself,” he told her what happened immediately. He didn’t have to do so. He could have decided to keep things from her, rationalizing that, as long as the maid was unaware about what happened, what difference would it make?   

It makes perfect sense to keep your cards close to your chest. No one wants to show himself in a bad light. Often, this is a good idea, especially if it makes you more vulnerable to people you distrust or hardly know. 

However to keep a secret from one’s life partner is an entirely different matter.   

First, it keeps you from being truly  intimate with her and, unless you are an emotional dinosaur who still believes only one’s barkada is entitled to know who you truly are, nothing can be lonelier than being unable to reveal who you truly are to the person you sleep next to every night, hopefully for the rest of your life.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” An clear example is Al’s case, especially since the secret behavior he’s hiding is current, could recur, and in all probability, represents merely the tip of the iceberg.  

Secrets can be a dangerous thing between spouses; they encourage not just one (the secrets themselves) but many barriers between them. They lead to lies (if only to maintain the secrets) and lies oftentimes have serious consequences.  

Marion Blackett-Milner (1900-1998) was a British author and psychoanalyst who pioneered introspective journaling (she used the pseudonym Joanna Field outside psychotherapeutic circles). 

“(Believing) In silence,”Joanna Field once wrote, “might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired.” 

She’s right, of course. Because a secret like the one Al would have kept had he not told his wife would have would have negatively affected any sort of intimacy between them. You cannot be your true self if you constantly have to monitor your guilt, your shame, your fantasies and your failings. 

On the plus side, getting this shameful secret out relieves Al of the burden of lying, the possibility of needing to collude with their maid, and makes possible a truly open, free-flowing relationship with his wife.  

It was shocking and painful for his wife at first, but thankfully, she recovered and realized that, having to keep three secrets from everyone – his being an illegitimate child, his being abused by his caretaker, his actually getting to like the sex between them – contributed immensely to his present problems. 

Not yet having a feel for how you readers feel about delving deeper into “Hots for the helper,” I shall refrain from discussing the 2^nd reason I feel Al’s wife’s trust in her husband and her maid was well placed till you let me know you’re interested, ok? – Rappler.com