[Two Pronged] Questions about my sexuality

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Two Pronged,

I’ll be 25 this year. I have questions about my sexuality. I really need help. I’m currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 9 years. He’s working abroad. We haven’t seen each other for 2 years because of the pandemic. We’re doing really well. 

Questions started running in my head when my workmates (all girls) spent the night at a villa. “Violet” and I were mixing drinks. I noticed how beautiful she was and that there was that urge.

But I laughed it off and thought it was the tequila working. Days passed, and I pushed that idea behind me. That’s when I noticed the micro actions that happens when we talk or interact at work. A brush on the leg, taking the back of chair and resting her head on it, my back prickling with her so near me, holding hands. But girls do that to their girl friends every time with no malice right? 

Again, I labelled myself paranoid. But some months after, my workmates decided to spend the night at a beach house. We were all drunk but I could still make out the things going on around me. Violet was drunk, we went to bed with a friend accompanying us. The three of us laid in bed drunk. We talked and laughed. The lights were off. 

I was nervous because Violet was beside me, so close. I blamed the alcohol again. While the three of us were talking, suddenly we held hands. Each finger enclosed on mine. It was so normal but I felt my heart beating faster. As we talked, I felt her grazing my hand and mine on hers. I lifted my foot and grazed her legs. She did the same. 

It was so sensual to me. Our other friend laid beside her, unaware. Nothing sexual happened. The next day, I felt the slightest tension between us. We’ve not mentioned it since. 

What if it wasn’t the alcohol? I feel lost, ashamed. Must I mention this to my boyfriend? But I have something so good with him; I’m afraid to lose it all just because…

Mae

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Dear Mae,

Thank you for your email.

So you have been in a (currently long distance) relationship with your boyfriend for 9 years but have recently been experiencing feelings for a work colleague, Violet, which have left you confused.

Sexual orientation comes in many forms: straight, gay, bisexual, asexual etc. Orientation can, however, be fluid and individuals can change over time. Thus, it is not surprising that identifying and then coming to terms with one’s orientation can be challenging for some people. This is particularly the case where societal pressures can have extreme consequences e.g. in those countries where homosexuality is punishable by death, etc.

You initially attributed your feelings for Violet to the disinhibiting effects of alcohol but you have clearly reconsidered in the cold light of day and decided alcohol cannot bear all the blame. You are now faced with the possibility that a same sex relationship could exist alongside, or even supplant, your longstanding straight relationship.

Since you live in a country which does not grant its citizens the right of divorce, prudence dictates that you investigate your orientation further before committing yourself in any direction.

Options include experimentation (with Violet possibly), therapy, meditation, discussions with a spiritual advisor (though if you are Roman Catholic, this is unlikely to yield much given their fiercely negative attitude to same sex unions).

Please write again if you want to pursue this further. Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Mae,

Thank you for your letter. 

Because Mr Baer has spoken about some of the major considerations regarding exploring your sexual orientation (which I definitely think you should), I shall focus on the necessity for honesty, intimacy, and possibilities for conditions/situations that might affect your relationship with your boyfriend (let’s call him Joseph).

BTW, when I use the word possibilities, I do not mean it to sound pejorative.  One may have the possibility of being defined a genius; whereas another may have the certainty (presumably from IQ test scores) of being a genius.  From a few observations, one may think one’s child may  possibly be hyperactive or inattentive (some “symptoms” of ADHD), but after a battery of tests, a parent may have the certainty the child has ADHD. 

I prefer to use descriptive words like inattentive and/or hyperactive and/or impulsive and not label someone ADHD, since that last D means disorder.   That is not necessarily the case, as several journal articles have shown.

In addition, I do not want to give the impression that having a sexual orientation that is not heteronormative is bad.

Having made so many qualifications (sorry, but I only want to be accused as “not woke” if there is any basis for it), let me go back to my original premise which is I personally think you should tell your boyfriend about your possible attraction to Violet, not because this has to do with sexual orientation per se, but because it has to do with something that may affect your relationship. It’s very possible that telling him will make no difference to him; but not telling will definitely make a difference.

Does that mean you can NOT have a relationship if you don’t tell him? You definitely still can, but imho, it will be a relationship lacking in trust and intimacy. 

In my clinical experience, love without intimacy (a feeling of safety that you can tell your partner anything without being judged, opening up about your greatest fears, strongest dreams, etc, so your partner knows that real you and you are not afraid to be vulnerable to him) is not worth it.  This is where resentment, infidelity, mistrust can fester.

So let him know what you experienced and how you feel (even if haltingly, even if you yourself are not 100% sure of how you feel). If this is a chance for greater intimacy, well and good. If this leads to a break up because he is judgmental and insecure, well then, it sounds like you dodged a bullet there.  

One can hide many things in a long distance relationship, perhaps it’s time to start showing the other side of each other.

All the best,

MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.